Lost Words

Coasting/Cost (part 2)

Death is waiting
On this coastline
Dock into port
Cannot lose your sea legs
For the sea is life
And you’re afraid to let it go
All the danger
The storms
Giant waves
Sea monsters
All out to get you
Theres a safety on the land
But the captain must go down with the ship
His son doesn’t understand
Dreaming of a future
With skyscrapers and zoo’s
Libraries and motion pictures
One day he will be a pilot
Flying high
Because the sky is made of dreams
And space is the final frontier
Something he heard on television
At port somepoint somewhere
An earthquake brings changes
Devistation to sea, land and port
The only place that is safe is the sky
Now the father no longer wonders why

I spent all night reading catcher in the rye, and man, I got to tell ya, it kills me how I’ve forgotten how much it shaped my latter teenage years. It just goddamn kills me, you know? I Spent all night reading, taking smoke breaks, and – oh, get this, it was fucking snowing like a madman, well, maybe not that bad, but quite a lot for mid april. Then I finish the goddamn book, and you know what? I figured out a bunch of things I relate to now with Holden than I did 3-4 years ago. I wonder if I am a goddamned madman. So the sun rises and I decide to have some breakfast; I was pretty hungry after all that reading and smoking cigarettes. So I made a big breakfast, eggs, sausage, toast, coffee. It was great and I felt good, so I thought I’d go have another smoke, and a funny thing happened, I puked. I don’t know why, maybe I drank too much coffee. I decided to head into town and go record hunting at the Good Will. There is this chick there, a real phony if there ever were one, she used to get pretty sexy with a couple of buds of mine all the time, and we almost got a little sexy once, but she didn’t like me, and she never really has. I was fumbling through my pocket looking for my dollar for the records I was buying and I couldn’t find it I kept pulling out this same goddamned receipt over and over, and then she printed out a receipt that had a total of $0.00 and said here and  had a slight smile, not a friendly one, a total phony  of a smile. I thought she must be feeling good and nice today and I tried to give her a dollar in change I had in my other pocket but she didn’t want to take it so I said thank you and left. Then as I was sitting in my car I thought maybe she was being charitable; maybe she was looking down on me condescendingly. Goddamned phony. I fell asleep at three in the afternoon and I had this insane dream involving a girl I used to go with for about a month, and we were madly into each other in the dream. Then I got punched in the face by another girl I riled up a few days back. Now her and her boyfriend won’t talk to me. It’s rude to accuse someone of rudeness on their birthday I guess. Oh well, they’re kind of phonies too, even if they were my friends. I woke up and decided to go to the super market that the girl I used to go with works at hoping to see her there. She wasn’t around. I smoked about 5 cigarettes between going to and leaving there. God, I’m a fiend. I really am. Some more happened, but I’m not really in the mood to talk about it right now. Nothing odd or unexciting, but it just happened, so why recount it right now? It’s depressing when the only excitable thing you have to talk about is something that just happened to you. That makes your life seem dull. Then you start to miss everybody. Don’t get me going.

The rain is coming down
But in town it’s soft and slow
The roads turn to slush from snow
My mind is mush
As we get closer to the morning rush
In darkness and anger
Ran away from nothing
Now the storm is coming
The storm is coming in
But it’s not like we suspected
The police lines were tested
The flight attendant smiled
And said they’d be there in a while
But outside were the clouds
Freezing rain and lightning sound
Like its something unexpected
And the coast line was quiet
The lighthouse was wired
When the rebels attacked it
And they realized it’s not so dark
When you turn off all the lights
And look to the night sky
But you were alone in your tower
And now you are dying
The ship meets the reef
And the men scramble home
But there is a captain still out there
The storm is inside him
The captain is coming
And the storm is coming in
We were landlocked
Now divided
We were gridlocked
And your car slided
Into the ditch
Saftey glass in your face
Broken steering wheel on your plate
Lightning for breakfast
And a tall glass of rain
The captain is not coming home
The captain will haunt this cove
Where the ship meets it’s end
And the plane will come down
From time begining
To life never ending
The storm is coming
And no one is home
No one is welcoming them home
The quiet they are keeping
No one is weeping
All survivors home sleeping
They are lost and forgotten souls

From a block away I saw a girl I knew from my dream school (or is it a school from my dreams…) and as I approached I remembered that earlier that day I had thought of her (and others from the school) and wondered whether or not I would ever see any of them again. And there she was… kind of funny how those things happen (and with my growing belief in collective conscious, I went as far as to wonder if she had the same thought today as well… or at least if I unconsciously chose to walk this way at this time because I knew I would come upon her path…). We bother presented eachother with smiles and asked how eachother where doing… she asked if I was on my way to class, and thus I had to fess up to the fact that I had dropped from school, to which she frowned slightly. I mumbled about many reasons and personal things and moved the subject to the fact that I was “job hunting” and the conversation dissipated from there and we said our goodbyes. As I walked away I wondered if I would see her again, and if I did if I would have anything to say, for she is like many of the people I meet; a world apart. Later as I was leaving Powell’s, I noticed in the corner of my eye that she was sipping coffee at a table facing the window I was passing, in the Green Room. I pretended not to notice. I don’t know why.

At two am on Saturday, Sept 15th, I got in my car with a meager duffel bag of items and headed on “home” to Idaho. When I got there I told everyone I was leaving on the following Friday. Well, a lot can happen in a week, and I changed my mind several times and ended up coming home only yesterday evening. 12 days in Idaho, and I almost stayed longer. But, you know, I had that “over-staying your welcome” feeling so here I am back in Oregon.

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I am driving down The Road. I have retreated to an island in my mind, where accidents happen to them, not me. After all, they deserve this, not I. Walls grow aroumd me Like being inside a lung that is breathing.
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