Lost Words

Sunburnt Dreams

I awoke from a dream
Sad and remorseful
Just a tad bit regretful
Stopped by her house
Maybe to let off steam
Maybe because I just needed to see her again
We talked and she smiled and we laughed
We caught up on memories from the gap
The time between our first meeting
And the time of silence when I questioned
How my heart could keep beating
And she told me that she missed me
I wasn’t prepared for this
And some tears escape my eyes
She swoops in for an embrace
Holding my breath trying not to hyperventilate
And before I knew it or could care about saving face
We’re kissing with eyes closed
Falling back onto her bed
Making visual prose
When someone comes home and I try to hide myself
We get caught and it seems time to go
But she asks for my return
This cold war is over
Outside I’m a sunburnt shell
Inside my heart thick with ice
It finally starts to melt
And I go to my car
My friends wonder what took me so long
I got caught up in the moment
Forgot why I came here
And how long I’d been gone
Exasperation so I just give them the keys
Walk back up the street
Said this is more important to me
Now the house is full of her friends
I get in a fight with one of her ex-boyfriends
He tell’s me I’m not worthy
I’m just a piece of shit
He throws a couple of punches
I block and barely shove the kid
And you can tell he’s drunk
Because he starts crying
She tells him to leave
When the room empties she is looking at me
She is smiling
She asks me to get for her my special mix CD
One I had made right before she left me
I go running around the parking lot
Up and down the street
Looking for my car
Wondering if my friends are going crazy
Take good care of my baby
As tires squeek I bite my tongue not to speak
When the party moves outside and she come sup from behind
To give me a hug to give me some love
I forget about my mission
My friends hang for a little bit
But she is all I am focused in on
And we head back inside
Our future begins to flash before my eyes
I feel warm and happy and good inside
That’s when these stale tired eyes
Open up
And I’m awake
Another day
Months away from her face
Take a deep breath
Light a cigarette
Disappointment on my morning face

(the following is a short story I wrote when I was not sober in the middle of the night, so in retrospect it’s not as good as I thought at the time, so take it lightly.)

Read the rest of this entry »

The Opposite of Someone Great

I find myself walking away
From the spotlight
Wondering what the hell we were thinking
We got lost in a basement
And all my friends are trying college out
It’s like some sort of warning
That I’ve got a problem
I wouldn’t be prepared to wake up
Unless I felt a body breathing
I’d rather be lost inside my head dreaming
And the worst part is my friends they are calling
And I just toss and turn
Tell my phone to shut up
I’ll just tell them I didn’t realize I had a call
And sometime in the late afternoon I wake up
No one is around my home
I almost wish I was still in my bedroom
I stare out across the city
The dog is begging for attention
But I’m not even acknowledging my own desperate cravings for attention
I feel safe for a moment
Eating breakfast at two in the afternoon
Call back my friends and they ask how I am doing
I decide I will lie again just like every time
Because I don’t really think they care
No not as much as they used to
I drifted away and sent goodbye letters
But I’m still in this state
Something great is gone
There was something great between all of us and now it’s gone
So I stagger around the room
Tired and full of desire for the kill
Well no one is around
So I drive without destination
All the same roads
And it’s all instinct now
My mind floods like a loss of self control
And I wonder if I drive of a cliff if it will go well
How long can I go on thinking I am invincible
Before something proves me wrong
And I close my eyes for the last time
Just a body and I’m gone
There used to be a lot to say between us
We used to share new music
And complain about the weather
We should have been better friends back in high school
But time pulls us around
Takes us for a ride
And it’s over before we’re sure that it’s alright
Something great is gone
It used to be in the air of mystery
Every time we went over our fading histories
Some kind of spark that makes two people feel close
Like a best friend until the end
But sometimes the end comes before you know it
You’re stupid, a loser, retarded
You are the opposite of great
Now don’t ever talk to me again
You say to me like it’s so goddamn easy
No I don’t care to go through this again
So I brush it off and it can be added up with the countless scars
From the countless dreams gone awry in this town like a junkyard
I want some attention but not of the negative variety
I will just loath the day as I patiently wait to get away
Walking away from the spotlight
Fade into the background and then the night
Walk away from another stupid fight
Life’s a bitch
It aint alright
Life’s a bitch
It aint always right

