So, yeah, this is a blog. I guess I should, you know, like, um… write stuff on here? Well, here it goes;
It’s that Time of year where there never seems to be enough Time. All day every day is filled with Time, but it is never enough. I work quite a bit, but I don’t even pull in 40 hours most weeks. I spend as much Time with my friends as I can, conversing, listing to music, sharing life philosphies. I find Time to make music. I watch movies (but never television), and I read up on all manners of interesting subjects on the interwebs in my free Time. Really, my life is pretty good. But Time is always fleeting.
On the flip side of the coin, I don’t read as much as I like to, because there is never enough Time. In the winter time is sucked up by the cold. I can’t sleep in as long because I have to get up earlier, to warm the car, sometimes to scrape the ice off of it, sometimes just because the roads are so covered in ice it takes more Time to get where you’re going. I sit in traffic and watch Time fly by. It still takes a load of my Time to fall asleep, Time spent trying to calm and sooth my insomnia so that I can wake up refreshed instead of sluggish for work.
Lately, I’ve been pretty nostalgic, but for what or when I am not really sure. I mean, where/when in Time could I be nostalgic for? High school was a haze of horomones and depression, bad grades and cheating girlfriends. After high school was alcohol as the worlds only solution, followed by the ultimate anti-depressant, and experimentation with numerous drugs. Now I’m only 22 years old. I don’t have a ton of awesome memories of being young, and I’m sure I’ll spend the next several years trying to forget high school and my brief tenure in college.
So what is it that I miss?
I don’t know.
I found myself today remebering an ex-girlfriend (no not the cheating one for those of you who know). I walked around Wal-Mart amongst the last minute Christmas shoppers and saw a rubber ducky that was made to look like frosty the snowman. This in turn reminded me of this particular ex, and how much Christmas meant to her, and how nice it was that she was a part of my life at that time. She was one of those relationships that “remindn you how to love again,” because I was definatly, at that time, sure that my heart was nonexistant. If nothing else that relationship showed me that Ii could love again, and that I could be loved. Even if it didn’t last. Even if that was the last relationship I was in. Even if that was 2 years ago. Do you see how the train of thought goes from happy to sad in about 6 seconds?
There is another girl I keep going back to in my mind, one I actually never really dated, though I think there was a time I had a chance. I still talk to her quite a bit, and I’ve watched her go from boyfriend to boyfriend and every time she becomes single again I try and get to a position where we’re better friends again so that I can tell her that I really care about her and I’m sure I could love her more than any of her boyfriends that keep fading in and out of the picture. I’m always to late. I take too much Time. I’m not there enough to even get a chance really. It’s not so much a sad thing really. It makes me happy to see her happy, and out of anyone I have ever been interested in, I mean that the most about her. Her happiness is more important than mine.
But you know, I am still a lonely fellow. I think I may be too complex for most girls. I don’t even really meet new girls at all really. Because of my job I’m always meeting new people, but thats a buisness transaction, not a beginning to a friendship. But really, I’ve got a lot of demons fighting around in my head. I am quite possibley not even stable enough for a relationship, though no one would guess that, only I can admit it. I can’t run away from my scars, I can’t run away from my past, my fuck-ups make me who I am. I’m like a troubled, depressed munk. I know the problems, I can see the root of the problems and I have been learning more about patience and I can stand t o be alone more than ever before in my life…. I keep trying to find the Zen in this depression cycle I keep flowing through. But at the same time, I can’t master it, I can’t perform the surgery on my soul that will make me all better. But who can? Everyone has problems, no exceptions.
Anyway, no matter how much patience I’ve gathered, and how much more I understand the world, I still can’t forget the feel of a razor breaking skin, the adrenalinen rush, dripping blood. It’s like getting high. For a second or two, when your tears and blood drip simultainiously you almost feel better. But depression comes back, it doesn’t bleed out. Suicide is an option, but I decided two or three years ago it wasn’t the answer. Most of you out there already know that it’s not the answer. But I had to learn. Anyway, the only thing that keeps me alive and going is knowing that there are a lot of things that can happen. I’m 22, I’ve got anywhere between 50-80 years of life ahead of me, hopefully, if I don’t fuck it up. That’s a lot more Time than the Time that’s always fleeting from me now. There are a lot of things I could see. But the most important thing is the people. I have met a lot of amaxzing people, and I know I will continue to find them throughout life. And maybe someday I will find love.
Well, I’ve said a lot, but I’ve not made any points. Maybe it’s Winter that brings me down. Maybe it’s the abandonment of a friend as though they were a casualty of war. The War of Growing Up. Maybe it’s because of serotonin levels in my brain. Maybe because of the numerous funerals I’ve been to. Maybe because of the shattering of my heart several times. Maybe because I’ve come full circle back to this town instead of following certain dreams. I loved living in the big city, I loved the idea of becoming a real artist, but I fucked it up, and that big city was twice as lonely, so many hundred miles away from the friends I had known, and the ones I would grow to know since coming back. Maybe I will never be “fixed”. If I have to live every day dealing with the high’s and the low low’s of depression, so be it. I just hope I can find someone who understands me and can handle the inner pains and the bad decisions and the life choices and philosophies that comprise me.
It sucks to be sad even when things are looking up.
< / end rant >
