Kismet

In the day
I dream about sleep
At night
I stay wired
With caffeine
And when I dream
I am somewhere else
Nowhere perfect
No heaven I believe in
But I always wake up
In hell
Oh well
You know what they say
That’s life

Just Thinking

I once heard Time and Space are an illusion
So I close my eyes and concentrate
Real hard
Maybe if I try hard enough
I can Time Travel
But I don’t care about the past
And I can hardly see a future for humanity
We will be our own demise
Because we won’t acknowledge our disguises
But if we open out eyes
ONE
TWO
THREE
We could
Come Together
In peace
But the moment of Zen
Is always fleeting
Just thinking

Shoegazing

Sometimes you just need to gaze at your shoes
Drop those eyes
Slump those shoulders
Ignore the world
Get lost in the subtlety of sound
Stop to stomp on the roses
Revel in their sight
Underfoot they can’t undermine
The disgust you felt inside
Wrap me in a blanket
Pump up the white noise
Drown out the world
Float away
Wait for the drudgery to drown
Lost in sound

or

Women That Have Been Close To Me

Today I decided to go on a drive to think about life, clear my head, and listen to music loud. After a while my head was pretty clear and devoid of interesting thought when I suddenly started checking out a girl walking down the side of the road. She turned out to be an ex-girlfriend.

That got me thinking about other ex-girlfriends, women I have tried to start relationships, and women who I was very close to, best friends even. What do they all have in common?

Fragility.

Now, if you are a woman reader and you feel I am calling all women fragile, please do not take offense. It could very well be that I am only attracted to fragile women, or it could be that everyone, man or woman, is fragile. I really don’t know. I don’t think it’s bad either, because when two people are together and really care about each other, they become less fragile.

I wonder though, am I generally attracted to women with low self-esteem, or are they attracted to me?

Back in 2007 while I was living in Portland, I was contacted by a girl I had dated when I was in 8th grade. Now, I understand that Jr. High relationships aren’t serious, but this was the first girlfriend I had that felt like a girlfriend. We didn’t even breakup on bad terms. It was one of those mutual, ‘I don’t think this is going anywhere, we’re better off as friends’, breakups. Interestingly, she dated a pretty nice guy the following year and then I moved away, High School continued for everyone, et cetera. Apparently while I was away she married said second boyfriend (and I believe he was literally her second boyfriend ever), and she had a baby girl.

Then they divorced.

So back to 2007, she contacted me, came from the coastal region of Oregon that I grew up in, and we spent a day hanging out and visiting and trying to catch up. It was horrible. Not to be overly superficial, but she was not looking very good. We were both 20, but she looked much older, as though life had been rough on her, which understandingly it had been. Beyond that, we had nothing in common anymore, and she seemed to think that there was still some kind of spark between us left over from the 5 years we hadn’t seen or spoken to each other. There wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong, she is still a nice person, but there was literally nothing left in common. Also, she seemed to have quite a mask over her fragile, depressed, lonely inner self. So I felt pretty bad when I made up an excuse about having to take a bus across town to meet up with my friend when she asked to stay the night. It seemed like something was bound to happened, and I hadn’t had any female contact in a long time, and I let it go, without a second thought, because I knew it would lead to a bunch of drama and unneeded grief for both of us.

The next girl that I dated, we’ll call her A, was 2 years older than me and the sister of my then best friends girlfriend. I was a freshman in HS and I thought I was the shit for dating a junior, and I kind of was, I was a lot more popular when I was with her. But that is besides the point and completely unimportant in the long run. I hadn’t even thought of it until I started writing this paragraph.

Anyway, A was clingy. She was adventurous and great to talk to and my first make-out girlfriend, so I was completely cast under her spell. The reason we broke up was because of my family moving away, but we actually tried long distance for a couple months. We talked every day. Way too much emotional bullshit, never do long distance.  Long story short, we got in contact later in life and it seemed like she was trying to get me under her spell, but at this point in time I could see it and let communications die away. She also married the next guy she dated after me, and divorced him. She also looks like the years were rough on her.

My next girlfriend most people who read this will know, so I will call her M to confuse some of you. I don’t really have much to say about her, besides that she was emotionally manipulative, demanding, and more fragile than I think she knew. She is also a strong, independent woman and has many redeeming qualities, though I tend to push those to the back of my mind because she was a cheating whore. She married lives with the guy she last cheated on me with, has a baby, and will be getting married in the near future.

Interestingly, during a breakup period with M, I went on a one-time date with a girl I will call L, who I really liked, and unfortunately because of my own fragility and stupidity I ditched her for M, and blew my chances of becoming more than friends with L. I kept a very healthy friendship with L for many years and was her shoulder to cry on many times,  did everything a boyfriend should do without getting a single perk other than friendship. She is getting married soon. I threw away a very good connection for a whore. It’s starting to look like I am the cause of many of my relational hardships, doesn’t it?

After M, another girl from my past who I was very close to and talked to for hours at a time back when i lived on the coast, found me on myspace and we started talking again. She certainly thought we still had a major spark. Then she came to visit me. After I told her not to. She drove through the middle of the night. With her retarded 38 year old brother. Not cool! Ladies, you don’t want to be stalked down by a creepy old friend do you? We don’t want that either. Seriously.

There is another girl I was very close to for a long time throughout HS, we’ll call her D. She even had a crush on me I found out later in life. While I had been with M. She always dated the wrong guys. She always knew she was with a scumbag but she couldn’t help herself. We were very close and talked about absolutely everything. I wanted to be her knight in shining armor, but I never told her. I just tried to be there and hope she figured it out, but she never did. Every once in awhile I will here from her and she says she misses me. Then we talk. Then she has a new boyfriend. Then she drifts farther. I never see her anymore and we have drifted so far apart that its depressing. Life has been rough on both of us and pushed us in different ways. I’m sad that we’ll never know what could have been.