Sunshine, Rise… Whatever

Sunshine, sunshine, it’s time to rise
The night is over, a new day
Insomnia, insomnia, a harsh mistress
The wind is blowing, a lit cigarette
Smoke, smoke, breathe smoke
Stare at the twilight, unsettled brain not right
Music, music, you got to turn it up
Soon enough it’s yours, someday all yours
Comfortable bed, corner bed, beckoning
A morning after a long night of nothing
Wish I could say I accomplished something
But no one cares about my rantings
I run circles in my rooms, curses
From under my breath, I roll my eyes
I am starting to buy into my own lies
Ghetto blaster, ghetto blaster
I am a walking dissaster
Sunrise, sunrise, should I pay attention to ya
A sore back and a bag of chips
Morning, mourning, whats the point in wondering
What the hell am I supposed to do now?

Wax Dream God Melting O’er Te Universe

When I was asleep I was a god
Rolling around on my cosmic couch
I created my own language
You could only write it in fire
My disciples holding candles to the sky
They forget they are made of wax
As they melt they become sacrifices
Ashes and smoke, hot wax to burn at vices
Well I wake up and my candles burned all the way down
And the sun is shining cause I have no curtain now
Crawl across the star spattered universe
Fall into blankets black swallowing me whole
Into nothingness broken in a black hole
When I wake up will I be someone again?
Or will I forget I am nothing
Swing in the breeze black and white lobotomy
No numbers rattle my mind
Stuck in a film nostalgic and rare
Dream when I am awake and die in my sleep

You Broke This House, I Am Not Home, I Will Not Move

Darling, won’t you take out the trash
I know broken pieces of my heart
Are strewn throughout the black bags
And when you don’t come back
I know you’ve gone out again
I know you’ll party with the boys
And when you come home
I’m waiting in bed
With those rugburns on your knees
I know where you’ve been
I turn my face away
You smell like alcohol
And when you look at me
I will die just a little more
Until I stand up
I can hardly breathe
And I don’t care to see what’s in front of me
Waste those days and forgot those nights too
Where have you been?
After breakfast I drive you to class in the rain
I don’t know what else to do with my days
And I walk five thousand miles to get away
But you’ve infested my brain
You’re like an alien with malicious intent
A parasite sucking the life out of me
Where have you been?
Oh, god, where have you been?
You’re just a stepping stool
A rag for them to wipe on
You’re just a dirty bitch
You don’t care who’s watching
You left the light on
And I have taken drastic steps
I have rubbed my skin raw with erasures
But these scars are still here
And the words you said still ring in my ears
And I cling to dirty sheets and dirty blankets
I know we’ve all got a lot of dirty secrets
But how far do we go to hide?
Well, our mothers and fathers say they have the answers
But we both know there are no answers to be found
And I died more when I knew you
Than I’ve lived in the years that now begin to pass
It was a long weekend
Long night after another long night
And I got coked out and felt my life fly so low
But I fly so high
Every day I fly, I fly so high
You can’t touch me now
And when you ask where have I been?
I will probably ignore you more than anything
Because I can’t look in your eyes without wanting to go blind
You were everything once but now I’ve left that behind
You ruined my life once and I won’t live it again
I want to spend the rest of my life feeling alive
And all I do around you is die
And all I’ve done since is fly so high
Die at one hundred times the speed of light

