Sunburnt Dreams

I awoke from a dream
Sad and remorseful
Just a tad bit regretful
Stopped by her house
Maybe to let off steam
Maybe because I just needed to see her again
We talked and she smiled and we laughed
We caught up on memories from the gap
The time between our first meeting
And the time of silence when I questioned
How my heart could keep beating
And she told me that she missed me
I wasn’t prepared for this
And some tears escape my eyes
She swoops in for an embrace
Holding my breath trying not to hyperventilate
And before I knew it or could care about saving face
We’re kissing with eyes closed
Falling back onto her bed
Making visual prose
When someone comes home and I try to hide myself
We get caught and it seems time to go
But she asks for my return
This cold war is over
Outside I’m a sunburnt shell
Inside my heart thick with ice
It finally starts to melt
And I go to my car
My friends wonder what took me so long
I got caught up in the moment
Forgot why I came here
And how long I’d been gone
Exasperation so I just give them the keys
Walk back up the street
Said this is more important to me
Now the house is full of her friends
I get in a fight with one of her ex-boyfriends
He tell’s me I’m not worthy
I’m just a piece of shit
He throws a couple of punches
I block and barely shove the kid
And you can tell he’s drunk
Because he starts crying
She tells him to leave
When the room empties she is looking at me
She is smiling
She asks me to get for her my special mix CD
One I had made right before she left me
I go running around the parking lot
Up and down the street
Looking for my car
Wondering if my friends are going crazy
Take good care of my baby
As tires squeek I bite my tongue not to speak
When the party moves outside and she come sup from behind
To give me a hug to give me some love
I forget about my mission
My friends hang for a little bit
But she is all I am focused in on
And we head back inside
Our future begins to flash before my eyes
I feel warm and happy and good inside
That’s when these stale tired eyes
Open up
And I’m awake
Another day
Months away from her face
Take a deep breath
Light a cigarette
Disappointment on my morning face

I thought I saw her car
It wasn’t her
It wasn’t her
Does she think about me
I shouldn’t care
I do not care
(but it would be nice
to be thought of
missed)
I thought I saw her looking at me
It wasn’t her
It wasn’t her
I thought I had it right
It was time to get hurt
It doesn’t matter
It wasn’t her
It wasn’t her
It wasn’t her
Tired of these games
Stopped thinking about her
Stopped missing her
It’s just sometimes I wonder
What could have been
What I would have been
I’m probably better off
But every now and then
I wonder if it’s her
It coulda been her
It probably wasn’t her
I don’t care

Coasting/Cost (part 2)

Death is waiting
On this coastline
Dock into port
Cannot lose your sea legs
For the sea is life
And you’re afraid to let it go
All the danger
The storms
Giant waves
Sea monsters
All out to get you
Theres a safety on the land
But the captain must go down with the ship
His son doesn’t understand
Dreaming of a future
With skyscrapers and zoo’s
Libraries and motion pictures
One day he will be a pilot
Flying high
Because the sky is made of dreams
And space is the final frontier
Something he heard on television
At port somepoint somewhere
An earthquake brings changes
Devistation to sea, land and port
The only place that is safe is the sky
Now the father no longer wonders why

In Hawai’i

[written on my vacation]

I am in Hawaii
On vacation
With family
Spending their money
And it’s one thirty in the morning
Thats four thirty back home
I am in Hawaii
Beautiful women are everywhere
And the men surf
And they drink beers
They walk streets
And inside they laugh at tourists like me
I am in Hawaii
Laying in bed at night
Unable to sleep
Reading Bukowski
The only book I brought
I have been in Hawaii
Less than too days
Six days until I return home
That is if I can bear to leave
I am in Hawaii
And all I can think about
When I am alone
Is this girl I used to see
You see
A couple of months ago
She awoke
Renewed
A passion in me
One day she just stopped answering
I am in Hawaii
And I wonder why
She gave up on me

Coasting/Costs (Part 1)

[written last night]

Love is the coast
Life is the sea
You are the ship
Docking from port to port
Staying long enough to leave
Death is the land
You can’t have it all
Like a cold child
Lonely
Wrapped in blankets
Tired eyes blinking
Dreaming of spaceships
Even though they weren’t part of the equation

