Recent Excerpts from the Moleskin

Kismet

In the day
I dream about sleep
At night
I stay wired
With caffeine
And when I dream
I am somewhere else
Nowhere perfect
No heaven I believe in
But I always wake up
In hell
Oh well
You know what they say
That’s life

A Short Essay…

A Short Essay On The Fragility Of Women

or

Women That Have Been Close To Me

Today I decided to go on a drive to think about life, clear my head, and listen to music loud. After a while my head was pretty clear and devoid of interesting thought when I suddenly started checking out a girl walking down the side of the road. She turned out to be an ex-girlfriend.

That got me thinking about other ex-girlfriends, women I have tried to start relationships, and women who I was very close to, best friends even. What do they all have in common?

Fragility.

Boredom = Comics = Chaotica

New Directions B/W A Chronological Account of My Record Collection

Due to boredom, and the fact that my friend recently started blogging again, I decided to update the look, style and name of my blog once again. I don’t have a lot to blog about at the moment per-se, but I hope to post more than just poetry in the future.

So I will post something I have been meaning to post for a while now, A Chronological Account of My Record Collection…

life is fleeting…

…and I am but a fly…

Sometimes

I think too much

Lately

I hardly think at all

My brain

Dormant spider eggs

Thoughts hatch

A million little spiders

Crawling out my eyes

My mouth

My ears

I can’t make it stop

When I want to

I can’t make them start

When I want to

My mind

A hive

Or an empty space

Filled with cobwebs

Until dreams come

Bug repellent

Sleep

Peace and quiet

a series of moments gone by

There is a girl

Who I love

But I’ve never told her

& I doubt I ever will

If the moment was right

& I felt she felt the same

I would look her in the eyes

Unlock the door to my soul

& say I love you

I love you & I always have

& always will

But this girl

Shes too much like me

& I may be afraid of myself

Therefore I am afraid of whats like me

Though no one is really like me

No matter how close

I have found no one fucked up

In this wierd way like I am

But that is OK

I take pride in being different

Most of the time

Tired of life

I wish I could give her a hug

Not for her

For me

In my mind I would say I love you

& she would never hear

Unless she is telepathic

In which case she would not need me to unlock the door to my sould

She could peer inside me, through me with ease

& if she’s been friends with me this long

Reading my sould

My mistakes

My pains

& she is still around

Then it’s meant to be

Maybe I don’t know what love is

But whatever it is I feel

It is [new]oddly unconditional

[new]

.

There is a girl

Who I love

But I’ve never told her

& I doubt I ever will

If the moment was right

& I felt she felt the same

I would look her in the eyes

Unlock the door to my soul

& say I love you

I love you & I always have

& always will

But this girl

Shes too much like me

& I may be afraid of myself

Therefore I am afraid of whats like me

Though no one is really like me

No matter how close

I have found no one fucked up

In this wierd way like I am

But that is OK

I take pride in being different

Most of the time

Tired of life

I wish I could give her a hug

Not for her

For me

In my mind I would say I love you

& she would never hear

Unless she is telepathic

In which case she would not need me to unlock the door to my soul

She could peer inside me, through me with ease

& if she’s been friends with me this long

Reading my sould

My mistakes

My pains

& she is still around

Then it’s meant to be

Maybe I don’t know what love is

But whatever it is I feel

It is oddly unconditional

.

.

[old]

.

I wonder what

Some people think

Sometimes

I look in their eyes

I look deep

I probably see things

They themselves cannot see

Can it be?

Maybe I am wrong

But when it comes to open books

I’m a pretty quick read

But I’d rather read books than people

Books are more real than you people

In this new age we have no culture

I’d rather stay nostolgic than go there

Have fun at the apocolypse

Send me a postcard, a shot glass and a brochure

…I dreamt…

Sunburnt Dreams

I awoke from a dream
Sad and remorseful
Just a tad bit regretful
Stopped by her house
Maybe to let off steam
Maybe because I just needed to see her again
We talked and she smiled and we laughed
We caught up on memories from the gap
The time between our first meeting
And the time of silence when I questioned
How my heart could keep beating
And she told me that she missed me
I wasn’t prepared for this
And some tears escape my eyes
She swoops in for an embrace
Holding my breath trying not to hyperventilate
And before I knew it or could care about saving face
We’re kissing with eyes closed
Falling back onto her bed
Making visual prose
When someone comes home and I try to hide myself
We get caught and it seems time to go
But she asks for my return
This cold war is over
Outside I’m a sunburnt shell
Inside my heart thick with ice
It finally starts to melt
And I go to my car
My friends wonder what took me so long
I got caught up in the moment
Forgot why I came here
And how long I’d been gone
Exasperation so I just give them the keys
Walk back up the street
Said this is more important to me
Now the house is full of her friends
I get in a fight with one of her ex-boyfriends
He tell’s me I’m not worthy
I’m just a piece of shit
He throws a couple of punches
I block and barely shove the kid
And you can tell he’s drunk
Because he starts crying
She tells him to leave
When the room empties she is looking at me
She is smiling
She asks me to get for her my special mix CD
One I had made right before she left me
I go running around the parking lot
Up and down the street
Looking for my car
Wondering if my friends are going crazy
Take good care of my baby
As tires squeek I bite my tongue not to speak
When the party moves outside and she come sup from behind
To give me a hug to give me some love
I forget about my mission
My friends hang for a little bit
But she is all I am focused in on
And we head back inside
Our future begins to flash before my eyes
I feel warm and happy and good inside
That’s when these stale tired eyes
Open up
And I’m awake
Another day
Months away from her face
Take a deep breath
Light a cigarette
Disappointment on my morning face

I thought

I thought I saw her car
It wasn’t her
It wasn’t her
Does she think about me
I shouldn’t care
I do not care
(but it would be nice
to be thought of
missed)
I thought I saw her looking at me
It wasn’t her
It wasn’t her
I thought I had it right
It was time to get hurt
It doesn’t matter
It wasn’t her
It wasn’t her
It wasn’t her
Tired of these games
Stopped thinking about her
Stopped missing her
It’s just sometimes I wonder
What could have been
What I would have been
I’m probably better off
But every now and then
I wonder if it’s her
It coulda been her
It probably wasn’t her
I don’t care

afterthought

Coasting/Cost (part 2)

Death is waiting
On this coastline
Dock into port
Cannot lose your sea legs
For the sea is life
And you’re afraid to let it go
All the danger
The storms
Giant waves
Sea monsters
All out to get you
Theres a safety on the land
But the captain must go down with the ship
His son doesn’t understand
Dreaming of a future
With skyscrapers and zoo’s
Libraries and motion pictures
One day he will be a pilot
Flying high
Because the sky is made of dreams
And space is the final frontier
Something he heard on television
At port somepoint somewhere
An earthquake brings changes
Devistation to sea, land and port
The only place that is safe is the sky
Now the father no longer wonders why

Misc. Words

In Hawai’i

[written on my vacation]

I am in Hawaii
On vacation
With family
Spending their money
And it’s one thirty in the morning
Thats four thirty back home
I am in Hawaii
Beautiful women are everywhere
And the men surf
And they drink beers
They walk streets
And inside they laugh at tourists like me
I am in Hawaii
Laying in bed at night
Unable to sleep
Reading Bukowski
The only book I brought
I have been in Hawaii
Less than too days
Six days until I return home
That is if I can bear to leave
I am in Hawaii
And all I can think about
When I am alone
Is this girl I used to see
You see
A couple of months ago
She awoke
Renewed
A passion in me
One day she just stopped answering
I am in Hawaii
And I wonder why
She gave up on me

Coasting/Costs (Part 1)

[written last night]

Love is the coast
Life is the sea
You are the ship
Docking from port to port
Staying long enough to leave
Death is the land
You can’t have it all
Like a cold child
Lonely
Wrapped in blankets
Tired eyes blinking
Dreaming of spaceships
Even though they weren’t part of the equation

Time keeps on

Several Wednsdays Ago, Thoughts

Sometimes it’s hard to believe I’m only twenty-two

The last seven years have felt like an eternity

And I can barely remember back past my preteen years

I’ve always been weird

More mature than my years

Still yearned for acceptance from my peers

But now I’m all grown

My heart sheltered in stone

It doesn’t take much to break it anymore

Once I let down my guard

But it’s all fair

O’ve taken too much for granite

I get so easily attracked by her stare

Even in my mind

In the poring rain at night

Rolling with the brights on

Almost forgot I was driving

And now I sit and look back at this mess

My slow motion panic attack train wreck

But I do much better now

Wear masks

Sufficate my pain

Argue with my mind until I nrrf to medicate my brain

But I think I am doing fine

Got a promotion at a job I can stick with

I pay the bills

I barely scrape by

I live my life

And I love my life

That’s why it’s so fucked up

A life full of fucked up situations

I’ve done that

And I’ve seen some shit no one would forget

And I’ve been at the end of my rope

But my minds made up

I won’t take the easy way out

I no longer seek the answers

I just make my own

Because no answer is still and answer

And it’s no tthe one I was hoping for

So I may just rebuild these stone walls

Look to the future

Keep trying hard

Because time only brings more to chew on

The good

The bad

The shady

The clear

Its not what they teach you out there

It’s what you kow inside your chest

Between the pains

The bliss

And the ‘god bless this soul”

Try not to be forgotten

Try to be heard

Fuck it

Try to be happy

That’s the only cure

Several Wednsdays Ago, Thoughts

Sometimes it’s hard to believe I’m only twenty-two

The last seven years have felt like an eternity

And I can barely remember back past my preteen years

I’ve always been weird

More mature than my years

Still yearned for acceptance from my peers

But now I’m all grown

My heart sheltered in stone

It doesn’t take much to break it anymore

Once I let down my guard

But it’s all fair

O’ve taken too much for granite

I get so easily attracked by her stare

Even in my mind

In the poring rain at night

Rolling with the brights on

Almost forgot I was driving

And now I sit and look back at this mess

My slow motion panic attack train wreck

But I do much better now

Wear masks

Sufficate my pain

Argue with my mind until I nrrf to medicate my brain

But I think I am doing fine

Got a promotion at a job I can stick with

I pay the bills

I barely scrape by

I live my life

And I love my life

That’s why it’s so fucked up

A life full of fucked up situations

I’ve done that

And I’ve seen some shit no one would forget

And I’ve been at the end of my rope

But my minds made up

I won’t take the easy way out

I no longer seek the answers

I just make my own

Because no answer is still and answer

And it’s no tthe one I was hoping for

So I may just rebuild these stone walls

Look to the future

Keep trying hard

Because time only brings more to chew on

The good

The bad

The shady

The clear

Its not what they teach you out there

It’s what you kow inside your chest

Between the pains

The bliss

And the ‘god bless this soul”

Try not to be forgotten

Try to be heard

Fuck it

Try to be happy

That’s the only cure

recent poems from myspace blog

10 Things I Hate About Me

I hate the way that I can’t sleep at night
It’s been many hundred sleepless fights with myself
A hundred more can’t really hurt if I am doing alright
I hate the way I always fall
I break bones like trends breaking out of malls
I climb too high and forget that I’m afraid of heights
I always set myself up to fall
And thats because I hate the way almost every day is like a battle
My mood changes the more my brain gets frayed aroundn the edges
The lack of sleep and the increasing anxiety of growing older
Makes life like a war my brain is the headquarters
And it’s being bombed but the damages aren’t so bad except my head aches and rattles
I hate the way that I’ve developed into a sad person
Spent so much time soaking in from family and best friends
A suicidal friend she was like a big sister
The death of a hometown hero eighteen years young
The slow degradation of our world and society
Trying to hold up these for walls is killing me
And maybe that’s what it means to gain immortality
To escape the pressure and anxiety of being human
We only die because we are killing ourselves
And I hate the way I over think everything
My mind is like a freeway with no top speed
No radar traps no tow trucks no triple a
And I hate how I’m afraid of everything I don’t understand
I try to keep an open mind all of the time
I believe in try anything once to some extent
But the future, the present, the inexplicable
Makes me feel so small and insignificant
Which brings me to how much I hate being alone
I can hardly stop myself from crying when life gets overwhelming
I cannot sleep and I think about how I am smaller than a grain of sand in god’s eye
I wish I had someone to hold and remind me that life is here and now
And the sadness spirals a cocktail of the things I hate about me
And I hate how it dictates the way I live my life
So shy and reserved, so bitter and scared, wanting to be pure, to be heard
But I am a bit of a mess like a manic depression but I know I am fine
I hate that I am not self assertive enough I never had a plan
I floated along holding on to only what interests me and now I am working for the man
But I’ve learned a lot through all my mistakes
I’ve figured out some things about life between laziness and haziness
I am pretty sure I am doing fine and everything will be ok
But the last thing I hate about me right now
Is how I can’t keep my head straight
I can hardly blink or breathe
Because of all of the things I hate about me
All my complications and all my regrets
Everything is eating up the inside of me
It’s hard to hold up these four walls
When I think I’ve found someone
And I have no idea whats going on
I hardly even know whats going on with myself
I hate that I can’t control myself
Staying up late at night wondering
Wishing you were here in my arms
It could happen someday
But I beat my brain up and lay awake
Unable to slow my mind down
Unable to stop wondering if you’re the one
Telling myself I shouldn’t tell you thoughts like this
Afraid I will scare you away but still hoping for more of your sweet kiss

A Quasi-Zen Approach At Life

Sometimes you just have to remember
That it should be enough to be content with life
There is always a constant search
But you can stop and smell the roses
Take some time to sketch the hedges
Take a nap and dream of other planets
Keep your feet on the ground and build a life
You don’t always have to be moving around
Move forward in career and keep growing up
Notice the things in life that make you feel old
New buildings new street lights new roads
The city glow is beautiful reflecting off clouds
Reach out even if I don’t know you
Give a hand and a smile and a have a nice day
Look into your eyes and smile
You pull me in and distract me
Forget about the stress and anxiety
I’ve spent enough of my life in wonder
Now I am learning to fly this
Somebody shot the pilot
And I’m not afraid
Because I’ve only got one chance
And I am what I make myself be
I’ve moved across this land
Trying to lay roots
When I should be planting seeds
Grow my own happieness
Wait for the right time
To give a smile and a kiss
Tell you I love you and this is bliss

How Much Time Wasted Spent Dreaming Awake (Or Is It A Waste?)