Walk to the elevator
Lift to the roof
Smoke cigarettes
Watch the city beneath
Aw, fuck it all
Aw, fuck, I lost
I’m losing the race
So can I get a glimpse
You hide your face
And just like history has shown me
I am not the best one
Usually I’m second to the next one
What words do we need to speak
It’s not you it’s me
Aw, fuck, how can we believe
Shadows and silohettes
Closer to home than ever before
Or at least in the last five years
If it’s something we can grasp
Well, think, think again
Maybe it’s a cycle
You think while you’re starving
The same girl every single time
In a new body with a different mind
But you can’t figure it out
Like you’re running out of time
Why no reconciliation?
We’re in this together
Aw, we’re fucked
At least we’re losing the race together
Am I just a stepping board
For you to climb on?
Push yourself in
This pool is swimming
Throw your life in
Up late not enough
Sober at least I tried
I can’t decide
What life is for
I am a stepping board
I’ll give you a boost
I do so all the time
Out of sight out of mind
Until I am reminded
All the light and all the love
At least we shared our minds
And maybe that’s enough
Throw your life in
This pool is big for drowning
I can’t say everything I want
And you don’t want to hear what I’ve got
So I will run around
Like my head has been cut off
Need more drugs
Need light and heat
So we can survive a bit longer
Need food because we are mortal
Aw, fuck, we’ve lost it all
We’ve lost our way
There is no turning back
I guess this will have to be home
Throw your mind in

Steve is writing a book. ——- is making a noise album. Steve has no prodigy. ——- is an only child. Steve is full of life. ——- is a meloncholy man, creating his own misery.

Well, Steve says to roll a fattie and watch that movie, I’d rather read a book but I find myself staring at the screen. Who is who and whoa is me. And, oh, why the whoa? Well, I’ve just been told I am the biggest insomniac in the building, staying up later and later into the morning, but the whoa is in this, I think I finally know what my problem is, I just want to live. I don’t like work, I don’t like being held up, I like freedom, and I just want to be free, and to be free to live. Aw, fuck.

“Every day is sad and lonely and every night is sad and blue…” – Billy Bragg

…and as the muscle got tight, and the tendons stretched and the swelling persisted, I stared out the window, with a cold breeze coming through, sad, lonely ad confused, wondering what happened to you, and you, and you…

Maybe I will lay face down into my pillow and melt, maybe I will stay there all day, let it waste away like me, and maybe if I am lucky time will forget me and you would to, but that’s not going to happen, so I’m not sure what else to do…

There was a moment, maybe something like desperation, where I just wanted to get in on the action. Well, here I am, still on the bench, but when you call, it’s closer than a kiss. But Thursday I will drift away, because I have finally lost my mind, it woke with the dawn and left me sleeping, oh, you’re gone.

Maybe I want to be noticed, but mostly I just want not to be missed.

Pressure…

I’ve been tired, stopped listening long ago, my minds so far gone, and I’m ready to go there to… somewhere between hyperventilating and crying, breaking down the breakdown, lost all the time, singing sad songns, I can’t hide away…. sleeping alone, no home that I own, I don’t even pay rent, where am I going? Alone again, and I want to come home,e but this is as close as it gets, I’ve no desire for wheatfields, this is where I wan’t to live, but I’ve been so bad, from the moment I was born, I’ve been hiding lies, but I’m breaking apart at the seam and I wan’t to come home.

The Piano Woman

Out my window
I can hear
The piano woman
Playin’ her piano
On the penthouse floor
Seven stories above me
Feels like forever
And as I walk up the stairs
To see the world
From the rooftop
I can hear
The piano woman
Playin’ her piano
On the penthouse floor
Like she does every day

Day of the Living Dread

It rained
And it rained
And the clouds blew away
For a moment
At least so far
That is the weather today
Now the sun shines through
It could happen to me
It could happen to you
The rain will come
And the sun will shine on you
But it’s your choice next
What to do
This day ain’t over
But I don’t care too much for it
And I’m not ready for tomorrow either
I can type once again
But it ain’t all right, alright
And the cloud cover moves around
Covering you wherever you are in town
But someday the sun will shine on you
Break to pieces
Oh rain, calcium

XXII

Life won’t always be what you expect it too, a nd if you expect it, fools on you. Your head hurts, like a trigger pulled, you wish I’d went away. Eveyone congregate, we’ll have make-shift families, hey I know you and you know me, might as well be.