10 Things I Hate About Me

I hate the way that I can’t sleep at night
It’s been many hundred sleepless fights with myself
A hundred more can’t really hurt if I am doing alright
I hate the way I always fall
I break bones like trends breaking out of malls
I climb too high and forget that I’m afraid of heights
I always set myself up to fall
And thats because I hate the way almost every day is like a battle
My mood changes the more my brain gets frayed aroundn the edges
The lack of sleep and the increasing anxiety of growing older
Makes life like a war my brain is the headquarters
And it’s being bombed but the damages aren’t so bad except my head aches and rattles
I hate the way that I’ve developed into a sad person
Spent so much time soaking in from family and best friends
A suicidal friend she was like a big sister
The death of a hometown hero eighteen years young
The slow degradation of our world and society
Trying to hold up these for walls is killing me
And maybe that’s what it means to gain immortality
To escape the pressure and anxiety of being human
We only die because we are killing ourselves
And I hate the way I over think everything
My mind is like a freeway with no top speed
No radar traps no tow trucks no triple a
And I hate how I’m afraid of everything I don’t understand
I try to keep an open mind all of the time
I believe in try anything once to some extent
But the future, the present, the inexplicable
Makes me feel so small and insignificant
Which brings me to how much I hate being alone
I can hardly stop myself from crying when life gets overwhelming
I cannot sleep and I think about how I am smaller than a grain of sand in god’s eye
I wish I had someone to hold and remind me that life is here and now
And the sadness spirals a cocktail of the things I hate about me
And I hate how it dictates the way I live my life
So shy and reserved, so bitter and scared, wanting to be pure, to be heard
But I am a bit of a mess like a manic depression but I know I am fine
I hate that I am not self assertive enough I never had a plan
I floated along holding on to only what interests me and now I am working for the man
But I’ve learned a lot through all my mistakes
I’ve figured out some things about life between laziness and haziness
I am pretty sure I am doing fine and everything will be ok
But the last thing I hate about me right now
Is how I can’t keep my head straight
I can hardly blink or breathe
Because of all of the things I hate about me
All my complications and all my regrets
Everything is eating up the inside of me
It’s hard to hold up these four walls
When I think I’ve found someone
And I have no idea whats going on
I hardly even know whats going on with myself
I hate that I can’t control myself
Staying up late at night wondering
Wishing you were here in my arms
It could happen someday
But I beat my brain up and lay awake
Unable to slow my mind down
Unable to stop wondering if you’re the one
Telling myself I shouldn’t tell you thoughts like this
Afraid I will scare you away but still hoping for more of your sweet kiss

A Quasi-Zen Approach At Life

Sometimes you just have to remember
That it should be enough to be content with life
There is always a constant search
But you can stop and smell the roses
Take some time to sketch the hedges
Take a nap and dream of other planets
Keep your feet on the ground and build a life
You don’t always have to be moving around
Move forward in career and keep growing up
Notice the things in life that make you feel old
New buildings new street lights new roads
The city glow is beautiful reflecting off clouds
Reach out even if I don’t know you
Give a hand and a smile and a have a nice day
Look into your eyes and smile
You pull me in and distract me
Forget about the stress and anxiety
I’ve spent enough of my life in wonder
Now I am learning to fly this
Somebody shot the pilot
And I’m not afraid
Because I’ve only got one chance
And I am what I make myself be
I’ve moved across this land
Trying to lay roots
When I should be planting seeds
Grow my own happieness
Wait for the right time
To give a smile and a kiss
Tell you I love you and this is bliss

How Much Time Wasted Spent Dreaming Awake (Or Is It A Waste?)