My lungs are beating me up
Saying, too many cigarettes
We love you to death, son
Caugh up pieces of me
Scrape up the lung chunks
My head is beating me up
Saying, you’ve givin me too much
Too much to contemplate about
Too many drugs to slow me down
You wouldn’t even know how
To love to death, son
If it weren’t for the circuitry
That you’re fucking with constantly
So I use my aches and pains
As an excise to smoke too many cigarettes
Take some of this and that
To try to stop all the feelings
The feelings that say to me
Hey son, we’re tired
We’re worn out and strung out
We are ringing in your ears
Trying to keep you awake
Trying to fill you with uneeded fears
And I fight back a caugh
And I choke back tears
And I tell my head to shut up
I’m sick of it’s aches
Over working just to get paid
Working harder cause it’s not for a grade
Because this is real life
You know what they say
If you’re trying to be good
Then your life should be ok
So my hands clench tight
Between shaking from time to time
They’re saying hold on, son
Hold on to what makes you move
And my feet they always get up
And they always say to me
Come on we’ve got to get going
It’s a brand new day
The sun is up and the people are bumping
There is a lot to do with our time
It’s time to jump up and enjoy life
My eyes blink and wonder
Try not to think, son
Keep your head afloat
Waiting for the occasional rescue boat
Or try to build one yourself
Afloat in an ocean of knowledge as wealth
And my heart sits quietly
Waiting patiently for everything it deserves
Not wanting or asking
Not reaching out and taking or grabing
It waits for me to pay it attention
With the way it’s been treated in the past
It’s a miracle it hasn’t had an attack
But I swear I heard it talking to me
Whispering quietly to me
Hold on this time boy
I can’t hold together forever
But you can heal me if you really try
Hold on, son, don’t let go of
What makes you move
And what drives your soul

Things I Thought Staring At Your  Smile

When I was young
I wished on stars for fun
As I grew to understand the world
I wished for someone special
Someone like me
Someone who would like me
And when I was a teenager
I dreamt about someone wonderful
I dreamt about falling head over heels
And as I grew older
I realized that time doesn’t matter
There are just some things you know
And as I lay with you
I think about old wishes and dreams
Its something I just know
Happier than I’ve felt in a long time
I hope this isn’t a dream
I would give you all my free time
If only I could stay so lucky
To have you be mine

Why Worry About The Sinking Ship If You Can Swim?

Smoke ribbons whisp
Like strings right through me knives
Water falling out of my eyes
I said I’d hold this for you
I must be a fool for
You had a nametag that said Atlas
I must have been high
Now I’m at the bottom
Holding onto the world
Crushing my shoulders
Just a little more nicotien
Just a little more love for me
My head is heavy
My eyes stay closed
I roll and roll around these sheets like space
Wondering if maybe I could affect fate
I am not perfect
But I know how to do everything right
I suck at games like chess
But here is the checkmate
Fall back like glass
Shatter at the spinal chord
Feel my skull dettache
The sunlight flows through the holes in my head
I watch the broken bones drift away
Out to sea
The stars are fishes
Out to steal me
Taste the salt I breathe
Am I dreaming
Nightmares never happen to me
Am I bleeding
Physical pain is so easy
Adrenaline and anxiety
Let the crimson flow
Float away until I am free
Wake up and hope for life to be
Something I can understand
I’m just confused and lost in this land
But I can be better than a grain of sand
I can believe
Even if I don’t want to stand
I can read between the lines
I just need my glasses on
I can hope and try to fly
Little needle in the hay
I swear I can find you
Wade through the mystery and misery
This is life so strange reality

you can’t break me beacause I’ve already broken everything

As I float through this world
I watch and listen and learn
I seek out the highs and the lows
I look for hope and for love I yearn
As I float through this life
I learn that I’ve got a lot more to learn
And I see the people in my life
They try to teach and they try to fly
But they can’t even try to see eye to eye
But that doesn’t make me any better
I can’t even get my own act together
But if I applied myself I might be a better self
So I paint myself a portrait
And I do it over and over again
BEcause I am different but the same person
Depending on what kind of mood I am in
I get droopy I feel broken
I get sad and deppressed
And I get tired of all of this mess
My body is broken my mind is wrecked
I need sleep to heal these wounds
I need some time to heal these bones
My lungs are full of crap
And I know what I need to do about it
And I know what I need to do about it
I get lost in my dreams
I get lost in my hopes and dreams
I need to remember to breathe
Not paying attention
Floating through this world
Forget what I am doing
And I fall down

Protected: time changes the tides

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here it is: that same feeling

Where We’ll Be Dreaming, We Won’t Need Roads

Messy hair
Bad breath
Yellow teeth
Lazy eye
Bad knee
Sleeping bag
Back of the car
Messenger bag
Magazines
Get lost
Somewhere on the backstreets
I just want to run away
Sleep in my car
Find some vegetables to eat
Keep driving
Further and further away
Wake up
Another dream
Another day
Happy in my dreams
Happy part of the day
Breath
Drink smoke
Exhale alcohol
Bad breath
Lazy eye
I slipped and fell
On my bad knee
That’s great
That’s me
Load it up
Quilt and pillow
Pillow case
Hide my cigarettes
So no one’s tempted to still them
I’m well on my way
To another dream
Another day
Chapped lips
Stinky teeth
Unkempt hair
Slinky eyes
Sleeping bag
Messenger bag
Full of notebooks
My favorite novels
Listen to a good song
Maybe it will help me figure out
I’m already gone
Wake up
It’s another day
I’m in the same bed
Where would I be running from
I like it this way
Freedom isn’t free
If I ran I wouldn’t be happy
I need the money
I got to work
To keep the life
Try to hard
And sleep it off another night

Where I Want To Be

(Where I Want To Be) [Right Now]

Blazing in the sun
On a blanket with a book
Wind in my hair
Smile on my face
You are next to me
Looking through a magazine
You are happy
Because you are with me
And then I wake up

Alarm clock
Snow on the ground
Sun in the sky
Nothing but another good day to die
But it’s alright
I’ll wait out the insomnia
Until I can sleep
Dream that I am not alone
Hope to wake up in your home
But I don’t know who you are

Wake up

Text message
Time to breath in smoke
Let the day begin

Wake up

Life is too busy
I try to keep my mind working
Because all I want to do is dream
Life is too busy
To get everything done
Want to fall asleep in the sun
Wake up smiling at you
And think about all the crazy adventures we could be having
Because I know it’s too good to be true
And I can never get a clear glimpse of your face
And right baout the time I am wondering my fate

I wake up

To find out I am too busy dreaming when I am dreaming
And I am too busy dreaming when I am waking
All I can feel is exhaustion
Fell asleep in your arms
Woke up in a cold sweat to realize
It’s only blankets
And I want to hold on to the memory forever
But I can’t even begin to remember
How I got here
Or when this started
I wish it was the end
Or at least the weekend
So I could have enough time to dream again

Wake up

It’s just apathy
I don’t want to do anything but dream
Lie here almost naked
Feel the stiffness and the soreness in my muscles and bones
Hear the ringing and the messages on my phone
Just leave me alone
I need some time to rest my legs
And I need some place to rest my head
Because if I don’t fill up
I’m going to fuck everything up
Just let me dream
It’s just my mind fulfilling my art school dropout needs
I need the vivid colors
The easily manipulated cast
I need the settings and stories and crazy freaked out scenes
I’ll love you all if you just let me sleep
It’s just a little mental masturbation
Just let me sleep
Just let me sleep
Just let me sleep so I can dream
I am dying to dream

Borrowed Nostalgia

So, yeah, this is a blog. I guess I should, you know, like, um… write stuff on here? Well, here it goes;

It’s that Time of year where there never seems to be enough Time.  All day every day is filled with Time, but it is never enough. I work quite a bit, but I don’t even pull in 40 hours most weeks. I spend as much Time with my friends as I can, conversing, listing to music, sharing life philosphies. I find Time to make music. I watch movies (but never television), and I read up on all manners of interesting subjects on the interwebs in my free Time. Really, my life is pretty good. But Time is always fleeting.

On the flip side of the coin, I don’t read as much as I like to, because there is never enough Time. In the winter time is sucked up by the cold. I can’t sleep in as long because I have to get up earlier, to warm the car, sometimes to scrape the ice off of it, sometimes just because the roads are so covered in ice it takes more Time to get where you’re going. I sit in traffic and watch Time fly by. It still takes a load of my Time to fall asleep, Time spent trying to calm and sooth my insomnia so that I can wake up refreshed instead of sluggish for work.

Lately, I’ve been pretty nostalgic, but for what or when I am not really sure. I mean, where/when in Time could I be nostalgic for? High school was a haze of horomones and depression, bad grades and cheating girlfriends. After high school was alcohol as the worlds only solution, followed by the ultimate anti-depressant, and experimentation with numerous drugs. Now I’m only 22 years old. I don’t have a ton of awesome memories of being young, and I’m sure I’ll spend the next several years trying to forget high school and my brief tenure in college.

So what is it that I miss?

I don’t know.

I found myself today remebering an ex-girlfriend (no not the cheating one for those of you who know). I walked around Wal-Mart amongst the last minute Christmas shoppers and saw a rubber ducky that was made to look like frosty the snowman. This in turn reminded me of this particular ex, and how much Christmas meant to her, and how nice it was that she was a part of my life at that time. She was one of those relationships that “remindn you how to love again,” because I was definatly, at that time, sure that my heart was nonexistant. If nothing else that relationship showed me that Ii could love again, and that I could be loved. Even if it didn’t last. Even if that was the last relationship I was in. Even if that was 2 years ago. Do you see how the train of thought goes from happy to sad in about 6 seconds?

There is another girl I keep going back to in my mind, one I actually never really dated, though I think there was a time I had a chance. I still talk to her quite a bit, and I’ve watched her go from boyfriend to boyfriend and every time she becomes single again I try and get to a position where we’re better friends again so that I can tell her that I really care about her and I’m sure I could love her more than any of her boyfriends that keep fading in and out of the picture. I’m always to late. I take too much Time. I’m not there enough to even get a chance really. It’s not so much a sad thing really. It makes me happy to see her happy, and out of anyone I have ever been interested in, I mean that the most about her. Her happiness is more important than mine.

But you know, I am still a lonely fellow. I think I may be too complex for most girls. I don’t even really meet new girls at all really. Because of my job I’m always meeting new people, but thats a buisness transaction, not a beginning to a friendship. But really, I’ve got a lot of demons fighting around in my head. I am quite possibley not even stable enough for a relationship, though no one would guess that, only I can admit it. I can’t run away from my scars, I can’t run away from my past, my fuck-ups make me who I am. I’m like a troubled, depressed munk. I know the problems, I can see the root of the problems and I have been learning more about patience and I can stand t o be alone more than ever before in my life…. I keep trying to find the Zen in this depression cycle I keep flowing through. But at the same time, I can’t master it, I can’t perform the surgery on my soul that will make me all better. But who can? Everyone has problems, no exceptions.

Anyway, no matter how much patience I’ve gathered, and how much more I understand the world, I still can’t forget the feel of a razor breaking skin, the adrenalinen rush, dripping blood. It’s like getting high. For a second or two, when your tears and blood drip simultainiously you almost feel better. But depression comes back, it doesn’t bleed out. Suicide is an option, but I decided two or three years ago it wasn’t the answer. Most of you out there already know that it’s not the answer. But I had to learn. Anyway, the only thing that keeps me alive and going is knowing that there are a lot of things that can happen. I’m 22, I’ve got anywhere between 50-80 years of life ahead of me, hopefully, if I don’t fuck it up. That’s a lot more Time than the Time that’s always fleeting from me now. There are a lot of things I could see. But the most important thing is the people. I have met a lot of amaxzing people, and I know I will continue to find them throughout life. And maybe someday I will find love.

Well, I’ve said a lot, but I’ve not made any points. Maybe it’s Winter that brings me down. Maybe it’s the abandonment of a friend as though they were a casualty of war. The War of Growing Up. Maybe it’s because of serotonin levels in my brain. Maybe because of the numerous funerals I’ve been to. Maybe because of the shattering of my heart several times. Maybe because I’ve come full circle back to this town instead of following certain dreams. I loved living in the big city, I loved the idea of becoming a real artist, but I fucked it up, and that big city was twice as lonely, so many hundred miles away from the friends I had known, and the ones I would grow to know since coming back.  Maybe I will never be “fixed”. If I have to live every day dealing with the high’s and the low low’s of depression, so be it. I just hope I can find someone who understands me and can handle the inner pains and the bad decisions and the life choices and philosophies that comprise me.

It sucks to be sad even when things are looking up.

< / end rant >

Rambling On

It’s been a while since I have been on here, though that’s not so say I haven’t been keeping myself busy.

I released my second album, simply titled Goghst, well… a few weeks ago? I didn’t do anything to promote it through my myspace or anything at all about it really other than send it off to the Plague… but I still like it and if you want to hear it, or download it for free (legally!), then go here.

That being said, I have more than enough new music for album three,  but I’m taking my time making it sound right. I’ve started playing with a new drum machine and sequencer and it’s been a lot of fun. I’ve also been working on a side project with a friend of mine who’s recently gotten into making similiar styled music, we have something between 4-6 songs, and our tentative group name is Spacelab 2021. And lastly concerning the musical aspect of my life, I’ve started a Netlabel of my own. Sort of. The idea is to get my friends around town who make music to release some stuff for free, you know, if they are into it. So whenever we tie up the Spacelab project it will be released through the label, as well as my next album, and hopefully an exciting hip-hop/rap ep by a couple of my other friends, and yeah, it actually sounds good.

This Curse Belongs To You

So high
So low
So sad
Don’t let it show
Don’t let it show
Oh lord, please don’t let it snow
I’m not ready for the mess
It’s already too late
With the cold comes the bitterness
And we sit there
We share our highs there
We share are lows there
We share a hug and a smile and our thoughts and denials
So high, so low
A tear rolls down my cheak
I pull my hood up and tiurn my face to the wind
Drag this cigarette and pretend
That I could have something more than this
To get me through this life
And you could have something so much more than this
I know you’d care if you’d seen my cry
But I don’t think I could explain to you why
Maybe you’d understand
But theres no reason to exaserbate
Drive myself home and contemplate
Drag slow, breathe smoke
Say Anything on my stereo
Drinking gasoline to make it go much faster
So high
So low
So sad
Don’t let it show
Don’t let it show
Please don’t let it snow
I can’t handle the winter all time lows

All Memories May Be Lies

I remember
City lights
Walks at night
Waterfront
Drive to the coast
Cruise freeways
City parks
House parties
Ciigarettes and cigars
Flashbacks and dreams
No matter where I go
I am missing pieces of my heart
In the towns I have loved
And in the hands of those who are gone
Some of them I drove away
Some of them moved and fade
Some of them are consumed with hate
And the rest of them are in my top eight
Everyday life is cliche
Everyone is bullshitting it
We’re all consumed in it
Breathing it
Broken egos
Strolling these streets
Broken hearts
Skipping beats
Broken bones
Fractured pieces
Shattering reality
Losing momentum
Giving up on the dream
Falling in love
Could be the worst thing
Could be the best thing
Could be what this world needs
But I’m only worried about me
Tomorrow come the battlefield
Run with fists in the air
Ready for the bloody mess
We all make mistakes
But there are no reasons for regret
Everyday is precious
But you never know when you’ll find that land mine
Or you could step into a pile of their buillshit
Lost in the cosmos we wonder barefoot
Through this life we are blind
A shadow in the next dimension
An atom in the next
We are everything
And we are nothing
I don’t want everything
And I am nothing
I just want to be happy
And to be somebodies something

the speed of life

I can barely sleep
But I have to go to work in the morning
I could try to induce a coma
But then it might be hard to get going
In the morning
In the morning I will be bleary eyed
Smoking cigarettes
Morning commute and
It doesn’t end there
Delivery driver
Lonely and tired
Moving through life
Like a lost cat on a tight rope
Holding on for dear life
But ready for a break from this ride
It’s almost one in the morning
I’ve got work at 10:30
Ii should eat a breakfast
I should take a shower and shave
I should do a lot of things
Huh, ma
I should learn to better take care of my finances
I should learn how to take better care of my car”
I should learn how to take better care of my teeth
I should learn to drink less caffeine
But when you run low on nicotine you need something
We always need something
I know I am not alone
I know that I don’t have it bad
And yes there are people dealing with much much worse
But I’m just trying to live
And I’ve got a lot of pent up feelings to disperse
Like how the government is always robbing us
And raping us with taxes
Or how our money is worthless
No longer back by gold
You can thank the Federal Reserve
And of course theres the wars
The ones most of the homeland doesn’t support
And there all the petty little speeding tickets
Why can’t they just increase the limits
I know I should worry and care more about it all
But man I got a few dollars
We should head on down to the bar and
We can drown these sorrows
Find happiness and the bottom of the glass or the end of the bottle
Then we go home and we put the record on
And we scratch these grooves down until the break of dawn
But none of this is happening
I am just sitting here contemplating
All the things I’d rather be thinking or doing
When I should just be lost in sleep
I need to find my place with blissful dreams
Before I have to wake up to reality
And go to work and livie another day of life
All this will pile up and eventually I’ll die

I am very excited to be a part of this compilation. You can find my track “I’m A Little Paranoid” on the blue disc.

