recent poems from myspace blog
10 Things I Hate About Me
I hate the way that I can’t sleep at night
It’s been many hundred sleepless fights with myself
A hundred more can’t really hurt if I am doing alright
I hate the way I always fall
I break bones like trends breaking out of malls
I climb too high and forget that I’m afraid of heights
I always set myself up to fall
And thats because I hate the way almost every day is like a battle
My mood changes the more my brain gets frayed aroundn the edges
The lack of sleep and the increasing anxiety of growing older
Makes life like a war my brain is the headquarters
And it’s being bombed but the damages aren’t so bad except my head aches and rattles
I hate the way that I’ve developed into a sad person
Spent so much time soaking in from family and best friends
A suicidal friend she was like a big sister
The death of a hometown hero eighteen years young
The slow degradation of our world and society
Trying to hold up these for walls is killing me
And maybe that’s what it means to gain immortality
To escape the pressure and anxiety of being human
We only die because we are killing ourselves
And I hate the way I over think everything
My mind is like a freeway with no top speed
No radar traps no tow trucks no triple a
And I hate how I’m afraid of everything I don’t understand
I try to keep an open mind all of the time
I believe in try anything once to some extent
But the future, the present, the inexplicable
Makes me feel so small and insignificant
Which brings me to how much I hate being alone
I can hardly stop myself from crying when life gets overwhelming
I cannot sleep and I think about how I am smaller than a grain of sand in god’s eye
I wish I had someone to hold and remind me that life is here and now
And the sadness spirals a cocktail of the things I hate about me
And I hate how it dictates the way I live my life
So shy and reserved, so bitter and scared, wanting to be pure, to be heard
But I am a bit of a mess like a manic depression but I know I am fine
I hate that I am not self assertive enough I never had a plan
I floated along holding on to only what interests me and now I am working for the man
But I’ve learned a lot through all my mistakes
I’ve figured out some things about life between laziness and haziness
I am pretty sure I am doing fine and everything will be ok
But the last thing I hate about me right now
Is how I can’t keep my head straight
I can hardly blink or breathe
Because of all of the things I hate about me
All my complications and all my regrets
Everything is eating up the inside of me
It’s hard to hold up these four walls
When I think I’ve found someone
And I have no idea whats going on
I hardly even know whats going on with myself
I hate that I can’t control myself
Staying up late at night wondering
Wishing you were here in my arms
It could happen someday
But I beat my brain up and lay awake
Unable to slow my mind down
Unable to stop wondering if you’re the one
Telling myself I shouldn’t tell you thoughts like this
Afraid I will scare you away but still hoping for more of your sweet kiss
A Quasi-Zen Approach At Life
Sometimes you just have to remember
That it should be enough to be content with life
There is always a constant search
But you can stop and smell the roses
Take some time to sketch the hedges
Take a nap and dream of other planets
Keep your feet on the ground and build a life
You don’t always have to be moving around
Move forward in career and keep growing up
Notice the things in life that make you feel old
New buildings new street lights new roads
The city glow is beautiful reflecting off clouds
Reach out even if I don’t know you
Give a hand and a smile and a have a nice day
Look into your eyes and smile
You pull me in and distract me
Forget about the stress and anxiety
I’ve spent enough of my life in wonder
Now I am learning to fly this
Somebody shot the pilot
And I’m not afraid
Because I’ve only got one chance
And I am what I make myself be
I’ve moved across this land
Trying to lay roots
When I should be planting seeds
Grow my own happieness
Wait for the right time
To give a smile and a kiss
Tell you I love you and this is bliss
How Much Time Wasted Spent Dreaming Awake (Or Is It A Waste?)
