…I dreamt…

Sunburnt Dreams

I awoke from a dream
Sad and remorseful
Just a tad bit regretful
Stopped by her house
Maybe to let off steam
Maybe because I just needed to see her again
We talked and she smiled and we laughed
We caught up on memories from the gap
The time between our first meeting
And the time of silence when I questioned
How my heart could keep beating
And she told me that she missed me
I wasn’t prepared for this
And some tears escape my eyes
She swoops in for an embrace
Holding my breath trying not to hyperventilate
And before I knew it or could care about saving face
We’re kissing with eyes closed
Falling back onto her bed
Making visual prose
When someone comes home and I try to hide myself
We get caught and it seems time to go
But she asks for my return
This cold war is over
Outside I’m a sunburnt shell
Inside my heart thick with ice
It finally starts to melt
And I go to my car
My friends wonder what took me so long
I got caught up in the moment
Forgot why I came here
And how long I’d been gone
Exasperation so I just give them the keys
Walk back up the street
Said this is more important to me
Now the house is full of her friends
I get in a fight with one of her ex-boyfriends
He tell’s me I’m not worthy
I’m just a piece of shit
He throws a couple of punches
I block and barely shove the kid
And you can tell he’s drunk
Because he starts crying
She tells him to leave
When the room empties she is looking at me
She is smiling
She asks me to get for her my special mix CD
One I had made right before she left me
I go running around the parking lot
Up and down the street
Looking for my car
Wondering if my friends are going crazy
Take good care of my baby
As tires squeek I bite my tongue not to speak
When the party moves outside and she come sup from behind
To give me a hug to give me some love
I forget about my mission
My friends hang for a little bit
But she is all I am focused in on
And we head back inside
Our future begins to flash before my eyes
I feel warm and happy and good inside
That’s when these stale tired eyes
Open up
And I’m awake
Another day
Months away from her face
Take a deep breath
Light a cigarette
Disappointment on my morning face

I thought

I thought I saw her car
It wasn’t her
It wasn’t her
Does she think about me
I shouldn’t care
I do not care
(but it would be nice
to be thought of
missed)
I thought I saw her looking at me
It wasn’t her
It wasn’t her
I thought I had it right
It was time to get hurt
It doesn’t matter
It wasn’t her
It wasn’t her
It wasn’t her
Tired of these games
Stopped thinking about her
Stopped missing her
It’s just sometimes I wonder
What could have been
What I would have been
I’m probably better off
But every now and then
I wonder if it’s her
It coulda been her
It probably wasn’t her
I don’t care

afterthought

Coasting/Cost (part 2)

Death is waiting
On this coastline
Dock into port
Cannot lose your sea legs
For the sea is life
And you’re afraid to let it go
All the danger
The storms
Giant waves
Sea monsters
All out to get you
Theres a safety on the land
But the captain must go down with the ship
His son doesn’t understand
Dreaming of a future
With skyscrapers and zoo’s
Libraries and motion pictures
One day he will be a pilot
Flying high
Because the sky is made of dreams
And space is the final frontier
Something he heard on television
At port somepoint somewhere
An earthquake brings changes
Devistation to sea, land and port
The only place that is safe is the sky
Now the father no longer wonders why

Misc. Words

In Hawai’i

[written on my vacation]

I am in Hawaii
On vacation
With family
Spending their money
And it’s one thirty in the morning
Thats four thirty back home
I am in Hawaii
Beautiful women are everywhere
And the men surf
And they drink beers
They walk streets
And inside they laugh at tourists like me
I am in Hawaii
Laying in bed at night
Unable to sleep
Reading Bukowski
The only book I brought
I have been in Hawaii
Less than too days
Six days until I return home
That is if I can bear to leave
I am in Hawaii
And all I can think about
When I am alone
Is this girl I used to see
You see
A couple of months ago
She awoke
Renewed
A passion in me
One day she just stopped answering
I am in Hawaii
And I wonder why
She gave up on me

Coasting/Costs (Part 1)