Other news; I will not be releasing the Post Paranoid Depression EP… but everything that was going to be on the EP is now going to be on my second LP for This Plague of Dreaming, which will be coming out some time in the not too distant future.

here i come, back to life

Goghst is being featured on NTNS Radio, aka NotTheNormal Shit Radio. Go to their myspace page and check it out.

Click more if you would like to read the lyrics I’ve written for the leading track on the EP I am currently working on.

You’re A Little Paranormal

You can download my new album now!

you’re a little paranormal, i’m a little paranoid

Goghst has joined This Plague of Dreaming netlabel, to release my best cohesive work to date. The LP, You’re A Little Paranormal will be available this week and can be downloaded from the above link or here, upon release.

Now I must go celebrate!

-Godspeed

Goings On

My blog has hit the 600th visitor mark!

Concerning Goghst:

I have a whole album ready for you. It is everything I have been trying to make since the begining of the Goghst project. All the sounds I have crafted and all the ways I’ve learned to make them have givin birth to my dream inside a dream inside a nightmare.

The album is titled “You’re A Little Paranormal”.

This time around I have a Casio, bringing more depth, I’ve bettered my drum-machinery, and I’ve found scores of royalty free samples to round out ideas. Everything is to my liking, tracks are named, numbered, album art is ready.

Why do you have to wait for it you may ask? Simply because I am looking for a netlabel to release this album through, in hopes of reaching a larger audience, an audience who loves experimentation and ambience and space and dreaming with eyes open. I’ve thrown my demo around to a few netlabels whose ideas and aesthetics match up with my own, and I currently am talking with one in particular. When it’s ready for release, you will be the first to know.

Secondly, label or not, there will be an EP coming direct to you near the same time as You’re A Little Paranormal, or shortly after. It’s half b-sides from the upcoming album, with a few one-shot experiments thrown in. It’s tentative title will be the “Post-Paranoid Depression EP”.

I hope the summer has been treating you all well, and when YALP come sout, I hope you sink into your sheets on a lonely night and take a journey to another world, the world of Goghst.

Any Port In A Storm…

Untitled I

Sit under stars
Watch cloud go by
Sad but don’t know why
Maybe losing my mind
I really don’t know why
So I sit
Watch cloud fly by
So I can see the stars
Find my way to happiness again

Untitled II

No one wants to be alone
Late at night clutching telephone
My eyes get droopy and
I feel quite sad
I know when I wake up
I will be alone
Remembering nights I slept
Sound
Girls
With my arms wrapped
Around
Happy to hear the sound of
Breathing
Now I watch horror movies
Late at night
To try and
Give myself a fright
So I don’t think about being
Sad
But
It doesn’t work
So I pray for nightmares
We are what we are

Untitled III

Sunken eyes and
Nosebleeds
No dear diary
Someone hit me
Or at least look at me
See, can you see?
Deep in these dark
Eyes like a black sea
Can you see this is me
Chapped lips
Stumbling across apartments
Wondering where the point is
When this gets pointless
Why fall asleep
When there is so much to see
I’m killing myself just fine
Killing time
So why walk
I run the borderline
Any day could be my day
So I want to live it up
Because I know as always
I’ll fuck it up

Untitled IV

Stars and cold wind
With a cigarette in hand
Eyes barely open
What will it be next
What am I doing
I forget
I’m so tired of it
Tired of nothing
Cause nothing is all I seem to do
And keep hiding other feelings inside
This could be the rest of my life
I hope it goes smoothly from here

What If Maybe Life Was Like A Horror Movie ?

Everyone is scared about something
Bird flu and terrorists too
But have we forgotten our other fears
Clown faced serial killers
Cannibals, zombies, and terrors from outer space
I feel safe here in my home
Not too worried who knows where I sleep
But what if the brainsnatchers were here
What if you are one of them trapped inside your body
And you can’t escape and no one can hear your screams
Out in the woods I hear a chainsaw
And I don’t worry about leatherface
But it might be a bit exciting
If we had these things to worry about
Instead of foreign wars and far off oil fields
Why aren’t there any monsters in my closet
Whats with all these weird noises
Somethings got to be out there
There has to be more paranormal
It could be so much easier if I was helpless
Watch my mouth or get slapped around
And when the murderer leaves the room
I will undo his ties
Run fast and far and long and hide
Taste freedom in every breath
But no one is pointing a gun in my face
I can shoot my mouth off until I get my fix
I can punch myself in the face or slit my wrist
But theres no fear of life challenge in it
I can not run away from myself
I can not exact revenge on my own folly
I wish I could shatter a mirror and watch myself shatter
Leave me behind in pieces
And start a new life
But I’d probably suck just as much at it

Untitled V

I wish I could
Close my eyes
And open them again
To see you
If you knew
It was you I was talking to
Tired and pathetic
Maybe I need to fix myself
But I think I need help
Eyes closed up
And I don’t get the nightmares
All I get are confusing dreams
With all my friends
And you are there
I’m driving buses off cliffs
Running in all directions
Always running out of time
Running out of art and sound
Smells and sights
Whats left to lose
Well I’d like to try being with you
And I’ve tried it all
All the pills, drugs and alcohol
Where are my friends
Which of them is true in the end?
Well time will tell
It always will
But do I have enough time
For this and that
Do I have enough time
To lay hear flat face down
Tired of being apathetic
I close my eyes and the nightmares don’t come
I see you in my dreams
I poured my heart out in a forest
I drowned myself in a dream
So that I could wake up miserable
And never say anything to you
About how I feel
Cause I’m not to sure
If you could feel it to
I’ve had enough of everything else
I’d like to try being with you

the night owl the night owl the night owl the

So many things to think
So many things to smell
Wrapped up in blankets
Listening to static
Smelling fabric softener
Eyes bug out
Like it’s getting late or something
My ears feel fuzzy and lost
So many things to hear
Am I not hearing enough?
I don’t understand it
I really do try
To taste the air
Like it could be the last day of my life
And I don’t know why
When I stand alone at nigiht
Smoking a cigarette
I think about you
Instead of how I’m destroying
My lungs
I try to smell what I can
Like my nostrils aren’t already burned out
And I can smell your perfume
On the sweatshirt you returned
And I am sitting in my room
On my bed staring at art on the walls
Pink Floyd poster
Wish You Were Here
And I don’t know how
I’m supposed to take it anymore
Like I’m supposed to do what I’m told
I don’t know much about work
But I know that there’s more to life
Than what we think it’s worth
Or at least I’m just speculating
Because it’s a bit intimidating
To be left behind here
Like I’m in some big hole
Caught up in depression
Carried away by the night owl

And if I ever thought I knew anything
I thought I knew something about dreaming
But could you believe that knowledge
If you knew how often
I have trouble sleeping
Bloodshot eyes
And I need another cigarette
Maybe this time I will be taken by the night owl
The night owl, the night owl, the…
Surely he can not be the bringer of my demise
It’s times like these
Insomniac nights
That I question the system
Wonder if my days are numbered
And I sincerely hope for someone
To save me from myself
Night owl to night owl I need some help

cigarette burn

Cigarette burn on my arm
What was I thinking
Cigarette in mouth jumbling around
And then a burning sensation
Pulled me out of thought digestion
Now it’s blistered and yellow
And it’s actually pretty small
But it makes me think about
How I think too much about nothing at all

under the stars

Talk talk talk
Under the stars
Watch meteors fall
Talk talk talk
About life
And sadness and stuff
Feels good to talk to
Someone like you
You listen
And you like to hear
What I have to say
Talk talk talk
And I’m not tired of it
Talk talk talk
And I want to hear more of it
Talk talk talk
You have a lot to say
That I’d like to hear
Talk talk talk
Under the stars
Smiling at meteors
And good company
As hours pass by
Didn’t pay attention to time
Talk talk talk the night away

shadows

You walk across the parking lot, chug-a-lug
Wide eyed with tears dripping
Can’t even remember where you are going
I can’t bother to care much longer
Sick to my stomach and I gotta piss
Another night, no, I can’t take another night of this
Swerve down the highway at one a.m.
Recalling conversations about drunk driving
Laugh at myself and feel like I need to puke
I only had a couple drinks and I’ve sobered up too
Burn down another cigarette before I stumble through the door
Toss and turn all night long wishing I were stronger
Wake up to learn that I am nothing
And I am everything
And none of it is more important than the rest
And as the morning clouds go by
If there’s a god out there I saw his shadow on the world
For a moment too long
Blew my mind wanting to comprehend
Took some tums and burped up breakfast
Bleak eyed and tired god’s shadow makes me cold

a short story

(the following is a short story I wrote when I was not sober in the middle of the night, so in retrospect it’s not as good as I thought at the time, so take it lightly.)

some thing is afoot…

You’re A Little Paranormal

Hey man,
You’re out there
You are a
Little paranormal
Hey man,
With your
Crazy ideas
And your
Crooked smile
You’re really out there
Man
And I bet you’ve been out there
For awhile
You’re a little paranormal
Hey man,
Lets have some fun
For a while
Show me the ropes man
Take me out there
Where we can be a
Pair of normal

the summer is sparse

To Blog or Not To Blog
a poem by r a blu m

It’s that time of year
When the sun burns bright
Just got to jump in that lagoon
And then I fell asleep on a mat
Wake up to find the sun burnt my flesh
But it’s godamned alright
What do I have to do
But lie here and think of… you
I don’t know what, what to do
So I sit here drinking, drinking
Drinking raspberry iced tea
Play my Casio and eat special brownies
And I must look like a bafoon
With my red face, skin peeling
So I just hide under my hat
Smoke a pack of cigarettes
Drive around wasting my inheritance gasoline
Feel good, feeling great, feeling groovy
But if you get inside my head it’s full of obscenity
I don’t know, I don’t know
I don’t know what to do
Drop a couple Prozac and a brew
Camping trips and cell phone calls
Thinking about nothing
Cause there is nothing worthing thing of
When the sun cooks y our body
While you swim around and enjoy the passing of time
Summer, summer time
I don’t have much to blog about in the summer time
I don’t have much to think, think, think about
But sometimes I think of you

Depression, Anxiety, Loathing and Fear

Thoughts and a poem (under the cut)

Walk seven miles in my shoes, and when you take them off, do your feet smell? Is your back sore, do your eyes water, does your head ache, do you crave a whole pack of cigarettes worth of nicotein? Look into the mirror and do you see sadness in your eyes, confusion while starring at a night sky, until the sunrise. No matter how tired, can you not sleep? No matter how hungry, can you stomache very much to eat? And when all the conversations are done, between you and your friends and your family and your enemies and your ex’s and all the people you never even got that far with, do you feel empty and alone? Do you stare at the wall, the old posters and memories burning holes in your memory? Do you look back and wonder where did the last few years go? Where did all the life go? Where have I been and what have I done and when will this intermission end so I can get back to the main show? – It’s all about the “I don’t know’s” and the “I don’t care’s” and the “my head hurts”. It’s all about the bleeding hearts and bleeding eyes and bleeding wounds. Tattoos and scars and unintentional marks. What is it all for? What am I hear for?

21st Century Man

I was born, I learned to speak and read. I learned to learn, to listen, to understand. Then I was pumped full of hormones and learned to live again. The century turned as I entered into my teenage years and I began to roughly understand politics and tragedy, death of friends and family, terrorism. The new millennium as they called it, was grappling around, fumbling hands reaching for meaning and understanding, and I too fumbled foolishly, feeling around to find myself out. And now the decade is coming to a close in due time and we’re beginning to see what this new century will be like. And I have grown, I turned 18 and could buy cigarettes and pornography and lottery tickets and whores if I so cared to do. Then I turned 21 and I could drink Alcohol and I could already see the widening gap between myself and the younger generation. But I think I may be finding it out, what it means to be here, a 21st century man. And I am not so sure I even know what that means yet.

It means that my children and their children will always have the world at the tips of their fingers. They will never know what it was like to rely on television as the only source for news and current events; they will never know what it was like to only be able to use a phone when you got home, or with pocket change on a street corner. They will never know what it was like to only have board games or even two-dimensional crude graphic scrolling adventures. They will never know a world where gasoline cost less than two dollars, when food was cheap and jobs whee plentiful and not sent oversees the faceless bastards who their fathers curse at night. They will never know a world where they have to dig through a library for hours to learn the answers to questions they thought up on a whim. They will live in a world where anything they want to see, anything they should never, can be found within minutes on the internet.

I am a 21st century man, for I became a man this century, this millennium. I live in a world where I see anger and depression and strife and terror on the news and in the streets. I see lazy people wasting away in front of their televisions and computers, eating their McDonald’s and Cheeto’s and drinking Starbuck’s and getting fat and numb to the unsettling violence and stupidity around the world. I see a world where people cry for peace and most everyone agrees that it is much needed, but the ones in control can never put silly superstitious prejudice’s of old behind them for the benefit of our children and their children’s children.

I see a world where everyone is either distraught or in bliss; for ignorance truely is bliss, for the ignorant don’t see what I do. They don’t see the silly rituals of religion and government and cult all alike, they don’t see past the curtain of control. They give up themselves to their gods and their leaders because they are raised to believe it is right and they are raised to not question and they do not; they will run blindly into war for their homeland; they will kill others for worshiping the wrong gods; they preach of love and prosperity for themselves, but deny it to the rest of the world.

All of this makes me sad. All of this ruins my appetite. All of this makes me want to smoke a pack of cigarettes to forget about it. Maybe I will die of lung cancer because of it, and if I do I hope I feel bliss unlike any kind since I was a child, I hope I can be ignorant one more time before I die, so I can see if this downward slope of shit our world is barreling down is worth the feeling.

Common insomnia outbursts in thought form

Curl up in my mexican blanket, chilly and alone. It’s 4:2o in the morning, my brain hurts, my eyes water, my soul swells. Watch an old movie, existentialist plot, hell I ain’t unique, just unusual. I stare at the screen and I get real sad and I wonder about life and I get real mad. Eventually I will lay in bed and tomorrow I will do it again. Always tired, always lonely, always depressed. When is the end of this cycle, what happens next?