My lungs are beating me up
Saying, too many cigarettes
We love you to death, son
Caugh up pieces of me
Scrape up the lung chunks
My head is beating me up
Saying, you’ve givin me too much
Too much to contemplate about
Too many drugs to slow me down
You wouldn’t even know how
To love to death, son
If it weren’t for the circuitry
That you’re fucking with constantly
So I use my aches and pains
As an excise to smoke too many cigarettes
Take some of this and that
To try to stop all the feelings
The feelings that say to me
Hey son, we’re tired
We’re worn out and strung out
We are ringing in your ears
Trying to keep you awake
Trying to fill you with uneeded fears
And I fight back a caugh
And I choke back tears
And I tell my head to shut up
I’m sick of it’s aches
Over working just to get paid
Working harder cause it’s not for a grade
Because this is real life
You know what they say
If you’re trying to be good
Then your life should be ok
So my hands clench tight
Between shaking from time to time
They’re saying hold on, son
Hold on to what makes you move
And my feet they always get up
And they always say to me
Come on we’ve got to get going
It’s a brand new day
The sun is up and the people are bumping
There is a lot to do with our time
It’s time to jump up and enjoy life
My eyes blink and wonder
Try not to think, son
Keep your head afloat
Waiting for the occasional rescue boat
Or try to build one yourself
Afloat in an ocean of knowledge as wealth
And my heart sits quietly
Waiting patiently for everything it deserves
Not wanting or asking
Not reaching out and taking or grabing
It waits for me to pay it attention
With the way it’s been treated in the past
It’s a miracle it hasn’t had an attack
But I swear I heard it talking to me
Whispering quietly to me
Hold on this time boy
I can’t hold together forever
But you can heal me if you really try
Hold on, son, don’t let go of
What makes you move
And what drives your soul
Things I Thought Staring At Your Smile
When I was young
I wished on stars for fun
As I grew to understand the world
I wished for someone special
Someone like me
Someone who would like me
And when I was a teenager
I dreamt about someone wonderful
I dreamt about falling head over heels
And as I grew older
I realized that time doesn’t matter
There are just some things you know
And as I lay with you
I think about old wishes and dreams
Its something I just know
Happier than I’ve felt in a long time
I hope this isn’t a dream
I would give you all my free time
If only I could stay so lucky
To have you be mine
Why Worry About The Sinking Ship If You Can Swim?
Smoke ribbons whisp
Like strings right through me knives
Water falling out of my eyes
I said I’d hold this for you
I must be a fool for
You had a nametag that said Atlas
I must have been high
Now I’m at the bottom
Holding onto the world
Crushing my shoulders
Just a little more nicotien
Just a little more love for me
My head is heavy
My eyes stay closed
I roll and roll around these sheets like space
Wondering if maybe I could affect fate
I am not perfect
But I know how to do everything right
I suck at games like chess
But here is the checkmate
Fall back like glass
Shatter at the spinal chord
Feel my skull dettache
The sunlight flows through the holes in my head
I watch the broken bones drift away
Out to sea
The stars are fishes
Out to steal me
Taste the salt I breathe
Am I dreaming
Nightmares never happen to me
Am I bleeding
Physical pain is so easy
Adrenaline and anxiety
Let the crimson flow
Float away until I am free
Wake up and hope for life to be
Something I can understand
I’m just confused and lost in this land
But I can be better than a grain of sand
I can believe
Even if I don’t want to stand
I can read between the lines
I just need my glasses on
I can hope and try to fly
Little needle in the hay
I swear I can find you
Wade through the mystery and misery
This is life so strange reality
you can’t break me beacause I’ve already broken everything
As I float through this world
I watch and listen and learn
I seek out the highs and the lows
I look for hope and for love I yearn
As I float through this life
I learn that I’ve got a lot more to learn
And I see the people in my life
They try to teach and they try to fly
But they can’t even try to see eye to eye
But that doesn’t make me any better
I can’t even get my own act together
But if I applied myself I might be a better self
So I paint myself a portrait
And I do it over and over again
BEcause I am different but the same person
Depending on what kind of mood I am in
I get droopy I feel broken
I get sad and deppressed
And I get tired of all of this mess
My body is broken my mind is wrecked
I need sleep to heal these wounds
I need some time to heal these bones
My lungs are full of crap
And I know what I need to do about it
And I know what I need to do about it
I get lost in my dreams
I get lost in my hopes and dreams
I need to remember to breathe
Not paying attention
Floating through this world
Forget what I am doing
And I fall down
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