[written last night]

Love is the coast
Life is the sea
You are the ship
Docking from port to port
Staying long enough to leave
Death is the land
You can’t have it all
Like a cold child
Lonely
Wrapped in blankets
Tired eyes blinking
Dreaming of spaceships
Even though they weren’t part of the equation

Time keeps on

Several Wednsdays Ago, Thoughts

Sometimes it’s hard to believe I’m only twenty-two

The last seven years have felt like an eternity

And I can barely remember back past my preteen years

I’ve always been weird

More mature than my years

Still yearned for acceptance from my peers

But now I’m all grown

My heart sheltered in stone

It doesn’t take much to break it anymore

Once I let down my guard

But it’s all fair

O’ve taken too much for granite

I get so easily attracked by her stare

Even in my mind

In the poring rain at night

Rolling with the brights on

Almost forgot I was driving

And now I sit and look back at this mess

My slow motion panic attack train wreck

But I do much better now

Wear masks

Sufficate my pain

Argue with my mind until I nrrf to medicate my brain

But I think I am doing fine

Got a promotion at a job I can stick with

I pay the bills

I barely scrape by

I live my life

And I love my life

That’s why it’s so fucked up

A life full of fucked up situations

I’ve done that

And I’ve seen some shit no one would forget

And I’ve been at the end of my rope

But my minds made up

I won’t take the easy way out

I no longer seek the answers

I just make my own

Because no answer is still and answer

And it’s no tthe one I was hoping for

So I may just rebuild these stone walls

Look to the future

Keep trying hard

Because time only brings more to chew on

The good

The bad

The shady

The clear

Its not what they teach you out there

It’s what you kow inside your chest

Between the pains

The bliss

And the ‘god bless this soul”

Try not to be forgotten

Try to be heard

Fuck it

Try to be happy

That’s the only cure

Several Wednsdays Ago, Thoughts

Sometimes it’s hard to believe I’m only twenty-two

The last seven years have felt like an eternity

And I can barely remember back past my preteen years

I’ve always been weird

More mature than my years

Still yearned for acceptance from my peers

But now I’m all grown

My heart sheltered in stone

It doesn’t take much to break it anymore

Once I let down my guard

But it’s all fair

O’ve taken too much for granite

I get so easily attracked by her stare

Even in my mind

In the poring rain at night

Rolling with the brights on

Almost forgot I was driving

And now I sit and look back at this mess

My slow motion panic attack train wreck

But I do much better now

Wear masks

Sufficate my pain

Argue with my mind until I nrrf to medicate my brain

But I think I am doing fine

Got a promotion at a job I can stick with

I pay the bills

I barely scrape by

I live my life

And I love my life

That’s why it’s so fucked up

A life full of fucked up situations

I’ve done that

And I’ve seen some shit no one would forget

And I’ve been at the end of my rope

But my minds made up

I won’t take the easy way out

I no longer seek the answers

I just make my own

Because no answer is still and answer

And it’s no tthe one I was hoping for

So I may just rebuild these stone walls

Look to the future

Keep trying hard

Because time only brings more to chew on

The good

The bad

The shady

The clear

Its not what they teach you out there

It’s what you kow inside your chest

Between the pains

The bliss

And the ‘god bless this soul”