And as I lay here, sore, bitter, tired and bored, I wonder, what happened to all those good friends who I could share everything with. We’d spend all night psychoanalyzing eachother and telling eachother it will get better when we are older. Now we are older, we can buy tobacco and pornography, liquor and beer, whatever. We pay taxes and we are supposed to be building careers. In another year we should all be graduating college, but some of us won’t be. So I lay here and I wonder, what happened to you, you’re not around anymore. You are busy and it’s understandable. But don’t you still get lonely and lost in your head? Don’t you still need somebody to talk to about all the problems in your head? Or is it just me now, with memories of our custom support groups, while you live your life, possibly ignoring the swelling problems inside of you. Or maybe I just sit here and think, I kind of miss you.

where do the ducks go? [2:40 AM]

My mind is cluttered, muttered the mad man. My life is a puzzle, all the pieces falling, so they say, into place. But where is the place and when will I get there and does anyone else care other than I? I don’t know, why, asked the quizzical woman inside a dream. Inside my head. Talking to the mad man, wondering where the ducks have flown off to? And I tell her, I can never love you, you’re not really there, a figment of my imagination, you’re inside here. As I pointed at my head, my imaginary head inside of a dream inside of my real head. Then I wake up and my head aches, my teeth feel fuzzy from all the cigarettes, I don’t brush them, I drink a cup of coffee, stare at the wall thinking somethings wrong with me. Turn on the TV, there ain’t nothing on, there never is, another hour and I’ll be gone. What kind of world is this, when I don’t know who I is, and what kind of cruel life is it, when you’re at the top of a mountain and it feels like rock bottom. I really don’t know, I nod my head with the rhythm. I really wish I could tell you, she said to me, but if what you’re saying is true I am a part inside of you, and I can’t give you any answers that you don’t already know. I told her she was invading my space, making me go insane, to go away. She said, “I can never leave you! I am a part of all of you. I am the goddess and I live inside of all the inquiring minds trying to find thier meaning, thier purpose, they come with living desire, wanting to get warm without touching the fire!” I closed my eyes and screamed at her, told her I only believe in living for right now and I’ll deal with Nirvana tomorrow, I’ll worry about my Zen only when I am low and full of sorrow. She cried, the tears ran straight down her face, a waterfall so beautiful and so full of the worlds sorrow, and for a moment I saw her endless age and a tear came down from my own face. She came up to me with arms wide open, and before I knew it I fell into her embrace. I said, “Life’s so hard, and it happens all too fast, my species is stupid and destroying themselves, every day I feel crushed by the weight of my knowledge, but I’m full of bitter hate because I am not the smartest, I am not the hardest working, I am just distraught and wondering through the desert, limping and sweating and my head always hurts” She said nothing, she kissed me. For one second I could see all of existence, all of time, space and eternity. I awoke in a field, how did I get here? I was three towns over, the last night I was sober, and now I was lost with a chip on my shoulder. When I finally made it home tired and alone I went to sleep, exhausted, and I never saw her in my dreams again.

yes terday . . .

What it is, is that when I am alone I get claustrophobic within the confines of my mind. It’s just so full of memories, everywhere I turn is another one; I turn left, a bad memory, I turn right and it’s a memory of a great time; but that makes me sad because it’s not one of the great times. It’s not even one of the mediocre times. Yeah, there’s been worse, but in different ways. And one of the most mind-boggling things is that, I am an entirely new person. Literally compared to myself at the age of 14. All new skin has grown, new tissues and the like. But I still remember those times, and I know that I’ve learned so much since then, but damn, who am I now? That’s what I’ve figured out, that is why I can’t sleep. I don’t know who I am, but it’s like I am walking through a giant room of photo albums of myself, and diaries, and conversations; and sometimes even feelings. I am just wandering until I figure it all out, ’cause there aren’t any exit signs in this library.

celebrate her sorrow

Kiss me like a beesting
Swell me up and turn me red
Unsightly clawing at the sight of contact
Heat me up like a microwave burrito
Lay me out in a pool of my own sweat
A river floweth from me
How could I drown from that?
A fever a secret to tell
A liar a lover a dark motel
A nightmare a dream again
I am fluid again
Burst my bubble with your sting
Honey you’ve got the venom
And I need my fix of adrenaline
Oh, praise the halvolina
God fill me up with your gasoline
It’s a gold stream of blood
From the deserts to the seas
Huffing it up like no tomorrow
I saw you snorting it with a twenty dollar bill
And that pales i comparison
You take enough for your own end
More expensive than a pair of twins
Well I have my safety raft
And I am going to float on
Like gasoline on water
Mix it with the lager to make it stronger
Take the shot Russian Roulette
You were already dead
See the candy rainbow spewing from your body
Into the gasoline sea
Who cares why you say you do
Do you think you can fly
Fluid fever tonic and herb
Fuel the fire set yourself free to fly away like a bird
But you got caught up in your own misery
Drowned and burned out just like my memory

if a body catch a body comin’ thro’ the rye…

I spent all night reading catcher in the rye, and man, I got to tell ya, it kills me how I’ve forgotten how much it shaped my latter teenage years. It just goddamn kills me, you know? I Spent all night reading, taking smoke breaks, and – oh, get this, it was fucking snowing like a madman, well, maybe not that bad, but quite a lot for mid april. Then I finish the goddamn book, and you know what? I figured out a bunch of things I relate to now with Holden than I did 3-4 years ago. I wonder if I am a goddamned madman. So the sun rises and I decide to have some breakfast; I was pretty hungry after all that reading and smoking cigarettes. So I made a big breakfast, eggs, sausage, toast, coffee. It was great and I felt good, so I thought I’d go have another smoke, and a funny thing happened, I puked. I don’t know why, maybe I drank too much coffee. I decided to head into town and go record hunting at the Good Will. There is this chick there, a real phony if there ever were one, she used to get pretty sexy with a couple of buds of mine all the time, and we almost got a little sexy once, but she didn’t like me, and she never really has. I was fumbling through my pocket looking for my dollar for the records I was buying and I couldn’t find it I kept pulling out this same goddamned receipt over and over, and then she printed out a receipt that had a total of $0.00 and said here and  had a slight smile, not a friendly one, a total phony  of a smile. I thought she must be feeling good and nice today and I tried to give her a dollar in change I had in my other pocket but she didn’t want to take it so I said thank you and left. Then as I was sitting in my car I thought maybe she was being charitable; maybe she was looking down on me condescendingly. Goddamned phony. I fell asleep at three in the afternoon and I had this insane dream involving a girl I used to go with for about a month, and we were madly into each other in the dream. Then I got punched in the face by another girl I riled up a few days back. Now her and her boyfriend won’t talk to me. It’s rude to accuse someone of rudeness on their birthday I guess. Oh well, they’re kind of phonies too, even if they were my friends. I woke up and decided to go to the super market that the girl I used to go with works at hoping to see her there. She wasn’t around. I smoked about 5 cigarettes between going to and leaving there. God, I’m a fiend. I really am. Some more happened, but I’m not really in the mood to talk about it right now. Nothing odd or unexciting, but it just happened, so why recount it right now? It’s depressing when the only excitable thing you have to talk about is something that just happened to you. That makes your life seem dull. Then you start to miss everybody. Don’t get me going.

another strange night in lonelyville

Cough Field

Sometimes life is harder than you expect
Face in the dirt hands tied dust in the eyes
And if you weren’t a big man you might cry
Up and down and all around left right upside down
My roots are growing dragging me further underground
The grit and the grime and all the lost dimes
Becoming a part of this leather skin
There is a heart somewhere hidden
Deep inside this tree trunk my torso has become
Branch out and reach the sky you’ll never float you’ll never fly
Not like the clouds in the sky with the silver linings made of lies
I am tired of this growing process but what else can I do
I am getting taller and closer to escaping this atmosphere
But I would rather be running through the meadow than be a part of it
But wise tree’s know they can’t get caugh uprooting
It’d cause a riot in the night animals hollering and howling
The world turns and turns around and around
Upside rightside leftside down around around around
I just want the chance to live that passed me by in a past life

[click more for 5 more pieces]

move girl, shock me like an electric eel…

The Opposite of Someone Great

I find myself walking away
From the spotlight
Wondering what the hell we were thinking
We got lost in a basement
And all my friends are trying college out
It’s like some sort of warning
That I’ve got a problem
I wouldn’t be prepared to wake up
Unless I felt a body breathing
I’d rather be lost inside my head dreaming
And the worst part is my friends they are calling
And I just toss and turn
Tell my phone to shut up
I’ll just tell them I didn’t realize I had a call
And sometime in the late afternoon I wake up
No one is around my home
I almost wish I was still in my bedroom
I stare out across the city
The dog is begging for attention
But I’m not even acknowledging my own desperate cravings for attention
I feel safe for a moment
Eating breakfast at two in the afternoon
Call back my friends and they ask how I am doing
I decide I will lie again just like every time
Because I don’t really think they care
No not as much as they used to
I drifted away and sent goodbye letters
But I’m still in this state
Something great is gone
There was something great between all of us and now it’s gone
So I stagger around the room
Tired and full of desire for the kill
Well no one is around
So I drive without destination
All the same roads
And it’s all instinct now
My mind floods like a loss of self control
And I wonder if I drive of a cliff if it will go well
How long can I go on thinking I am invincible
Before something proves me wrong
And I close my eyes for the last time
Just a body and I’m gone
There used to be a lot to say between us
We used to share new music
And complain about the weather
We should have been better friends back in high school
But time pulls us around
Takes us for a ride
And it’s over before we’re sure that it’s alright
Something great is gone
It used to be in the air of mystery
Every time we went over our fading histories
Some kind of spark that makes two people feel close
Like a best friend until the end
But sometimes the end comes before you know it
You’re stupid, a loser, retarded
You are the opposite of great
Now don’t ever talk to me again
You say to me like it’s so goddamn easy
No I don’t care to go through this again
So I brush it off and it can be added up with the countless scars
From the countless dreams gone awry in this town like a junkyard
I want some attention but not of the negative variety
I will just loath the day as I patiently wait to get away
Walking away from the spotlight
Fade into the background and then the night
Walk away from another stupid fight
Life’s a bitch
It aint alright
Life’s a bitch
It aint always right

Sunshine, Rise… Whatever

Sunshine, sunshine, it’s time to rise
The night is over, a new day
Insomnia, insomnia, a harsh mistress
The wind is blowing, a lit cigarette
Smoke, smoke, breathe smoke
Stare at the twilight, unsettled brain not right
Music, music, you got to turn it up
Soon enough it’s yours, someday all yours
Comfortable bed, corner bed, beckoning
A morning after a long night of nothing
Wish I could say I accomplished something
But no one cares about my rantings
I run circles in my rooms, curses
From under my breath, I roll my eyes
I am starting to buy into my own lies
Ghetto blaster, ghetto blaster
I am a walking dissaster
Sunrise, sunrise, should I pay attention to ya
A sore back and a bag of chips
Morning, mourning, whats the point in wondering
What the hell am I supposed to do now?

Ongoing projects, thoughts

I’m devoting the majority of my time to life-improvement right now.

“What do you mean life improvement?”

I mean, living in Idaho sucks and anywhere else is an improvement.

Also, I have two new ideas for Goghst. I am extending an invitation to anyone to remix any of my work. All the download links for my eps and whatnot are on the goghst myspace page.

Next, I want to possibly write a concept album about Catcher in the Rye. So if you are interested let me know. This may also be a long term project because I don’t want it to be like any of the music I have made thus far.

Also there is a new place to hear whats new with my music, goghst.muxtape.com . Whats up there right now is the majority of what will be my next ep, but not the entirety. I am still working on it.

And finally, I would just like to say that calling a friend a loser and stupid and ditching them as a friend because they poitned out a rudeness, is abso-lutely fuck-ing re-tard-ed.

Goodday.

I said good day!

I Forgot I Was Alive

It’s been a long hiatus. I had meant to post pictures of the lunar eclipse and a bunch of drawings, but life is crazy and I almost forgot about my blog.

I visited Portland last weekend through wed, and it was awesome; I plan on moving back as soon as I possible can.

Otherwise, life has been weird. Learning things about old friends and new friends… drama and sadness are everywhere all at once. Life is fucked up. There is so much to learn, but for the meantime I need to grow up and put the journey and the learning and the wonderment on a back-burner until I can afford it all.

Anyway, here is some poetry.

Materialist Capitalists…. Screw This

I’ve got things
I have a roof over my head
I live at home
Just some down time
No bills
I’ve got a car
To burn fossil fuels
I got a record player
And a collection
I got stacks of CDs
Scratched in all directions
I got a computer
A couple of lamps
A couch and a chair
I got my health
I got my hair
I got all my teeth
Full of metal fillings as they are
I got a bookshelf overflowing
A bean bag chair
And an old family painting
But I don’t have happiness
Well I have pills for that
But they don’t seem to do a thing
So I just snort ‘em
I take drugs for my enjoyment
Because it’s got to take somethin’
To get me through the day
But hey, I’m ok
I’m ok, wait, no, no I ain’t, hey hey…
I’ve got a lot of things
I don’t need
So I sold some to the pawn shop
For very little money
And I gave some of it away to goodwill
I spent my last dollar on a vinyl while I was there
And I’m running low on cigarettes
Why is it the things I enjoy most
I have to spend and spend and spend to get again, and again….
I’ve got a spot in the garage
Right next to the cage for the dog
And I’ve got my own bathroom
Next to the laundry room
And I got shoes to cover my feet
Especially when they are cold
And I got clothes
To cover up my tattoos
Because people ask too many questions
If you don’t understand then you are just frustrating
I got glasses to see
See my lungs fill up with disease
I got a glass pipe, just breathe…
I’ve got a diploma But I aint got no job
I am too lazy, spoiled and my mind is overhauled
The circuits keep working and I think too much
I spend more time on the couch then in my bed
Stand outside in the cold wind and smoke more cigarettes
I am looking for meaning
Do you see it in my tiny Buddha statues
What about my tapestry from India
Or the prayer flags above where I rest my head
And all the burnt out candles
Garbage strewn across the floor
Too lazy to care about it anymore
And in the corner a box of cans
Someday it will overflow
And I will recycle them again
Pointless posters on my wall
Tells you the music I like and thats about all
Stupid art I made up between this and the last rut
Is it only cool to me?
Aren’t these only just things?
What makes a man happy?
It’s not a BMW
Or passing lots of tests
It’s not the nine to five or getting more groceries
It’s not the 50 inch screen with the hi-def DVDs
You could cover these walls with shelves
Put the best music out and the best books as well
Showcase all your classic movies
It just doesn’t move me
Monday is just another day
Hey, it’s just another year
Have you forgotten why we are here?
It’s all about the journey
Why are you sitting in that cubicle, unhappy
We don’t need corporations
Let’s burn all our money
It’s already worth less than the paper it’s printed on
Climb a tree don’t cut it down
Look out for others emotions
Run, jump, hit the ground
Why aren’t we happy
We went wrong somewhere
Our fathers got it wrong long ago
It’s all I can do
To just begin anew

[Electric Rain (this is a song I am writing, unfinished right now... theres actually a chorus I wrote but don't want to look for right now, but whats here is good as poetry)]

There is not a lot I could do for you
But if you don’t mind I’ll recite some memories
Talking in my car all night on a new years morning
We could talk about all sorts of things
But we seemed to have differing opinions
I would have kept trying
But inside I was dying
Laying in the middle of your street
Make a snow angel
Tell you you’re an angel too
I think I made you cry
Well it didn’t last long
Not more than a month and you were gone
We went our separate ways
To make our separate mistakes
Now here you are again
It’s so good to hear from you
I guess it’s not always hard to be friends
And when the time comes I’ll be here again
Because the hard times are just beginning
It only goes downhill from here
But I don’t think I could bare to say so to you
You sound so collective, calm and cool in letters
But I can only imagine the many tears
It’s hard to stand on the threshold of the unknown
But as long as you can find me I’ll be here for you
As long as your around I’ll be a friend of you

Feb. Picture-a-day post 1

This is by far my favorite, and is actually yesterdays picture. Watercolors and ink.