whatiwantwhathewantswhatshewantswhatiwantwhatyouwantwhat

XXIII

Living alone in the big city, a new experience, allows you to experience the highest highs and the lowest lows, all alone. It’s like emotions in stereo. Intangible thoughts on a big screen. Free bottomless buckets of guilt. In a dream a girl hit on me, cheated on her boyfriend, she didn’t know why they were together more and I was there and easy to, ahem… grab. It was only a dream, but what if she was having the same dream… or maybe he was? Paranoia xan be a harsh misstress, but we ignore her often. Just living here is one of the hardest tasks life throws anyone. Living life. Everybody wants to run away some time, but you can’t run away from life, an dyour life is controlled be the things you must do to stay alive. It’s time for another cigarette…. (don’t sweep it all under the rug).
Four kids I’ve never seen before on the roof. I say kids because none of them looked old enough to rent an apartment, not because they were punky kids who looked young, which they were I guess. Anyway, I sat and puffed away at my cigarette and I hopped in the elevator feeling good, feeling far from low. And the elevtor stops on floor 8. A longer ride down. Time seems slowed down. I don’t know what to do next. And what am I supposed to feel when the newsman tells me the dollar is worth less than it’s been in decades, what should I do about inflation? And Government debt? Well, why the hell are we here…

Simple is as simpple does, what I was and who I am, a wasted fuck, tell me what you want. Hey, maybe I’m not lost, I’m not lost…. I”ve been named, The King of Strange, it’s not my friends, but it may be what they want, whatever makes me try, make me try. Hey, baby what you want? Vampires in the light, in the ligt? Well I been crowned the King of Lame, not really, but I feel strange when they look at me, baby what they see? Vampires walk in the day, someday I knew it’d change. So lets hit the sky, we can fly, we’ll sure try, now not so scared of the night; bats take flight, say good night, goodnight, fly away.
My eyes are lead balls, ready to fall out of my head; eye lids like iron curtains. Wish I was sleeping, my mind is slipping, I am leaking, oh, tired eyes. Hungry like your mother, mother eartch, and she’s a whore, but did we rape her first?Wait for the worse, got a heavy, heavy thirst. Can you please increase the lead, I’m not heavy enough to take your shame, wrap it on the wall, waitn’ to wake up; call. It’s what it’s likem yah, thats my life, and she said to me, she asaid hey your shoes stick. Well not to me, so I tie a rope to the floor to see if I can get down from the cieling, how should one? And I in this space, I hope it’s not a waste; hey wait a minute, my minnds a-melting?

My eyes can only see now, and they feel like hiding behind that iron curtain… ’bout half an hour and I’ll be home, with a brand new pack of smokes, write the notes, read the sketches, hook line and sinker, what a stench, and my, my, what a mess… where is your head? My eyes my, my, cemmented in rubber and bleeding nerves, oh fuck.

This was a dream, and not just like day dreaming of everyday, the uncontrollable, deep sleep dreaming. A girl I knew was there, she was handing out waivers to people for a sort of small get together she was having with close friends. I don’t know why I was invited, but she started hitting on me and I decided to go…. and I don’t think I can even say the rest right, but I remember  being in a town and everyonen called it Moscow, but it wasn’t the Moscow I knew, and there were abandoned buildings that we sat in and watched the sunsets, and we car hopped and rode around town, and when the night was moving on and we were going to the party, well right before I found out why I had to sign a waiver, I woke up. Fuck.