Try not to be forgotten

Try to be heard

Fuck it

Try to be happy

That’s the only cure

recent poems from myspace blog

10 Things I Hate About Me

I hate the way that I can’t sleep at night
It’s been many hundred sleepless fights with myself
A hundred more can’t really hurt if I am doing alright
I hate the way I always fall
I break bones like trends breaking out of malls
I climb too high and forget that I’m afraid of heights
I always set myself up to fall
And thats because I hate the way almost every day is like a battle
My mood changes the more my brain gets frayed aroundn the edges
The lack of sleep and the increasing anxiety of growing older
Makes life like a war my brain is the headquarters
And it’s being bombed but the damages aren’t so bad except my head aches and rattles
I hate the way that I’ve developed into a sad person
Spent so much time soaking in from family and best friends
A suicidal friend she was like a big sister
The death of a hometown hero eighteen years young
The slow degradation of our world and society
Trying to hold up these for walls is killing me
And maybe that’s what it means to gain immortality
To escape the pressure and anxiety of being human
We only die because we are killing ourselves
And I hate the way I over think everything
My mind is like a freeway with no top speed
No radar traps no tow trucks no triple a
And I hate how I’m afraid of everything I don’t understand
I try to keep an open mind all of the time
I believe in try anything once to some extent
But the future, the present, the inexplicable
Makes me feel so small and insignificant
Which brings me to how much I hate being alone
I can hardly stop myself from crying when life gets overwhelming
I cannot sleep and I think about how I am smaller than a grain of sand in god’s eye
I wish I had someone to hold and remind me that life is here and now
And the sadness spirals a cocktail of the things I hate about me
And I hate how it dictates the way I live my life
So shy and reserved, so bitter and scared, wanting to be pure, to be heard
But I am a bit of a mess like a manic depression but I know I am fine
I hate that I am not self assertive enough I never had a plan
I floated along holding on to only what interests me and now I am working for the man
But I’ve learned a lot through all my mistakes
I’ve figured out some things about life between laziness and haziness
I am pretty sure I am doing fine and everything will be ok
But the last thing I hate about me right now
Is how I can’t keep my head straight
I can hardly blink or breathe
Because of all of the things I hate about me
All my complications and all my regrets
Everything is eating up the inside of me
It’s hard to hold up these four walls
When I think I’ve found someone
And I have no idea whats going on
I hardly even know whats going on with myself
I hate that I can’t control myself
Staying up late at night wondering
Wishing you were here in my arms
It could happen someday
But I beat my brain up and lay awake
Unable to slow my mind down
Unable to stop wondering if you’re the one
Telling myself I shouldn’t tell you thoughts like this
Afraid I will scare you away but still hoping for more of your sweet kiss

A Quasi-Zen Approach At Life

Sometimes you just have to remember
That it should be enough to be content with life
There is always a constant search
But you can stop and smell the roses
Take some time to sketch the hedges
Take a nap and dream of other planets
Keep your feet on the ground and build a life
You don’t always have to be moving around
Move forward in career and keep growing up
Notice the things in life that make you feel old
New buildings new street lights new roads
The city glow is beautiful reflecting off clouds
Reach out even if I don’t know you
Give a hand and a smile and a have a nice day
Look into your eyes and smile
You pull me in and distract me
Forget about the stress and anxiety
I’ve spent enough of my life in wonder
Now I am learning to fly this
Somebody shot the pilot
And I’m not afraid
Because I’ve only got one chance
And I am what I make myself be
I’ve moved across this land
Trying to lay roots
When I should be planting seeds
Grow my own happieness
Wait for the right time
To give a smile and a kiss
Tell you I love you and this is bliss

How Much Time Wasted Spent Dreaming Awake (Or Is It A Waste?)

My lungs are beating me up
Saying, too many cigarettes
We love you to death, son
Caugh up pieces of me
Scrape up the lung chunks
My head is beating me up
Saying, you’ve givin me too much
Too much to contemplate about
Too many drugs to slow me down
You wouldn’t even know how
To love to death, son
If it weren’t for the circuitry
That you’re fucking with constantly
So I use my aches and pains
As an excise to smoke too many cigarettes
Take some of this and that
To try to stop all the feelings
The feelings that say to me
Hey son, we’re tired
We’re worn out and strung out
We are ringing in your ears
Trying to keep you awake
Trying to fill you with uneeded fears
And I fight back a caugh
And I choke back tears
And I tell my head to shut up
I’m sick of it’s aches
Over working just to get paid
Working harder cause it’s not for a grade
Because this is real life
You know what they say
If you’re trying to be good
Then your life should be ok
So my hands clench tight
Between shaking from time to time
They’re saying hold on, son
Hold on to what makes you move
And my feet they always get up
And they always say to me
Come on we’ve got to get going
It’s a brand new day
The sun is up and the people are bumping
There is a lot to do with our time
It’s time to jump up and enjoy life
My eyes blink and wonder
Try not to think, son
Keep your head afloat
Waiting for the occasional rescue boat
Or try to build one yourself
Afloat in an ocean of knowledge as wealth
And my heart sits quietly
Waiting patiently for everything it deserves
Not wanting or asking
Not reaching out and taking or grabing
It waits for me to pay it attention
With the way it’s been treated in the past
It’s a miracle it hasn’t had an attack
But I swear I heard it talking to me
Whispering quietly to me
Hold on this time boy
I can’t hold together forever
But you can heal me if you really try
Hold on, son, don’t let go of
What makes you move
And what drives your soul