This is todays picture. I did it the same way as the above, but only the blue got on the other page, so I am working on doing something different with that.

 

Click below for the rest; and remember for bigger versions just click on the pictures.

is there anybody out there?

I made a goal for myself last night as I was lying in bed last night. What’s that, you probably aren’t asking yourselves? Oh, right, well, it’s to draw at least one picture a day everyday this month, if not more, at to post at least one from each day on this here bloggy thing. I was kind of a space case today though, so todays picture is pretty crappy. I’ll be posting it tomorrow cause my camera battery needs recharged. Anyway, this is mostly for me to improve upon my creativity, I hope it entertains you, yes, all two of you dear readers.
Godspeed.

New and old art.

ARGH!

I wrote out long detailed notes about all of this stuff, and then… I lost it. So now you get the shortened “I’m too angry to re-type all that crap” version of this post.

First: pastels on posterboard, took about an hour, there is a hidden ufo that you can only really see up close. For some reason I watched UFO files earlier.

EDIT: I just realized that the pictures are being cut off in the blog (and I have no idea why) and I am too lazy to fix it, so to see them better and bigger even, click on em. Goodnight.

more after the cut

computer problems / lack of inspiration / whateva

My computer hasn’t been working properly this week, but I fixed it today with my super techno-savy.

Anyway, on an off note, I’m watching tv and something bugged me. Something that has bugged me many many times througout my life. So here I will tell you how to correctly pronounce OREGON.

It is not OR uh Gone.

Nor is it Ory-Gone.

It is pronounced OR eh Gun, or, Or-again.

Thank you for your time. I will be posting some art sometime in the nearish future.

HBO and a lungfull

Bill Murray in a rainy graveyard
Punched in the face
Next to a grave with pink flowers
Makes me think
Things I don’t think much about
The art of film
To make one sad and wide awake
Broken head from broken flowers

new goghst

I am throwing another Goghst EP free into the world, read about it on the Goghst page or download it from Myspace, http://myspace.com/goghst

Happy New Year Slumps!

Post Script:

I rounded up more unused pieces and spent some more time editing and put together another disc, check the myspace, and check the Goghst page for notes and album art.

whatya say we get on outta here?

Who is safe and who is free?

“I came to America because of the great,
great freedom which I heard existed in this country.
I made a mistake in selecting America as a land of freedom,
a mistake I cannot repair in the balance of my lifetime.”

~Albert Einstein

We revolve around the sun / Worship the begining of another year ending

New Year ’08

It’s another new years eve
Tonight I won’t be sittin’ around smokin weed
Tomorrow I will think I may leave
So sit around and drink to my health
Wrap me up and put me on the shelf
Forget I’m there until I steal your wealth
Then come for me with witch hunt
Fire up your torches and burn down my hut
While you’re at it why not punch me in the gut
So I stand outside in the snow
Two feet high yet I’m so low
Maybe I should get in a boat and row
But the river is frozen just like your heart
Should have known it was a bad idea from the start
The wild adventures ripped the seams tearing us apart

New Year 08 (Already an Old Day)

Drive around go on home
Drink and drive and feel alone
Fall down on my ass again
Slip on ass and fall all around
Friend says ex-girlfriend asks about me
I don’t think much often about her
Now I don’t know what to think
Don’t think I know how to feel ’bout it
So drink and drown myself in liquer
Drunk and drive and drink on home
Now my body is so sore
I broke it up and broke on down
Wore it out on all the drugs
Now I am sad when I’m myself
Snort some pills and drink some seven-up
Lay around on a couch sore ass
Watch teevee and loath self
Piss and moan and piss some more
This one’s for feelin’ and for health

picking up on the cosmic super cloud of thought

Staring Into The Dark (a tentative temporary title)

My tongue is sore I bite off a piece
Cracked lips disintegrating
Smoke rolls across the jaded floor
I bleed my eyes out of all I adore
The tears fueling fauna seeping out my pores
He has a bucket full of sorrowful jello
Infused with alcohol and insanity
Now he’s changing directions
Paint drips down the walls yellow
So super callous with coral calamity
The body made of earth birthing next to me
Hearts growing on trees like lemons they sting
Eve takes a bite and passes it along
Onset of war a genocide of love
Fear and loathing for the loafing of this town
Your empire is vaccinating me with lust
And we fuck eachother up even more
Babies cough their lungs up on the porch
As we shit our brains out with no uproar
And we give our lives up ever more
As we lie about the lies that we live
Now no one knows anything real for sure
And why are your eyes filled with black?

{(re-read-response)}

 

Staring Into The Blinding White Light Of Life (and Death) [also temporary title]

Read your fortune cookie bathed in silk
Write in your blood of your tired fleeting guilt
Drink your neutral milk and cry, fly
Float upward towards the door
He opened the window
And she fell through the floor
Artful abortions and loud obstructions
We’re building our butter beehive
Don’t leave us in the sun to melt and die
Break us over your back like eggs
A broken rotten yoke to feed upon
And our eyes are all whites
Because we stared too long into divine light

box

under the tagcloud is a box.net widget containing the Ignore/Rant EP. Feel free to download and enjoy.

Sin cerly,

Goghst/AM

my foot falleth asleep

Wax Dream God Melting O’er Te Universe

When I was asleep I was a god
Rolling around on my cosmic couch
I created my own language
You could only write it in fire
My disciples holding candles to the sky
They forget they are made of wax
As they melt they become sacrifices
Ashes and smoke, hot wax to burn at vices
Well I wake up and my candles burned all the way down
And the sun is shining cause I have no curtain now
Crawl across the star spattered universe
Fall into blankets black swallowing me whole
Into nothingness broken in a black hole
When I wake up will I be someone again?
Or will I forget I am nothing
Swing in the breeze black and white lobotomy
No numbers rattle my mind
Stuck in a film nostalgic and rare
Dream when I am awake and die in my sleep

wednesday morning 3 a.m. coming down, feeling out

Snow Paranoia In The Country (Part 1)

The shadow coyote are hiding right in front of me
Standing in the snow smoking cigarettes
I don’t know which way they are going or dying oh please
Which witch will cast a spell down upon me

( 3 more poems / 4 more pictures / SPITC pts 2-3 )

i don’t really give a damn if i’m alone now

Friends Melt (Like Ice)

I’m losing all my friends
Bad habits of no amends
Some of them are drinking and driving
Some gave up a long time ago in trying
And in my car is a bottle of wine
Somehow left and now forgotten
We lose touch as fast as mind
He said “Go get a job”
Then spent all night crying
He lost his love and now no will to live
And in the summer  months it was fine
Far from this land and missing it in time
But when you come home
You’re not as welcome as you once were
You ruined their time a the party
Now you don’t know what to do
Sit alone at a table for two
Stare across the room
And wonder if it’s true
Always wanting to fall in love
Coming out the asshole
Or so they said and you start to believe
Nothing in this world will last forever
You can’t lose sight of your dreams
Friends will come and go
They can’t always last forever
If they force you to change is it worth it in the end?
They are all leaving town now
Some looking for higher ground
Do you think the storm will come now?
Well, we’re all looking for escape routes
He wants the easy way out
You’re search for knowledge
Does nothing to lesson the pain
If you’re in heaven or hell now
Send me a picture postcard
So I can believe in something
But in this crowd I am alone now
Screaming; “I am not your friend
I am just a man who knows how to feel
I am not your friend
I’m not your lover, yeah”
She told me those other girls didn’t know what they were missing
But they don’t care to see either
And she’s not here for me to be kissing
I am staring at the sky and dreaming of the sea
I didn’t choose this nor to be me
We are all the asshole once in a while
But you don’t have to stay that way
Pull your head out of your ass
Wash your face and smile
If you think you are perfect
Then you are in denial
All ye broken hearted throw your shatter dreams on the pile
We are all alone
I am on my own
Never saying anything right
We are all alone
And this is only the beginning of the fight
You shouldn’t flip a coin to make big decisions
When you are on the edge you may regret it
I wasn’t mad when you became smitten
Just got bored sitting in your kitchen
I told you life was worth living
And you just scoffed
Have you forgotten we are all human beings
Do you care about their feelings
We are all in the same lace
Could we try again
Or is this coming to an end?

random

Not that any of you care, but I finally am ready  to call myself an atheist.

If your interested in why, go here and read the essay on the origins of the bible and christianity.

I have been reading up on American gov’t, civics, Federalism, and the downfall of our country, and its all I can do not to run around screaming and yelling at everyone I know right now about the injustices we don’t even realizze are going on around and too us.

I am now one hundred percent sure of moving out of this country by this time next year.

YOU ARE NOT FREE
YOU ARE DESTROYING YOUR BELOVED NATION WITH BLIND FAITH AND RAISED INCOMPETENCE. YOU ARE UNWILLINGLY RAISED TO BE IGNORANT.
YOU ARE NOT FREE.
FREEDOM FOREVER, COME REVOLUTION OR FLEETING.

all i came to do

I still miss you
Even if you were just a spirit
A fleeting chance
A muse that took a stand
Packed bags
Running out of the door
And I lay around this room
Paint my walls
Put up images
But how could I forget
I am hungry
But I cannot eat
I am tired
But I cannot sleep
And I am sore
You are not here to massage me
My muscles are tender
And darling you are just a dream
It’s the same as always
Just another night
Dying inside one long stride at a time

all captains down

The rain is coming down
But in town it’s soft and slow
The roads turn to slush from snow
My mind is mush
As we get closer to the morning rush
In darkness and anger
Ran away from nothing
Now the storm is coming
The storm is coming in
But it’s not like we suspected
The police lines were tested
The flight attendant smiled
And said they’d be there in a while
But outside were the clouds
Freezing rain and lightning sound
Like its something unexpected
And the coast line was quiet
The lighthouse was wired
When the rebels attacked it
And they realized it’s not so dark
When you turn off all the lights
And look to the night sky
But you were alone in your tower
And now you are dying
The ship meets the reef
And the men scramble home
But there is a captain still out there
The storm is inside him
The captain is coming
And the storm is coming in
We were landlocked
Now divided
We were gridlocked
And your car slided
Into the ditch
Saftey glass in your face
Broken steering wheel on your plate
Lightning for breakfast
And a tall glass of rain
The captain is not coming home
The captain will haunt this cove
Where the ship meets it’s end
And the plane will come down
From time begining
To life never ending
The storm is coming
And no one is home
No one is welcoming them home
The quiet they are keeping
No one is weeping
All survivors home sleeping
They are lost and forgotten souls

twentyone

That old familiar smell
I hope you are doing fine
I am doing well
Or so I would say
If you’d give me the time of day
Because I want to smite you
I want you to think I am happy
Though the ice has yet to melt from my heart
Since the day we broke apart
And oh sister of mine
You were dead all that time
And I see your reflection on the TV screen
In a girl from in my dreams
She doesn’t call me
She’s got somebody
Twenty degrees and going down
The morning is ripening
And my head won’t lie down
So I stare out at the town
Glowing lights on the clouds
Whose reflection turned around
And I am going down, down, down
The fun has just begun
Passing over the lines
Holding my head together
With cigarette smoke and pine
Wobble up the stairs and pass out in my bed
And I had a dream of my friends
We were drinking ourselves lethargic
We are nothing, nothing
We are anomic
In my dream I saw an idol
Say hi, hello, I am a fan
Drink, ourselves drowning and dying
And I saw a girl I knew
But she wasn’t really there
I chased her scent
I chased her hair
Hoping from bar to bar
Because this is what we came to do
And then I wake up
The dog is barking
And no one is home downstairs
Smoke a cigarette, recover
Stare out the window
Lost another dream lover
Stare at the floor
Another day and year older
Five hundred miles in reverse
I’ve lost the map
I’ve lost my way
Same shit another day

the death of mine youth is at hand

snow falls
with tides of emotion
a head swells
eyes tighten
hope falls
and there is a weak emotion
a swelling hell
but I am free
mourning a loss
but it’s a week early
soon we’ll be carving the turkey
some thanks to say
but the snow comes
and the wrath comes
and the ice makes you swerve
and the, the massacre
welcome to hell
northwestern idaho
it’s getting cold soon
and they haven’t replaced the missing parts
to the heater not keeping warm
still awake at two thirty in the mourn
wishing you were here
or even listening
but you don’t know who you are
and I don’t know who I am
so I find myself staring into the abyss
a little bubble of light
our little hole in the foggy night
nicotine keeping me alive
remembering why I was prescribed this medication
trying to tell you what you should already know
I know the feeling
baby, baby, I am so forlorn
awake on the ground and torn
with my legs crossed
I got no meditation
my limbs just fall asleep
make it hard to walk again
but if you were here
you would learn who I am
and if I were here
I would probably smack myself around
wonder why aren’t I crying
when life is so so sad
there is nothing left to lose
and there is nothing left to fear
I have lived too much so young
and all I want is your whispers in my ear
all I want is for you to be near
but you don’t know who you are
and I don’t know who I am
yeah, I don’t know who you are
do you know who I am
life scares the both of us
is it something we can understand
come to me and I’ll be your man
can you find me, I can’t
coming soon a deadline
excited but I can’t stand
the last week I have left
and say goodbye to my formal self
the death of mine youth is at hand

Too cold to smoke a cigarette
No one called so I’m not gone yet
Eyes are tired so I close them to hear
The water and the wind flying through the air
I am lost inside myself
Playing hide and seek with my mind
My brain is there
But the rest is hard to find
I am drowning in myself
I am dying in myself
Put me back on the shelf

Aye, Home I Sea?

Tired… no; exhausted. Long drives and lots of work and problems with people…. aye, what a place this is to be brought back into. While it is a brand new home (and beautiful) it feels awkward and strange to be a part of it. But I’m so tired from living “balls to the wall” I need a break to relax. Why not. Rural fucking Idaho. With cops who are mostly ex-military and have a no-shit attitude since early summer when one of MPDs finest was shot. I was pulled over by that guy before, and he is one of the few to have given me a warning. ACID NIGHTMARE is in the works, I am conducting interviews and taking notes and finding facts. There is so much being ignored. POLICE BRUTALITY! Aye. Anyway, I am home and my body is tired and my mind won’t stop. Let’s hope the next few days slow me down. That’s all for now because I just had a flashback and spaced out. Goodnight.