1. The taste of clove still in my mouth, reminds me of drunken christmas parties in my first apartment. Friends of friends and friends of old and we all just mingle like it doesn’t matter how close we’ve ever been before. It’s just c ool to know you, you know? Homework is a grey cloud down pouring all over you. Eyes get heavy, love, love, love sleep. What is there to say today? Fun comes at a price? Fuck that.
2. My, my, my… my mind is mush, but you, you’re a lush, and this is a dream, or so it would seem as I don’t see you anymore. Hold on to that hope you had, but there will be no final touch, I will turn my head and my eyes will close,walk away, say the first few words that pop into my head, let me off this ride, I’m tired and sore and should probably just go home. And you whispered to me something about being free, adn I said to myself something about a flame, well, we’re sitting in the dark, maybe somewhere in the back of my mind. Again I say I gotta go, but you’re mind keeps mine in a lock or hold, pushing the snooze on the alarm, for miles of yawns. Anf I say, I gotta go, time to wake up, ’cause I know where you’ve been and where you’ll go, and you said the same in some sort of code and I forgot to listen the more than you spoke, because I am long gone, borders and boundries we’d break, and I pass them alone, to sleep in an apartment I don’t pay for, getting lost all the time, singing sad songs to keep me awake, baby, I’m long gone, sleeping alone, with friends I hardly know, all these things I don’t really own, closing the door, leaving you in the room, I gotta go, you’re long gone, I’ve got to wake up, it won’t be soon before long
3. Hours spent pissing away, I do.. but I don’t wanna come home. It’s been a long few weeks, it gets hard to breathe, but I don’t often wish that I had died… spend all night filling the ashtray, because home is a highway and I don’t drive anymore. Life is a freeway, you get to caught up in your freedom and you’ll miss your exit, get lost, get down, get out. You’ll never be the same, your home will never be again, well, we’ll fill the ashtray, try to build a new life.
4. Your head is swelling, dear, I say. Your mind is float-float-floatin’ away, oh, lordy lordy, as the ugly cassanova would say, stars don’t give a flyin’ fuck. So we stair, and I think you were thinking too much, I think I was breathing too much, oxygen, atmosphere, thin air, and I could see you there, your head a’swellin’ and my mouth shut tight to keep out the oxygen, wel, well, well what would one say? This can’t be a real live scene, but this ain’t no dream, no. You called me a bastard, and you had sayed that I had changed, but talkin’ on the phone you sounded so full, your head still swellin’ to an orbit, who would put one through this over the phone, but I was bumped up, and life was good, because I actually felt better without you for once. Aw, fuck, stare at the stars, aw fuck, stars don’t give a flyin’ fuck. How the hell’d we get here? How… the hell’d we get here?There is this form of ADHD I believe exists, that effects artists; if you’re not passionate enough about what your working on, it may not ever get completely done, and that, that could be the death of me…. and who knows how literally that could be. Fuck.

   You can’t stop harmony, once that it’s started.