Things I Thought Staring At Your  Smile

When I was young
I wished on stars for fun
As I grew to understand the world
I wished for someone special
Someone like me
Someone who would like me
And when I was a teenager
I dreamt about someone wonderful
I dreamt about falling head over heels
And as I grew older
I realized that time doesn’t matter
There are just some things you know
And as I lay with you
I think about old wishes and dreams
Its something I just know
Happier than I’ve felt in a long time
I hope this isn’t a dream
I would give you all my free time
If only I could stay so lucky
To have you be mine

Why Worry About The Sinking Ship If You Can Swim?

Smoke ribbons whisp
Like strings right through me knives
Water falling out of my eyes
I said I’d hold this for you
I must be a fool for
You had a nametag that said Atlas
I must have been high
Now I’m at the bottom
Holding onto the world
Crushing my shoulders
Just a little more nicotien
Just a little more love for me
My head is heavy
My eyes stay closed
I roll and roll around these sheets like space
Wondering if maybe I could affect fate
I am not perfect
But I know how to do everything right
I suck at games like chess
But here is the checkmate
Fall back like glass
Shatter at the spinal chord
Feel my skull dettache
The sunlight flows through the holes in my head
I watch the broken bones drift away
Out to sea
The stars are fishes
Out to steal me
Taste the salt I breathe
Am I dreaming
Nightmares never happen to me
Am I bleeding
Physical pain is so easy
Adrenaline and anxiety
Let the crimson flow
Float away until I am free
Wake up and hope for life to be
Something I can understand
I’m just confused and lost in this land
But I can be better than a grain of sand
I can believe
Even if I don’t want to stand
I can read between the lines
I just need my glasses on
I can hope and try to fly
Little needle in the hay
I swear I can find you
Wade through the mystery and misery
This is life so strange reality

you can’t break me beacause I’ve already broken everything

As I float through this world
I watch and listen and learn
I seek out the highs and the lows
I look for hope and for love I yearn
As I float through this life
I learn that I’ve got a lot more to learn
And I see the people in my life
They try to teach and they try to fly
But they can’t even try to see eye to eye
But that doesn’t make me any better
I can’t even get my own act together
But if I applied myself I might be a better self
So I paint myself a portrait
And I do it over and over again
BEcause I am different but the same person
Depending on what kind of mood I am in
I get droopy I feel broken
I get sad and deppressed
And I get tired of all of this mess
My body is broken my mind is wrecked
I need sleep to heal these wounds
I need some time to heal these bones
My lungs are full of crap
And I know what I need to do about it
And I know what I need to do about it
I get lost in my dreams
I get lost in my hopes and dreams
I need to remember to breathe
Not paying attention
Floating through this world
Forget what I am doing
And I fall down

Protected: time changes the tides

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here it is: that same feeling