Goodbye Goodnight City

Oct 28: Mettle Mouth

Everyone feels doubt and pain
We are all the same
Our lives can be turned upside down
Slanted and enchanted
But we are still all the same
Too be human is to be free
We are one in the same
No one here is to blame
We are all one
Floating on this giant rock
Floating through space
Earth, dirt, water
Blood, sweat and tears
Our metal and concrete oblivion
Paper and plastic culture
All of this just tumbling
Through space
Through nothingness
Just more stars and planets
And what are we?
Just the human race
All we have is what we are

Oct 30: Untitled

What a beautiful day
No clouds of black and white
No silver linings
Just clear skies
And a chill wind
What a day to be alive
Stuck inside
Packing away my memories
‘Cause my friends won’t wait
And then I’ll be stoned
On some bus
Scratching my head
When a girl sits close
And I can barely bare to look at here
And thats when it’s done
Yeah, now I wish it were done
‘Cause I got so much space
In this brain of mine at waste
And the quite scrapes all life from my bones
Am I fading into static now
Crowded head and a tiny room
Where am I going now?

Rainbow Glasses

You’re engine is overheating
All these desert roads
In the back of your mind
Best be time for leaving them behind
You’re out of coolant
You can’t stand to stay here any longer
You don’t have too
Just drive so fucking far away
Put on your rainbow glasses
All the colors and lights
Do you think this helps?
You’re running low on fuel
There are not enough drugs
There are not enough drugs
There are not enough drugs
To keep this ship at bay
Piss test the sailors
They are all too sober to enjoy this ride
We can’t keep up with them
Maybe we’ll fall down here by the wayside
And maybe things will change
But we just grow
Into a line of trees
Looks like home
A highway and government cleanup crew
Whatever happened to me and you
No more time for these games
So I think I’ll step outside
Yeah, I wan’t to breathe smoke
But this is just a joke
I can’t stand still here
I can’t let you go away dear
Keep your eyes straight
And fixed on the prize
And by the time you asked me why
I forgot
Darling I forget
There are not enough drugs
To keep you away from me
And there are not enough drugs
To keep me sane
Losing my sanity
You lost your edge long ago
A bitter broken knife
Dull and straight through my rib cage
Take it away
Please just take it away

Home?

Home’s not where your parents live
Unless it is
Maybe home is where your friends are
But only maybe if they all live in the same city
And maybe they do
But the road feels more like home
Restless nights waiting on the telephone
But it never rings
So I sit around with a book of matches
A barrel changing colors
As the heat within peels the paint
And all my memories and thoughts
Burning up in flames
But I am not free
I can not be a mindless slave
No matter how hard I try
I just gotta get home
I just gotta get somewhere
Home is what you make it
And it’s not inside your head
Let out all breathe
Close your eyes and try to forget

Hey, You’re Leaking There

Laying around on the floor
My tiny room filled up with boxzes
And there are records in a crate
A cd collection piled over there
And I am listening to some digital tunes
And all it does is remind me
That I am still awake
And I am still alive
And you are not here
You are not holding me
You are not wiping my eyes when they leak
And you don’t know what I do
And you don’t know what I think
You are your own person
And I admired from afar
Now its been to long
And you are gone
So take these pills
Thats what he said
So take these pills
One a day and you’ll be fine
But I am not in the green anymore
Now I am far in the red
And this divi ng board is flimsy
And I am filling with regret
My stomache is twisting
And my head is filled with knots
Oh my god, oh, my god
What have I done
With all this wasted time
And what have I done
With all this wasted talent
Well I know I didn’t win your heart
And I know this even though you don’t know who you are
And no I did not win the heart of another
No I am just a sad sappy motherfucker
Waiting on the sun
Waiting on the fall of the moon
Waiting for you to call
And come visit me too
days go by and I am muddled
Slip and fall in rusty puddles
When I was a kid I would have stomped around
Covered in dirty and water
But I can not grab ahold of the hand
Of anyones daughter
I just fill them with laughter
And they give there compassion to another man
And god, oh, god, it’s not me or him.

How it starts.

Someone Keeps Hitting the Restart Button (Parts 1 + 2) [October 24th 2007]

In one month it will be my 21st birthday.
In one week my parents will be here to move me.
In one hour I will be hungry.
In one minute I will be figity.
In two hours I will be anxious.
In two minutes I will change my mind.
In one second I will set you free.
Breathe.
One month ago I was having the time of my life.
One week ago I was growing up.
One hour ago I was walking in the rain.
One minute ago I was starting this poem.
Two hours ago I was never as tired as when I was waking up.
Two minutes ago I was frustrated.
One second ago I let go.
Let go.
Breathe.
One long hard year.
Just one in a line of infinity.
A cloudy day and face like stone.
Anxiety freezing to the bone.
Why care about the light?
We bend and bend.
Now break.
Breathe.
Let go.
Why should I care what month it is?
When you stare me down with all sorts of questions.
Well, I guess today is a good day.
Why remember why I was so sad before.
Time to forget about the drudgery.
Old dirty shoes.
Drink and drown with the windows wide open.
I can’t remember why I believed in time before.
It’s time to forget because we are as eternal as we chose.
Now, rejoice.
Let go.
Breathe.
Today is a good day.

Lost my mind, rambling on to find…

If you do not know the events of the last week, oct 16-18, your explanations will have to wait. Sorry.

All artmachine projects, all personal writing projects, including but not limited to the book I was in the process of writing, are all coming to a halt with no plans to resume until ’08.

I am moving back to Moscompton, I-Duh-no next week-end-ish. I guess. If you have any paying freelance writing and/or art jobs let me know. I have a beautiful Nikon if you need photography done. Um… sorry if this is confusing and sounds like some sort of cry for help. I guess it is just a little bit.

Right now I am working on a new book idea based on the events of the aforementioned time period, to be called Acid Nightmare. As well I am working on a new musical project, a concept album of the same vein tentatively titled “Acid Nightmare / Seasick Catalyst“.

So. Does anybody want to move to Costa Rica? Let’s doooooo it.

Otherwise… um, “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” is the funniest fucking show ever/ Ever. It wins. Nuff said.

Wish me luck (especially with the packing part thats the part I suck most at).

ego, go away?

Today is better than the last
When the sun came up
I was awake
And I saw the beauty
With no way of capturing
Well today is a good day
Because tomorrow I anticipate
But today is a good day
Watch the sun rise
And clouds cover
Rain fall down
Wake me
Shake me
Bring me to the ground
Today is a sugar cube
Tomorrow to be melting in your hand
Forgot about ego
And became free as a bird

sleep is the only love

The Hunger

I wake up and I don’t know
Where the dream ends
Drowning in concrete and water
It’s getting harder
Fill my thirst with water
But, oh god, how I hate the hunger
Take what you need
I’m apparently here to give
Throw the pictures out the window
Cut your finger on the door frame
Freeze because it’s colder than they told you
It’s much too long an elevator ride
So just stare out the window
As smoke rolls across the floor
I lost it all out the door
Out of cash and smoke
So I fall some more
Oh, god, I hate the hunger
I hate the hunger
And when I said it all right
I pressed delete
And with a face of fright
all our memories where gone like black in night

something

i will sleep until i can go home
and when i arrive i will sleep some more
after a few days i will call this my home
say i got to be heading back
so i can sleep in my own bed
even if i sleep more on the couch
i don’t know what i am doing anymore

la-la-la-love nothin’

Fall comes so suddenly
And you wake up
Feels like you’re still tumbling
Love this city
Hate this room
Chill comes on in
Smoking inside again
You don’t give a shit
Why go anywhere right now
Where has all the time gone
Smoking inside
Where has all the time gone
Burned out the inside of your mind
Go home
This is the last time
Life is long and hard
Stop saying you’ll stop if you won’t
Come home
Come home
Or stay in the city you love
Come here to the west coast
Forget about this
Forget about this

mojo, r&s

rhythm & soul

yeah, he’s got it right
look at his head bob
he’s got the rhythm
he’s got the soul
yeah, look at him walk
he’s got the gangsta walk
yeah, he’s got the rhythm and blues
yeah, cat’s all get the blues
but he’ll do alright
yeah, he’s got the rhythm and soul
he’s got the rhythm
he’s got the gangsta walk
he’s got the rhythm
he’s got the soul
he’s got the rhythm
he’s got the blues
but watch that gangsta walk
he knows what he’s got
he’s got the rhythm and soul
cat knows how to live
cat knows how to deal with the blues
watch this cat bob his head
walk down the road like he owns this party
yeah cat knows life is a party
he’s got the rhythm and soul
yeah, he got the rhythm and soul

life still drags along slow like death

whoa, the sun is shining
is this a sign or
should we just hide inside
oh, run for the hills
pack your suitcase now
soon this will b e hell
whoa, the sun doesn’t shine anymore
only when bombs blast out
perpetual twilight city of night
run for the hills
we’ll be safe here
not killed like our families
not lost like our sanity
we’ll start a brand new colony
and hope they don’t wipe us out
hope we don’t get wiped out someday

I now present to you a story by FCC

A story from the artmachine collective:

The Life Chaotic

or

How I Went Outsane and Came Back In Lightened

A Semi Auto Bio Graphical Fictionette by Frank Cubing Curance

 (In which you learn that nothing really matters. Except some things.)

 

Part One 

 

I am trying to understand how we got here. By “we” I mean the human race and by “here” I mean the current condition of the human condition. By and by and by… and these thoughts have nothing to do with what happened next.

I found myself on this foggy yet moon lit night wading through salty waters along the shore of what I believe was the west coast, but I may have been mistaken. The waves splashed up and hit our faces. And when I say we ad our, I do not know who they are, dig?

On the coastline where police, at least I imagined thats who they were, as I heard dogs that I imagined where police dogs (and if I was right I’m sure the grass in my rucksack is what got them after us in the first place). I am not sure how long we have been running, to tell the truth I honestly believed it was an entire lifetime… a lifetime of sleepless running.

I stopped to stare at the moon, as I was sure we had moved far enough into safety, the dogs sounded far off. The fog lifted and I turned to stare down the roaring beast, the ocean behind me. I was raised near here, and I knew knew knew that you never, ever, ever turn your back on the ocean. Well, stupid fucking me, the wave I saw (barely) was towering over me and thats when I blacked out.

I came to in a beautiful little hut made of cardboard and newspaper that had hand painted designs all over it. When I use the word beautiful, I mean in-as-much-as you stop to glance at a flower and you think, “pretty”, only I stared longer and realized that it was more like, “where the fuck am I?”

“Where the fuck am I?!” I pushed myself to vocalize. My tongue was dry and the morning breath was particularly salty and nasty. I was sore. “Is there anybody here? Hello?”

A woman aproached, she was wearing some kind of native headdress and her breasts where exposed. Though now I couldn’t tell you in all honesty if that is accurate, for all I know she could have been a stripper with a cat-in-the-hat hat.

She gave me raman and spoke in tongues. No, I take that back, she was just Canadian.

“Eh? You need yer rest thur mister, drink up this here soop and go back to sleep, eh?” (This is only my loose translation of her words)

I jumped up to realize I was naked except for a hula skirt made out thornbushes. I yelped in pain and ripped the thorns off, grabbing a dress I can only presume was the strippers, er… I mean native? Whatever, I got my ass out of that there hut and ran into the jungle (or alleyway depending on your point of view). Her dress smelled of papayas and pigion shit.

I came across a cave, or maybe a sewer drain, and I entered, as I had heard the natives coming behind me on the path. Once inside I could not see, but I kept walking, compulsively. Then I fell, and I blacked out once again.

To be continued….

Art School Girl

From a block away I saw a girl I knew from my dream school (or is it a school from my dreams…) and as I approached I remembered that earlier that day I had thought of her (and others from the school) and wondered whether or not I would ever see any of them again. And there she was… kind of funny how those things happen (and with my growing belief in collective conscious, I went as far as to wonder if she had the same thought today as well… or at least if I unconsciously chose to walk this way at this time because I knew I would come upon her path…). We bother presented eachother with smiles and asked how eachother where doing… she asked if I was on my way to class, and thus I had to fess up to the fact that I had dropped from school, to which she frowned slightly. I mumbled about many reasons and personal things and moved the subject to the fact that I was “job hunting” and the conversation dissipated from there and we said our goodbyes. As I walked away I wondered if I would see her again, and if I did if I would have anything to say, for she is like many of the people I meet; a world apart. Later as I was leaving Powell’s, I noticed in the corner of my eye that she was sipping coffee at a table facing the window I was passing, in the Green Room. I pretended not to notice. I don’t know why.

An article

I was introduced to this article through an e-mail list I am a part of and thought I would share it as I found it worth hearing, no matter who you are.

The article can be found here.

Dirty Old Church Mouth

I am not one who would normally get into a conversation about religion, not because I don’t have strong feelings or convictions about it, because I do, though I rarely feel like sharing my feelings on the subject for the fact that it can complicate and destroy friendships. Really, I do believe it can.

That being said, while logging into wordpress I opened this story, and now here I am about to go off on a rant. You’ve be well warned. (I just want to note that I enjoyed the above story, it was what I found on the website I found myself gazing upon soon after…)

i forgot about numbers

Men are digging up the flowers outside the lower terrace entrance to my building, leaving 2 feet of ugly turned up dirt between the walk and the grass. I am pretty sure my neighbors son is always trying to spy into my room, but I rarely catch him (though I have before, but I made it seem as though I didn’t see him, because I want to catch him again… I guess.)  I’ve smoked 15 Cigarettes in the last 12 hours (Yes I bought a pack at 2 in the morning), my eyes are slightly weary, I yawn occasionally, and by 5 o’clock I will have been awake for 24 hours (don’t ask). My nose is drippy and droopy, maybe a side affect of the  anti-drip nose spray (that says not to use after 3 days, and I have been using for…. oh… I’d say about a week, and thats gracious). The girls at Subway had accents and one even seemed to have a mustache, but I really tried not to stare. Though I do feel as though they robbed me of meat, my sandwhich was not meaty enough. But the ice tea was good. Goddammit, I am gonna catch that little brat starin’ over here sometime!

“Home”

At two am on Saturday, Sept 15th, I got in my car with a meager duffel bag of items and headed on “home” to Idaho. When I got there I told everyone I was leaving on the following Friday. Well, a lot can happen in a week, and I changed my mind several times and ended up coming home only yesterday evening. 12 days in Idaho, and I almost stayed longer. But, you know, I had that “over-staying your welcome” feeling so here I am back in Oregon.

I am back.

I Brood Rain Clouds

Break.
There is a rain cloud over head
Though if you look north west you will see blue skies
Somewhere far off where the sun will set
I am standing 13 stories high
Smoking a cigarette soaking wet
Stare upward
There is a gray abyss
Rain fall down
Is this my home?
Rain falls down
Soaking me soak the ground
High as I can be in the portland fall
Soaking wet so low
Rain come rain fall
Fall down.
Fall down.

There is a rain cloud over head
The rain stops so I decide to have a cigarette
I look at the blue skies in the distance
And the rain falls down on me
Wash me
And if I go
Will this cloud follow
And if I stay
Will I be washed away
In perpetual rain?