I tried to date a coworker. Don’t do that.

I tried dating a girl I met on craigslist. I don’t really know what went wrong there, she just stopped talking to me one day. She seemed to have huge commitment issues, trust issues, the whole nine yards. But we seemed like a really good fit, and things seemed to be working happily for both of us until the last time I remember seeing her as her boyfriend, she seemed distant. Then she was gone. Overall I am glad she is gone, but I want to know why communication just stopped.

I have always been a very sympathetic, caring, and kind to all of the girls mentioned above as well as many more who I never dated.  I am sure this article sounds a bit harsh and crude in some respects, but I think it is because all these women have made me cynical. I have bent and contorted my self and my personality to be what I felt they wanted me to be while also trying to be myself at the same time, which I felt was quite possible with all of them. There was always good communication.

So now I have a hardened heart and I rarely put myself out there because, honestly I have been drug through a lot of shit. I don’t want to find another whore, or another girl who will run away because she is afraid she can’t commit, or another obsessive clingy I’d-rather-be-dead-then-live-without-you stalker. Don’t get me wrong, I love all sorts of women and my heart will probably go out to many more women like these because I can’t help who pulls my heart strings. I’ll always love the women who don’t love themselves. I’ll always be a shoulder for them to cry on. I’ll always give my best advice and try to fix them. I’ll always let them take me for a ride. Until they through me on the curb. Then I will dust myself off and try again until I find The One. If there is such a thing.

In conclusion, I think that everyone has issues, everyone is fragile, and everyone wears a mask. It’s not until people see each other without masks and let insecurities go that these kinds of cycles will end. Either I am to smart for my own good, to cynical for my own good, or unlucky. Fuck it, being single isn’t bad, I can wait for someone who isn’t afraid to get close and stay.

So I will post something I have been meaning to post for a while now, A Chronological Account of My Record Collection…

I awoke from a dream
Sad and remorseful
Just a tad bit regretful
Stopped by her house
Maybe to let off steam
Maybe because I just needed to see her again
We talked and she smiled and we laughed
We caught up on memories from the gap
The time between our first meeting
And the time of silence when I questioned
How my heart could keep beating
And she told me that she missed me
I wasn’t prepared for this
And some tears escape my eyes
She swoops in for an embrace
Holding my breath trying not to hyperventilate
And before I knew it or could care about saving face
We’re kissing with eyes closed
Falling back onto her bed
Making visual prose
When someone comes home and I try to hide myself
We get caught and it seems time to go
But she asks for my return
This cold war is over
Outside I’m a sunburnt shell
Inside my heart thick with ice
It finally starts to melt
And I go to my car
My friends wonder what took me so long
I got caught up in the moment
Forgot why I came here
And how long I’d been gone
Exasperation so I just give them the keys
Walk back up the street
Said this is more important to me
Now the house is full of her friends
I get in a fight with one of her ex-boyfriends
He tell’s me I’m not worthy
I’m just a piece of shit
He throws a couple of punches
I block and barely shove the kid
And you can tell he’s drunk
Because he starts crying
She tells him to leave
When the room empties she is looking at me
She is smiling
She asks me to get for her my special mix CD
One I had made right before she left me
I go running around the parking lot
Up and down the street
Looking for my car
Wondering if my friends are going crazy
Take good care of my baby
As tires squeek I bite my tongue not to speak
When the party moves outside and she come sup from behind
To give me a hug to give me some love
I forget about my mission
My friends hang for a little bit
But she is all I am focused in on
And we head back inside
Our future begins to flash before my eyes
I feel warm and happy and good inside
That’s when these stale tired eyes
Open up
And I’m awake
Another day
Months away from her face
Take a deep breath
Light a cigarette
Disappointment on my morning face

Death is waiting
On this coastline
Dock into port
Cannot lose your sea legs
For the sea is life
And you’re afraid to let it go
All the danger
The storms
Giant waves
Sea monsters
All out to get you
Theres a safety on the land
But the captain must go down with the ship
His son doesn’t understand
Dreaming of a future
With skyscrapers and zoo’s
Libraries and motion pictures
One day he will be a pilot
Flying high
Because the sky is made of dreams
And space is the final frontier
Something he heard on television
At port somepoint somewhere
An earthquake brings changes
Devistation to sea, land and port
The only place that is safe is the sky
Now the father no longer wonders why

[written on my vacation]

I am in Hawaii
On vacation
With family
Spending their money
And it’s one thirty in the morning
Thats four thirty back home
I am in Hawaii
Beautiful women are everywhere
And the men surf
And they drink beers
They walk streets
And inside they laugh at tourists like me
I am in Hawaii
Laying in bed at night
Unable to sleep
Reading Bukowski
The only book I brought
I have been in Hawaii
Less than too days
Six days until I return home
That is if I can bear to leave
I am in Hawaii
And all I can think about
When I am alone
Is this girl I used to see
You see
A couple of months ago
She awoke
Renewed
A passion in me
One day she just stopped answering
I am in Hawaii
And I wonder why
She gave up on me

Coasting/Costs (Part 1)

[written last night]

Love is the coast
Life is the sea
You are the ship
Docking from port to port
Staying long enough to leave
Death is the land
You can’t have it all
Like a cold child
Lonely
Wrapped in blankets
Tired eyes blinking
Dreaming of spaceships
Even though they weren’t part of the equation