Where We’ll Be Dreaming, We Won’t Need Roads

Messy hair
Bad breath
Yellow teeth
Lazy eye
Bad knee
Sleeping bag
Back of the car
Messenger bag
Magazines
Get lost
Somewhere on the backstreets
I just want to run away
Sleep in my car
Find some vegetables to eat
Keep driving
Further and further away
Wake up
Another dream
Another day
Happy in my dreams
Happy part of the day
Breath
Drink smoke
Exhale alcohol
Bad breath
Lazy eye
I slipped and fell
On my bad knee
That’s great
That’s me
Load it up
Quilt and pillow
Pillow case
Hide my cigarettes
So no one’s tempted to still them
I’m well on my way
To another dream
Another day
Chapped lips
Stinky teeth
Unkempt hair
Slinky eyes
Sleeping bag
Messenger bag
Full of notebooks
My favorite novels
Listen to a good song
Maybe it will help me figure out
I’m already gone
Wake up
It’s another day
I’m in the same bed
Where would I be running from
I like it this way
Freedom isn’t free
If I ran I wouldn’t be happy
I need the money
I got to work
To keep the life
Try to hard
And sleep it off another night

Where I Want To Be

(Where I Want To Be) [Right Now]

Blazing in the sun
On a blanket with a book
Wind in my hair
Smile on my face
You are next to me
Looking through a magazine
You are happy
Because you are with me
And then I wake up

Alarm clock
Snow on the ground
Sun in the sky
Nothing but another good day to die
But it’s alright
I’ll wait out the insomnia
Until I can sleep
Dream that I am not alone
Hope to wake up in your home
But I don’t know who you are

Wake up

Text message
Time to breath in smoke
Let the day begin

Wake up

Life is too busy
I try to keep my mind working
Because all I want to do is dream
Life is too busy
To get everything done
Want to fall asleep in the sun
Wake up smiling at you
And think about all the crazy adventures we could be having
Because I know it’s too good to be true
And I can never get a clear glimpse of your face
And right baout the time I am wondering my fate

I wake up

To find out I am too busy dreaming when I am dreaming
And I am too busy dreaming when I am waking
All I can feel is exhaustion
Fell asleep in your arms
Woke up in a cold sweat to realize
It’s only blankets
And I want to hold on to the memory forever
But I can’t even begin to remember
How I got here
Or when this started
I wish it was the end
Or at least the weekend
So I could have enough time to dream again

Wake up

It’s just apathy
I don’t want to do anything but dream
Lie here almost naked
Feel the stiffness and the soreness in my muscles and bones
Hear the ringing and the messages on my phone
Just leave me alone
I need some time to rest my legs
And I need some place to rest my head
Because if I don’t fill up
I’m going to fuck everything up
Just let me dream
It’s just my mind fulfilling my art school dropout needs
I need the vivid colors
The easily manipulated cast
I need the settings and stories and crazy freaked out scenes
I’ll love you all if you just let me sleep
It’s just a little mental masturbation
Just let me sleep
Just let me sleep
Just let me sleep so I can dream
I am dying to dream

Borrowed Nostalgia

So, yeah, this is a blog. I guess I should, you know, like, um… write stuff on here? Well, here it goes;

It’s that Time of year where there never seems to be enough Time.  All day every day is filled with Time, but it is never enough. I work quite a bit, but I don’t even pull in 40 hours most weeks. I spend as much Time with my friends as I can, conversing, listing to music, sharing life philosphies. I find Time to make music. I watch movies (but never television), and I read up on all manners of interesting subjects on the interwebs in my free Time. Really, my life is pretty good. But Time is always fleeting.

On the flip side of the coin, I don’t read as much as I like to, because there is never enough Time. In the winter time is sucked up by the cold. I can’t sleep in as long because I have to get up earlier, to warm the car, sometimes to scrape the ice off of it, sometimes just because the roads are so covered in ice it takes more Time to get where you’re going. I sit in traffic and watch Time fly by. It still takes a load of my Time to fall asleep, Time spent trying to calm and sooth my insomnia so that I can wake up refreshed instead of sluggish for work.

Lately, I’ve been pretty nostalgic, but for what or when I am not really sure. I mean, where/when in Time could I be nostalgic for? High school was a haze of horomones and depression, bad grades and cheating girlfriends. After high school was alcohol as the worlds only solution, followed by the ultimate anti-depressant, and experimentation with numerous drugs. Now I’m only 22 years old. I don’t have a ton of awesome memories of being young, and I’m sure I’ll spend the next several years trying to forget high school and my brief tenure in college.