My lungs are beating me up
Saying, too many cigarettes
We love you to death, son
Caugh up pieces of me
Scrape up the lung chunks
My head is beating me up
Saying, you’ve givin me too much
Too much to contemplate about
Too many drugs to slow me down
You wouldn’t even know how
To love to death, son
If it weren’t for the circuitry
That you’re fucking with constantly
So I use my aches and pains
As an excise to smoke too many cigarettes
Take some of this and that
To try to stop all the feelings
The feelings that say to me
Hey son, we’re tired
We’re worn out and strung out
We are ringing in your ears
Trying to keep you awake
Trying to fill you with uneeded fears
And I fight back a caugh
And I choke back tears
And I tell my head to shut up
I’m sick of it’s aches
Over working just to get paid
Working harder cause it’s not for a grade
Because this is real life
You know what they say
If you’re trying to be good
Then your life should be ok
So my hands clench tight
Between shaking from time to time
They’re saying hold on, son
Hold on to what makes you move
And my feet they always get up
And they always say to me
Come on we’ve got to get going
It’s a brand new day
The sun is up and the people are bumping
There is a lot to do with our time
It’s time to jump up and enjoy life
My eyes blink and wonder
Try not to think, son
Keep your head afloat
Waiting for the occasional rescue boat
Or try to build one yourself
Afloat in an ocean of knowledge as wealth
And my heart sits quietly
Waiting patiently for everything it deserves
Not wanting or asking
Not reaching out and taking or grabing
It waits for me to pay it attention
With the way it’s been treated in the past
It’s a miracle it hasn’t had an attack
But I swear I heard it talking to me
Whispering quietly to me
Hold on this time boy
I can’t hold together forever
But you can heal me if you really try
Hold on, son, don’t let go of
What makes you move
And what drives your soul

Where We’ll Be Dreaming, We Won’t Need Roads

Messy hair
Bad breath
Yellow teeth
Lazy eye
Bad knee
Sleeping bag
Back of the car
Messenger bag
Magazines
Get lost
Somewhere on the backstreets
I just want to run away
Sleep in my car
Find some vegetables to eat
Keep driving
Further and further away
Wake up
Another dream
Another day
Happy in my dreams
Happy part of the day
Breath
Drink smoke
Exhale alcohol
Bad breath
Lazy eye
I slipped and fell
On my bad knee
That’s great
That’s me
Load it up
Quilt and pillow
Pillow case
Hide my cigarettes
So no one’s tempted to still them
I’m well on my way
To another dream
Another day
Chapped lips
Stinky teeth
Unkempt hair
Slinky eyes
Sleeping bag
Messenger bag
Full of notebooks
My favorite novels
Listen to a good song
Maybe it will help me figure out
I’m already gone
Wake up
It’s another day
I’m in the same bed
Where would I be running from
I like it this way
Freedom isn’t free
If I ran I wouldn’t be happy
I need the money
I got to work
To keep the life
Try to hard
And sleep it off another night

(Where I Want To Be) [Right Now]

Blazing in the sun
On a blanket with a book
Wind in my hair
Smile on my face
You are next to me
Looking through a magazine
You are happy
Because you are with me
And then I wake up

Alarm clock
Snow on the ground
Sun in the sky
Nothing but another good day to die
But it’s alright
I’ll wait out the insomnia
Until I can sleep
Dream that I am not alone
Hope to wake up in your home
But I don’t know who you are

Wake up

Text message
Time to breath in smoke
Let the day begin

Wake up

Life is too busy
I try to keep my mind working
Because all I want to do is dream
Life is too busy
To get everything done
Want to fall asleep in the sun
Wake up smiling at you
And think about all the crazy adventures we could be having
Because I know it’s too good to be true
And I can never get a clear glimpse of your face
And right baout the time I am wondering my fate

I wake up

To find out I am too busy dreaming when I am dreaming
And I am too busy dreaming when I am waking
All I can feel is exhaustion
Fell asleep in your arms
Woke up in a cold sweat to realize
It’s only blankets
And I want to hold on to the memory forever
But I can’t even begin to remember
How I got here
Or when this started
I wish it was the end
Or at least the weekend
So I could have enough time to dream again

Wake up

It’s just apathy
I don’t want to do anything but dream
Lie here almost naked
Feel the stiffness and the soreness in my muscles and bones
Hear the ringing and the messages on my phone
Just leave me alone
I need some time to rest my legs
And I need some place to rest my head
Because if I don’t fill up
I’m going to fuck everything up
Just let me dream
It’s just my mind fulfilling my art school dropout needs
I need the vivid colors
The easily manipulated cast
I need the settings and stories and crazy freaked out scenes
I’ll love you all if you just let me sleep
It’s just a little mental masturbation
Just let me sleep
Just let me sleep
Just let me sleep so I can dream
I am dying to dream