Oh, rain fall down
Is this my home?
Rain falls down
Soaking me
Bury me bury me bury me in the ground

I Am Not In Love

It’s true; You are not the one I love
No you are not the one I am thinking of
And it’s true; I can’t even look at you
And it’s true; You make my eyes turn grey from blue
No you’re not the one
No you’re not the one
No I am not in love
And it’s true; You lusted over me, and I over you
But darling you’ve got deep sunken eyes
And I’ve got a deep sunken mind
You are stuck in the gutter
Giving blowjobs to old men
No, I never knew you
No, I would not forget you
No, you are not the one I love
And you ain’t the one I am thinking of
Whe I am up late
Shake and bake and cringe until I sleep
Then wake, repeat
And it’s true, I don’t believe in you
No, I am not so sure what you are thinking of
But we both know you weren’t looking at me
And we both know you weren’t thinking of me
When you went home with him tonight

If you are smart then you will know who you are
But I am sure baby you will look onward oblivioulsy
And it’s not like you were listening anyway
But I had to, had to say, baby
You are not the one I love
No you’re not the one
No
No I am not in love
I am not in love
I am not in love with you
My eyes go grey from blue

Untitiled (Chillin’)

Pepsi in a wine glass and pizza cooked from a box
Taking it easy, gettin’ pretty soft
My mind is like mush and I…
…and I…
I forgot

Well what do you need to say
It’s a brand new day
And everything is still the same
Well it’s a shame
It’s a brand new day, yeah
It’s a brand new day
Drinking pepsi from a wine glass
Black fingers you’re unimpressed
Somebody dreaming and I guess… I guess.. I forgot

Well this model doesn’t come cheap
No, this baby isn’t stock
We’ll pilage and play and then we’ll eat the cake
Turning our minds to much
Like a baby girl discovering the world
And she… and she… she forgot

So I sit in my office
Or my tiny little room
Well it’s got view and
It’s got back yard made of plastic
8 stories above me
And I stand there on slippery railing like, like i, i forgot
And I slip and stumble like I, like I, like I forgot
I can’t fly
so baby girl wave goodbye

I, I am
I, I am
I am running, running
Running out of
Time.


Rain and Wrath

As the rain stops momentarily
I watch it spread it’s wrath across the rest of the city
Yeah, the rain spreads its wrath upon this city
…and to the Suburbs
All the way to Idaho and I don’t know
A city under wrath…
Rain in the city and suburbs
And I don’t know how far it’ll go
But the sun is shining behind me
Almost blinding
But soon setting
Leaving darkness and rain
Wrath for the city and it’s suburbs
Wrath upon the city and the suburbs

McF*ck-Over-the-Customer

As my insomnia raged to new heights this week (seriously, it feels like the longest week of my life), I found myself awake bright and early… and dearly hungry (I’ve been scraping by as far as eating… I don’t wanna buy more food!). So I traveled to the McDonald’s down Burnside. I’m not a huge fan of the breakfast menu, or this McDonald’s in particular either. But I always enjoy the breakfast burritos.

While waiting for my food I noticed a sign that said “NO LOITERING – 20 Minute time limit for food consumption – to be enforced by the manager…” and I have to say I was surprised they actually announce that. It used to be they filled the lobby with bright colors to psychologicly make people happy to be there, while staying agitated enough by the colors that they would leave afterwards, not loiter. I swear to god I red that in Fast Food Nation or something I think. I never read the whole book, which probably shows since I’m still eating at McD’s.

Anyway, I get my food and I’m like, fuck it I’m outta here and headed home. I got black coffee, and normally I like it black, but motherfucker, those bitches burned it. How fucking hard is it to make coffee? Not hard. I’ve never burned coffee… I just don’t know how they could sell that shit.

I got home and opened up my bag, well ready for my food (seriously I felt like I was starving man)… and I swear to god they make the burritos half the size they used to. That’s why they sell you two, because they really only equal one burrito. I’ll admit though, they didn’t taste bad.

Regardless, I plan on protesting that McDonald’s from now on.  They charge you for a cup of water! And SAUCES! Next thing you know it’s going to cost you 50 cents for napkins.

Fuck.

Ok my rant is over.

whatever

When I was a wee little kid and snot was drippin’ out my nose, my mother would hand me a kleenex or whatever was near that anyway, and say, “Blow your nose!” And I could never, ever blow hard enough.
Now that I am a “grown man”, I can blow my nose like there is no tomorrow and empty that sucker out. I have absolutely no idea why I decided to “blog” about something like this but I did. So there. Thats your true story of the day.

. . .

Today/Tonight

 

Caution, rocking out with a broken arm
Could be hazardous to your health
That Pepsi will rot your teeth
And those cigarettes will make it difficult to breathe
If the stars would come out tonight
I would sleep on the roof and stare
Ready to fall would you dare
Wouldn’t it be something
To see the city lights disappearing
And you feel like you couldn’t breathe
Yeah, fuck those doctors anyway
This place is too crowded
And I will break into a thousand pieces again
My life is a highway
And you are a wreck I did not cause
I saw the sun in my eyes
And when I looked back down
I could not see a thing
It’s so beautiful tonight
What a day to die
We can not live forever
And we never would choose to
But I will give a curse to you
Once I am done cursing about you
Because you deserve nothing more

i can do anything i want

A poem entitled,”Am I Dreaming Or Did Someone Maybe Slip Me Some Acid?”

Twilight Zone (34)

Wow, there were 21 visits today, way more than I’m used to. Only one comment… I just wish I knew who reads this? Sometimes I can’t even read my blog, why would you want to? Just kidding, keep enjoying it. Or hating it. Whatever it is you do.

Today my mind was somewhere else.

?

My Horoscope/Kick Ass

At first
It got me down
But the last line said
In the long run
whatever you accomplish today
will be enough
I thought to myself
Today could be
A kick~ass day
I smiled.

/

I laid back
In a chair on the roof
The wind came
The sun shown
I was happy
All alone
Weather is cooling
Time for sweatshirts
I smile.

Thirtythree

There are bloodstains on my shorts. I cut myself with an exacto knife, and I bled longer than the project I was working on took. It’s not that bad though, and now it’s fine. But, what a wierd day. I had the most terrible time getting to sleep that I have had in a long time, and the last two weeks have been very very insomniatic. If thaat ain’t a word, it is now bitches. Overall I feel a lot better today than last night, and especially this morning. Actually, when I did fall asleep I was listening to Sigur Ros’ CD Takk and I believe it caused some odd dreams that are fleeting at this point, but I remember dreaming and thats the first time in weeks.

Thirtytwo

I am tired of life, but I say that every day… I think. It’s hard to admit, but all the major events of my life are failures, faults, and problems I’ve caused. And it’s all spun into a web of depression after depression and right now I’m at one of those points where I don’t know what the point in anything is. I seriously don’t want to do anything right now… and rightfully so, seeing as it is three in the morning. But really, back to the point, I am now twice a college drop-out. I don’t know what I want from life, let alone what I want to do for the rest of my life. I need financial stability, but it seems my soul is at war with stability, it don’t like it. I do though, don’t get me wrong. I hate working, and I hate waking up all alone. I feel at home here, but I miss the home where my friends live and it’s tearing at me and it sucks. If I went back to Idaho right now, I would feel the same dispare I feel here, only my mom would be there trying to hug me and talk about it, which is alot more avoidable over the phone. I feel like recoiling when my mom hugs me, it makes me feel weak, it makes me feel like… a bad son, I guess. Depreession is a real battle though, and it’s been a long tough ride, but am at the point where I see that there is no universal point to life, except to do whatever makes you happy or some shit like that, which wouldn’t make a lot of sense really, cause no one is happy all the time and everyone has to deal with a lot of shit so how can you constantly be doing what makes you happy? You can’t, but it seems like it would be the best way to live… happy all the time. Maybe not. If there was no such thing as being sad, then happy would be normal… and if happy was normal, then it wouldn’t be an above average feeling. Maybe I haven’t felt it for so long that it seems like an above average anomolie anyway. I don’t know really, I am only rambling. It’s wierd living so far from all the people who care. I would love it if they lived here, that would make me happy. But they do not and I do and I have to keep going so someday I can meet someone who makes me even happier (I say happier cause I have to be happy before I can go on with life I do believe). God, I hate being lonely. It eats at your soul and destroys your dreams and cripples your mind and leads to insanity. At least that feels like whats down the road. I’m done for now, I am going to bed, please don’t wake me.

(the) Lost Month pt 1 of ?

I am driving down The Road. I have retreated to an island in my mind, where accidents happen to them, not me. After all, they deserve this, not I. Walls grow aroumd me Like being inside a lung that is breathing.

3 poems

A Healthy Dose of an Unhealthy Day (And Thats Fine)

Don’t you call me
Sweet jesus I’m sleeping
Life is so much different
When you spend it dreaming
And you can’t remember
Where were you last night
Oh, that’s fine
Everybody has a reason
We all need to escape
Because some day we will all die
Walking through the wasteland
We lost our lives to the lies
Fill me up I only require smoke
These human machines
I don’t know what they mean
But we dig dig dig our hole
And we toss dirt around
Fall to the ground
We’re not driving anymore
We’re flying
Don’t let me down.

A bee comes in through my window
And I think maybe this is a sign I should put the screens in
After all, all summer my windows have been open
Practically anyway, even once for four days while I was out of state
Now this bee, he landed on my arm
I wasn’t afraid, but there was a bit of panic
As I never have felt the stinging kiss of a bee
But he flew off into my room
And I forgot about him for a moment
Until I noticed that he is now buzzing around in a light fixture
A part of a lamp in the corner near the kitchen
I don’t know if he is stuck
Or if he really just likes it
But he’s still buzzing around in there
And if he leaves, I’m sure he’ll go out the window
Because I will not close it as it is warm in here
As long as he does not sting me
This bee is welcome to come buzz around in my lamp any night
And if I’m sleeping I hope he’ll be quiet

i was an artist (thirty-one)

I just got off the phone with my mother.

What Labor Day means to me (thirty)

Labor Day, ay, finally an excuse to sleep in for the ____ day in a row, and it’s legit.  Pressure and stress and everything in between can be put off one more day, for on Sunday morning (or your afternoon I guess) I did not realize that today would in fact be Labor Day. So here I am doing… what? Well, to my own pride I’ve crafted 8 poems (so far) today, but alas, all else I’ve done is listen to music, eat and play on my computer occasionally.

The two main elevators in my building are both out of service today, so only the freight elevator is working right now. I actually walked up the 8 floors to the roof in the stairway across from my room. No, I am not doing that again, and I sure hope they keep the freight elevator running tonight, (which they usually do not).

Yesterday Greg, Josh, and I, amongst a few others in the elevator, (which there was one of the two main working yesterday) we all saw an old lady trip and fall walking out of the elevator, and two of the elevators occupants helped her up and we all showed our concern, but the three of us agreed later that lady should be in an old folks home. Maybe Josh disagreed, I don’t really remember anyway.

I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but I have a feeling the coming week will bring me to another turning point in my life. Hopefully for the good.

I am currently planning to try to get to the roof with my cigarettes and maybe my Camera (it looks like it could possibly rain tonight and I would love love love that…. but then again I do see a lot of sun too… so maybe not).

Eight poems

I Am Sublime (For A Moment)

If you knew I was dying
Would you turn up the volume and rock out like I am now
Because if you could see through my eyes
You’d see me soaring through the sky’s
I’m consciously unconsciously preparing to die
And that’s the reason we subconscioulsy always want to fly
And if you could see the world the way I do
You would see there’s nothing more left to do
All you’ve got to live and die
So fly when your low, fly when you’re high, fly so high, get so high
If you knew I was enlightened, would it change you?
If you knew I was high, would it change you?
Because if you close your eyes
And you used to dream at night
Well all I see is black and I don’t remember that
I wake up as if I’ve been dead all night
Because I fly so low, I hit the ground
I fly so high I can’t breathe the oxygene
No more atmosphere
If you knew there was no god
Would you look within you?
If you knew I was dying
Would it change you?
If you knew I was lying
What would I mean to you?
No, don’t touch me now.

Sunday Same Day

August ends
September again
A christmas ornament
Haphazardly placed
Falls to the ground, breaks
Pieces of glass on the carpet
Leaving one reminder
Of a relationship that did not last
I feel as if I fall
I’d break into a million pieces, like glass
But I know I am ok
As long as I continue to live
And learn

A Plea From Within…

I think about what’s brought me here
All the things I’ve done
Promises where made and lies unintentionlly shaped
After all I  am the same
I can not change
So I apologize for the confusion
I am a lonely tired person
I just wanted to change my life
But the changes need to start inside
And I’m not ready
Now it’s wither and hide
Someday you will have to decide
Wether to live or die
And someday you will have to try
To burn bridges and throw away your pride
You can only get so low
So skip the trip please don’t go

(the rest after the jump)

twenty nine

What is a dream? Can a career be a dream? Can there be a dream career? Am I just intimidated, paranoid, or afraid of failure? I don’t know if I could be a famous artist. I’ve lost a lifetimes worth of inspiration and I haven’t lived a lifetime yet. Can you have your life sucked away at the age of 20 and still follow dreams? I don’t know what I want anymore out of life. I want to live every day happy, but I am not there yet. No, not without medication. I need to look for a job, I need to figure out school… but all I’ve figured out is that I don’t think I can do it. fuck. Life shouldn’t be this much of a struggle. Getting out of bed shouldn’t be the hardest part of the day. Following a lifelong dream should be easy. Reaching a goal you’ve promised to reach should be gratifing enough to at least reach as far as possible towards the goal. But now I’m finding it’s just life I want to be good at. Maybe thats all there is to it?

(you should listen to manchester orchestra)

You Broke This House, I Am Not Home, I Will Not Move

Darling, won’t you take out the trash
I know broken pieces of my heart
Are strewn throughout the black bags
And when you don’t come back
I know you’ve gone out again
I know you’ll party with the boys
And when you come home
I’m waiting in bed
With those rugburns on your knees
I know where you’ve been
I turn my face away
You smell like alcohol
And when you look at me
I will die just a little more
Until I stand up
I can hardly breathe
And I don’t care to see what’s in front of me
Waste those days and forgot those nights too
Where have you been?
After breakfast I drive you to class in the rain
I don’t know what else to do with my days
And I walk five thousand miles to get away
But you’ve infested my brain
You’re like an alien with malicious intent
A parasite sucking the life out of me
Where have you been?
Oh, god, where have you been?
You’re just a stepping stool
A rag for them to wipe on
You’re just a dirty bitch
You don’t care who’s watching
You left the light on
And I have taken drastic steps
I have rubbed my skin raw with erasures
But these scars are still here
And the words you said still ring in my ears
And I cling to dirty sheets and dirty blankets
I know we’ve all got a lot of dirty secrets
But how far do we go to hide?
Well, our mothers and fathers say they have the answers
But we both know there are no answers to be found
And I died more when I knew you
Than I’ve lived in the years that now begin to pass
It was a long weekend
Long night after another long night
And I got coked out and felt my life fly so low
But I fly so high
Every day I fly, I fly so high
You can’t touch me now
And when you ask where have I been?
I will probably ignore you more than anything
Because I can’t look in your eyes without wanting to go blind
You were everything once but now I’ve left that behind
You ruined my life once and I won’t live it again
I want to spend the rest of my life feeling alive
And all I do around you is die
And all I’ve done since is fly so high
Die at one hundred times the speed of light

poem(?)