So what is it that I miss?

I don’t know.

I found myself today remebering an ex-girlfriend (no not the cheating one for those of you who know). I walked around Wal-Mart amongst the last minute Christmas shoppers and saw a rubber ducky that was made to look like frosty the snowman. This in turn reminded me of this particular ex, and how much Christmas meant to her, and how nice it was that she was a part of my life at that time. She was one of those relationships that “remindn you how to love again,” because I was definatly, at that time, sure that my heart was nonexistant. If nothing else that relationship showed me that Ii could love again, and that I could be loved. Even if it didn’t last. Even if that was the last relationship I was in. Even if that was 2 years ago. Do you see how the train of thought goes from happy to sad in about 6 seconds?

There is another girl I keep going back to in my mind, one I actually never really dated, though I think there was a time I had a chance. I still talk to her quite a bit, and I’ve watched her go from boyfriend to boyfriend and every time she becomes single again I try and get to a position where we’re better friends again so that I can tell her that I really care about her and I’m sure I could love her more than any of her boyfriends that keep fading in and out of the picture. I’m always to late. I take too much Time. I’m not there enough to even get a chance really. It’s not so much a sad thing really. It makes me happy to see her happy, and out of anyone I have ever been interested in, I mean that the most about her. Her happiness is more important than mine.

But you know, I am still a lonely fellow. I think I may be too complex for most girls. I don’t even really meet new girls at all really. Because of my job I’m always meeting new people, but thats a buisness transaction, not a beginning to a friendship. But really, I’ve got a lot of demons fighting around in my head. I am quite possibley not even stable enough for a relationship, though no one would guess that, only I can admit it. I can’t run away from my scars, I can’t run away from my past, my fuck-ups make me who I am. I’m like a troubled, depressed munk. I know the problems, I can see the root of the problems and I have been learning more about patience and I can stand t o be alone more than ever before in my life…. I keep trying to find the Zen in this depression cycle I keep flowing through. But at the same time, I can’t master it, I can’t perform the surgery on my soul that will make me all better. But who can? Everyone has problems, no exceptions.

Anyway, no matter how much patience I’ve gathered, and how much more I understand the world, I still can’t forget the feel of a razor breaking skin, the adrenalinen rush, dripping blood. It’s like getting high. For a second or two, when your tears and blood drip simultainiously you almost feel better. But depression comes back, it doesn’t bleed out. Suicide is an option, but I decided two or three years ago it wasn’t the answer. Most of you out there already know that it’s not the answer. But I had to learn. Anyway, the only thing that keeps me alive and going is knowing that there are a lot of things that can happen. I’m 22, I’ve got anywhere between 50-80 years of life ahead of me, hopefully, if I don’t fuck it up. That’s a lot more Time than the Time that’s always fleeting from me now. There are a lot of things I could see. But the most important thing is the people. I have met a lot of amaxzing people, and I know I will continue to find them throughout life. And maybe someday I will find love.

Well, I’ve said a lot, but I’ve not made any points. Maybe it’s Winter that brings me down. Maybe it’s the abandonment of a friend as though they were a casualty of war. The War of Growing Up. Maybe it’s because of serotonin levels in my brain. Maybe because of the numerous funerals I’ve been to. Maybe because of the shattering of my heart several times. Maybe because I’ve come full circle back to this town instead of following certain dreams. I loved living in the big city, I loved the idea of becoming a real artist, but I fucked it up, and that big city was twice as lonely, so many hundred miles away from the friends I had known, and the ones I would grow to know since coming back.  Maybe I will never be “fixed”. If I have to live every day dealing with the high’s and the low low’s of depression, so be it. I just hope I can find someone who understands me and can handle the inner pains and the bad decisions and the life choices and philosophies that comprise me.

It sucks to be sad even when things are looking up.

< / end rant >