5. Here is a place, it’s been said, you can do anything here that will make your parents feel as though they failed miserably in raising you. If you want t o listen up I may just tell you a secret. Heaven’s unreachable when you’re always on foot. You could rot in a room and no one will miss you. Fear and rage make you feel insane and with a puff of smoke they’re gone, like some modern mistake. What is reality, and what is love? What do you live for and what do you lust for, or do you walk with blindfolded eyes, ignoring the world, and who would care, or bother to say a thing, your just another crazy person in a crazy city, sleeping ontop of a grave feeling something below, no screaming, no, goddamn. Well, can you hang on to the empire your fleeting some name you built misleadingly you can’t float through the cieling there is no escape. They’re doing herion and talking smack, chicks snortin’ coke while they’re men get wasted and they’re leavin, yeah, they’re leavin’ with some cheaper girl. Wll that just shows how it goes, prepare for a showdow, show me what now, who knows, what, now who knows? March march march into the ocean the storm is coming, the storm is coming, saet sail for they, we’ve got to fly somehow, we’ve got fly, show up for the showdown. Guilty pleasures are our sins, do you feel the darkness crawl up your skin? The devil walks the city at night, as the darkness crawls up your skin, you’ll know you saw the devil that time. Ho, ho, ho, a  pirates life for me, we give give give, take take take what we need, I don’t care who you are or we’re you been, we’re on a mission, we’re heaven sent, just a captain and a crew with darkness in thier eyes and not half a soul anyway; can we get back into, our modern lives, well we ain’t goin’ out without a fight, we used to be happy, until our eyes they did see, just how much we’ve lost, goodbye humanity. Siezure, lights, shake, body, sake, turn off the- shake, some, one, before i start to… It’s two o’clock, yeah, and my mind melts, scooby snacks, and I gag, and I, what did you say? what did you say? Well, I lost my mind today, it’s not the first time, but it’s never been this easy, I’m standing around wondering where my life went, maybe I could be happier, my mind, under pressure all the time, but my mind tell people that I’m fine, well I say, I’m fine, well I say, maybe not this time. You could spin around the sun for centuries all alone; it’d all be the same to me, I’m tired of, I don’t want to go back to how it was before, but I will come back again, and I swear (when my words are thin) it’ll be much better, well I don’t want to go back to the way I was before, something can warm and save these pirate hearts, in search of some intangible treasure, this time it will really be much better. Tonight we storm the castle, can you hear the voices (can you hear the voices) and it occures to me maybe there ain’t no crew at all, maybe I’m just hearing voice, maybe it’s all just voices. So I relieved, set back into a slow release, they said, “I can see it in your eyes”, and all I heard where noises, sadness seems so normal when you’re the only one in the room who feels it, follow me, into a place of reaxe, you don’t have to leave, anything you need is free, it’s not hard to decide. Madness, so normal, madness, so normal, sadness so normal, sadness, so normal, where exactly do you get back on the train to reality, I’m somewhere I ain’t never been, a mirror of where I live, in the city, but something’s not the same, it’s like today was actually a new day. The devil is standig on the corner tellin’ my mom he’s got a heart of gold, and the preacherman is there arguin’ “I know the truth!” and they all chattin’ Satan bein’ very nice, and I don’t know who this guy is, but I believe him. Puff, smoke, and life changes like that, a haze shows up in your day or one day it claers and thats when you realized it was there. Life, reality, it’s all fake. Or our conception of it is.

Read the rest of this entry »

{ transmission missing }

    …I actually wouldn’t be surprised if his name was Frank. He seems like a Frank, maybe it’s the mustache. He’s the one of the security gaurds at night here in  my building. He’s pretty nice, he seems like he’s bored most of the time.  I go out there, I smoke a cigarette, we chat a little, I leave. He’s happy to have some conversation, I’m happy to be passably sober (while not being quite so, you see). It’s all about the bullshitting, you know. Lifes full of bullshit. You slide through it easier when you’re a good bullshitter. You know, life.

A few hours earlier… ( a day )

I’m an insomniac. I’m so much of an insomniac in fact that I sometimes get this feeling when I watch Fight Club that I am not too far off from being and believing in my own Tyler Durden… well, like I said, sometimes I get that feeling, and when I do it’s pretty slight. Still, you get the idea.

I’m not used to walking several blocks a day. I’ve walked more in the past three days than I did the week before I moved. Also, it was over a hundred today. I passed out, from exhaustion and dehydration, and, well , I slept with my alarm going of for at least a half hour… and I’m not sure when I crashed either.

The view from the roof is really beautiful, I do believe so. I’ve grown very attached to my visiting frequently. I was there at 8 when the doors unlocked, I was there at 10 right before they locked it; and a few extra times inbetween.

I walked. I wrote a poem in Powels, though I think I’m going to add to it. Did you know I can write a poem in my head and memorize it? I taught myself to remember anything after a nights sleep. It sucks to lose a great idea when you are too tired to get out of bed in the middle of the night. Anyway, I walked to 23rd and checked out some neat shops, and a kick ass record store too.

I’ve learned a lot about my health today.  (Do my ideas~thoughts~etc seem a little more clear today than the last few days?)

Raleigh, go to sleep.  

(some friends are more than that, lifetime like brothers, always got your back, even if you sometimes make them mad)

meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow meow, meow meow…

(theres a meledy and a beat and only some of you will know what i mean)

(the things people say, some never make sense, you had a catch phrase, no one knew what it meant)

a g-string is not a money clip.