Steambox Bathroom Champions

 

88 Kids ran away today
Oh what a waste
We should have all headed warning
Before the fire in our hearts
Set this city on fire
Yes we set the city on fire
And we sit in our little rooms
And we self medicate
And we’re worthless
Damn worthless
This better be worth some thing
This better be worth my time
We don’t want to give up our lives
No wasting our precious little time
You propose a crime
You’d better not waste my time
Cause we all have the right to run
Run away from this life
Because it’s better to be someone
Than to waste away here
We’d waste away to nothing
So march on into the sunset
Turn your back on here
We’ll laugh about this in a few years

“we live in an age of rootless alienated people”

You may have noticed a political slant in recent postings. Having my opinions on the problems out there isn’t worth much to me, and especially not to most anyone else, so I have been posting links to stories, articles, movies and other media out there set on putting out the truth and bringing America back to Freedom. Please take the time to learn about your Government and what it does behind our turned backs.

For anyone who does not know or who wonders, here is some information on the word Anomie:

an·o·mie or an·o·my play_w(“A0321000″)

 (n-m)

n.

1. Social instability caused by erosion of standards and values.

2. Alienation and purposelessness experienced by a person or a class as a result of a lack of standards, values, or ideals: “We must now brace ourselves for disquisitions on peer pressure, adolescent anomie and rage” Charles Krauthammer.

 

 

Adj.

1.

anomic – socially disoriented; “anomic loners musing over their fate”; “we live in an age of rootless alienated people” alienated, disoriented unoriented – not having position or goal definitely set or ascertained; “engaged in unoriented study”; “unoriented until she looked at the map”

provided by TheFreeDictionary (Google it foo’)

it can’t happen here via martial law

Twenty Eight

…a need for change.

I looked into the mirror and noticed my growing hair, and for a moment my face, my sunken, tired eyes, I was reminded of Zach Braffs gravedigger friend in Garden State. That was a wierd thought.

I watched half of That Seventy’s Show Season 1 on DVD last night instead of sleeping, and I’m sure the insomnia will drive me to finish the other two discs (for the millionth time I might add). But after my mirror experience a moment or two ago I think I may watch Garden State. Haven’t seen it in a while.

I updated the blog’s look, name and some things and stuff… um… oh yeah, I’m working on a story… still. Look for new stuff soon.

I, Acorn

I am an acorn
I live in Irving Park
(They say don’t come here after dark)
I live in a tree
This is where I was born
Days go by
But I do not know my age
And the tree that gives me life
Is much much older than I
And on this particular day
As the sun began to set
I realized I was losing my grip
Maybe on reality
Though at this point in time
I do not know what that means to me
And before I was done with these thoughts
I had fallen and bounced on the concrette
Then I came down again and rolled next to a cigarette
It had been tossed there by the people who had been below me
And now they where towering above me
I thought to worry of a squirell looking for dinner
And not until I was dying did I realize
I was stepped on
This human picked me up
And as I saw the end of my time
He ripped apart my shell
Opened up my insides
And he did not eat me
He looked disgusted and threw my guts aside
This is the day that I, Acorn, died.

“You Can’t Be Lost If You’ve Been Found,” “…But I Found You.”

Wake up to the sound of work and drills
Smoked a cigarette while some chick sunbathes
The sun is beating down with it’s rays
All the makings for a good day
But maybe I’m too far gone to be saved
Cigarettes all the way down to the butt
Go downstairs and trim my beard
It’s grettin’ scraggly and pube like
Turn the record over and change my shirt
It’s covered in hairs and my teeth hurt
So I take a handful of pills
Load the bowl and shoot down daydreams
I should move on outside
I’m not healthy anymore in my little room
Need sunlight need healthy food
Need to fix my life before I fail school
Well, it’s sure looking to be a pretty damn good day
So I will waive my middle fingers up in the air
Yelling, hey~hey~hey
I feel near damn enlightened
And it came after a lof of fright and drinking
But I know now, life doesn’t get much better than this
I know now, the best part of life is living
So waive your hands in the air
Only if you really don’t care
Let’s start a revolution
It’s time we do some pushin’ and shovin’
Wake up, hey, hey-hey
…wake up Ameri-hey-hey-hey (we’re fucked)

“Look Ma, We’re Maturing,”

The turth hurts is what I’ve heard
And it’s been said the truth will set you free
Well this must mean that the truth hurts those in the way of you being free
The men behind the curtain don’t give a damn about you and me
I’ve tried to share my mind with some of you from time to time
And I know some of you know the truth
And I know some of you can never be changed
It’s just too far into your life for you to make a transformation
And something inside of me makes me feel like I should be ashamed
I’m sorry mom and dad
But the truth is out there and you knew I’d never be the same
I will try to right every wrong that I can
You’ve got to understand I’m doing my best but I am only a man
I will try to right every wrong
I will try to right every wrong that I can

Walk to the elevator
Lift to the roof
Smoke cigarettes
Watch the city beneath
Aw, fuck it all
Aw, fuck, I lost
I’m losing the race
So can I get a glimpse
You hide your face
And just like history has shown me
I am not the best one
Usually I’m second to the next one
What words do we need to speak
It’s not you it’s me
Aw, fuck, how can we believe
Shadows and silohettes
Closer to home than ever before
Or at least in the last five years
If it’s something we can grasp
Well, think, think again
Maybe it’s a cycle
You think while you’re starving
The same girl every single time
In a new body with a different mind
But you can’t figure it out
Like you’re running out of time
Why no reconciliation?
We’re in this together
Aw, we’re fucked
At least we’re losing the race together
Am I just a stepping board
For you to climb on?
Push yourself in
This pool is swimming
Throw your life in
Up late not enough
Sober at least I tried
I can’t decide
What life is for
I am a stepping board
I’ll give you a boost
I do so all the time
Out of sight out of mind
Until I am reminded
All the light and all the love
At least we shared our minds
And maybe that’s enough
Throw your life in
This pool is big for drowning
I can’t say everything I want
And you don’t want to hear what I’ve got
So I will run around
Like my head has been cut off
Need more drugs
Need light and heat
So we can survive a bit longer
Need food because we are mortal
Aw, fuck, we’ve lost it all
We’ve lost our way
There is no turning back
I guess this will have to be home
Throw your mind in

http://www.loyalnine.com

http://www.realnightmare.org/

life continues

I went away to Idaho to visit my family and friends, and my friends who are like family, and what not and such and such. Anyway, it’s inspired the start of a project I have been wanting to work on for ever and ever now, the commencement of the writing of a novel. Well, at least I have enough now for a chapter… or at least the first story I’ve written since High School ( I believe ). There will be heavy editing afoot, but if you would like to read and give feedback that would be amazingly awesomely good  and I’d be delighted to send it along your way.

In irrelevantly unrelated news I heard theres a solar eclipse tonight at 2:52 am, so if your up for it, or an insomniac like me, we may be staring at the same phenominal event in the sky at the same time.

They must find it difficult…
Those who have taken authority as the truth,
rather than truth as the authority.”

– Gerald Massey

 

-please read the following (especially if you were interested in the previous post)

 

 

 

Warning

 

 

Of Political Importance

 

 

 

 

NOBLE RESOLVE 07-2

Portlanders, Americans, You should read this.

The Day After…

Noble Resolve 07-2

9/11 Again?
More

The doctor says in one month my bone will be strong again
And in two months my arm will be back to normal
Can’t push, can’t pull,  no pressure
Frustration overwhelms and I want to yell and yell
So I leave the building
Did not schedule another follow up appointment
It’s a waste of money! I furiously told my mother
He just keeps telling me it’s getting better
And that it’s going to take more time than I can stand
This leads to conversation
It’s not my money
But it’s still a waste!
As I walk down the sidewalk
The rain continues to fall
And as I soak it in
As my glasses become bespeckled with rain drops
I am reminded of how much I love the smell of rain
And even if I didn’t sleep much last night
Or the night before, or before that too
The rain will calm me like a newborn
Calm, but that don’t mean happy
I am far from being renewed
I love the Oregon scene
Even when the rain comes in amounts obscene
This is why I own sweaters and hoodies
Soak it all in and maybe it will take me down
Drown me in the street
Wash away and down through the grates
Hopefully I’ll be home or to the coast by the time I wake
But I know this is all just a hodge podge of fact and fiction
A needy kid sitting alone in his lonely home
The lies are quiet and the truth is deafening
Maybe I’ve been bad
And I’ve wanted to come home
But mom I love this place
And I don’t want to cause more harm

I lost another poem again
Due to computer crashing
Oh, well, I guess
I only remember a line
About PBR and vicoden
And I remember at the time
I thought it may have been the best I’d written
At least since moving to Oregon
But today I wake to find
I forgot to save my work
And it’s gone
And now it marijuana and vicoden
Music stuck in my head
Siffocating me slowly
Don’t know what to feel anymore
So I’ll go stand on the roof
It looks like it might rain
Time for a cigarette
But I just wanted to share my dissapointment
In computers that crash without permission

twenty seven

I don’t want to be your target, but I’m half drunk, lathargic, sky high, red eyed and mind blown. Well, maybe I need a cup of coffee. So just do what you want, we all will, we just got to live. It’s all we know. Now passing one a.m. and you’re all sorrows, step out and breathe. Where are we, they ask, look for where the poisen is, we live the best we know how, so go home,get into the clouds and tuck yourself in, it’s time to live life in dream land again, the weekend is heaven in the city of roses, swallow yourself in a haze, you won’t be noticed anyway. Maybe you should try to get yourself clean, but all we’ll want to do is just scream. Well, hey I just want to say, I like it when you wear your hair that way, and it’s always hard for me to get to the point so I’ll spare us all the shame, keep my eyes closed and say nothing, cause I never know what I’m really feeling, in case you were wondering, I don’t know who I am, and I’m not sure what love is, if it’s really anything at all, so I’m sorry, we’ll see what happens after the fall. My stomache drops, twists and turns, I want to curl up, I want to breath smoke, exhale and expire, if only for a while. Somedays you don’t want to take the long way home, it’s cold and bitter on the sidewalk, the wind was cold that night, and I sat by my window, killing my sight, waiting for sound, waiting for something, coughing, doing nothing. Maybe that where it became the end of a night, the last hoorah, oh well, farewell.

twenty six

Steve is writing a book. ——- is making a noise album. Steve has no prodigy. ——- is an only child. Steve is full of life. ——- is a meloncholy man, creating his own misery.

Well, Steve says to roll a fattie and watch that movie, I’d rather read a book but I find myself staring at the screen. Who is who and whoa is me. And, oh, why the whoa? Well, I’ve just been told I am the biggest insomniac in the building, staying up later and later into the morning, but the whoa is in this, I think I finally know what my problem is, I just want to live. I don’t like work, I don’t like being held up, I like freedom, and I just want to be free, and to be free to live. Aw, fuck.

“Every day is sad and lonely and every night is sad and blue…” – Billy Bragg

…and as the muscle got tight, and the tendons stretched and the swelling persisted, I stared out the window, with a cold breeze coming through, sad, lonely ad confused, wondering what happened to you, and you, and you…

Maybe I will lay face down into my pillow and melt, maybe I will stay there all day, let it waste away like me, and maybe if I am lucky time will forget me and you would to, but that’s not going to happen, so I’m not sure what else to do…

There was a moment, maybe something like desperation, where I just wanted to get in on the action. Well, here I am, still on the bench, but when you call, it’s closer than a kiss. But Thursday I will drift away, because I have finally lost my mind, it woke with the dawn and left me sleeping, oh, you’re gone.

Maybe I want to be noticed, but mostly I just want not to be missed.

Pressure…

I’ve been tired, stopped listening long ago, my minds so far gone, and I’m ready to go there to… somewhere between hyperventilating and crying, breaking down the breakdown, lost all the time, singing sad songns, I can’t hide away…. sleeping alone, no home that I own, I don’t even pay rent, where am I going? Alone again, and I want to come home,e but this is as close as it gets, I’ve no desire for wheatfields, this is where I wan’t to live, but I’ve been so bad, from the moment I was born, I’ve been hiding lies, but I’m breaking apart at the seam and I wan’t to come home.

a peak at a project in the making

Lost In Translation

Sometimes I feel lost
And you know how it is
When you don’t know what to say
So just stop
Because we all get lost
I love life and so do you
But we’re both not very good at it
Sometimes we need to just relax

static

Thought Waves

Sometimes I wonder
If you can hear my thoughts
As I say dirrty things inside my skull
Dirty thoughts just trying to get out
But who are you
Just another passenger
Maybe we’ve got some things in common
Am I alone now?
Am I home now?

noise

White Light

Somebody needs to save this man…

(Pumping hearts, thoughts, noises)
…and in that moment, a white light shown
A tunnel before my eyes
And I did not see god there
But now I float on in serenity

(noise)
I haven’t figured out if they’ve brought me back, or if I died…

…voices of ghosts, electric whales (and maybe god)…

Maybe we could work this out
She said, no we can’t
And I said why can’t we even be friends
And she said, we just can’t
Ann Accident, Ann Accident

‘So did you hear about the guy trying to steal the moon?’

Portland

I love to walk down the street
See what I can see
My friends love the entertainment
‘Cause here it’s all free
Just walk down to downtown and you’ll see
Walk by the orgy statue and you’ll see
Get lost in Powells and you’ll see
Ride the max and you will see
And maybe you will see me
Maybe if you can ever find me

(15 minutes of noise)

Bonus:

Scarlett

I know you don’t know
so you’ll walk away
But I’ve been in love
Ever since I looked at the screen
Salmon and green
Lost in the screen
I don’t ever feel better
Than when I dream we’re together
And I felt the same as you
I could see it in your face and eyes
Lost somewhere between space and mind
Do you recall the tears in my eyes
Well, it was just allergies
Sorry to make you leave
But you lead me on
But oh, this is something like love

Open Window Neighbors

There’s this girl who lives on the fourth floor
And when I am myself, an insomniac
I look out and down I see
She sleeps with the light on
Everynight asleep with the light on
How the fuck can she sleep like that?
I turn my lights off
And every day
Adjacent to me
I can look into a room
Furnished but seemingly empty
And every night
Sometime after ten
A man comes home
Maybe from work
Turns on the lights
And within hour closes the curtains
I think he knows I sometimes wonder
Find myself looking in

Habits/Addictions

Wake up
Stale breath
Roll out of bed
Sore bones
And tired eyes
Sometimes I forget
Stumble through the hall
Too the roof to smoke a cigarette
Ready for the day to begin
Well my now that my feet are back on the ground
I’m finding that it’s sinking
My feet are with the fishes
And my head is in the clouds
Need to inhale, forget to exhale
It’s ok, where I’m going I don’t need to breathe
Cause we’re always waiting for the end of the world
But if you knew it was nigh
Would you warn everyone
Or run and hide
Well maybe I’ll just live until I die

Program’s Not Responding

Age of instant gratification
Page isn’t loading
Just want to look at pictures
And type away with friends
But the program will not respond
I’m daydreaming now
Forget about the digital
Get minimal

Game Over

Honking and hollerin’
Car alarm
And somebody shouts
“Fuck off”
I hear a scream
Probably of joy
Well, the game is over
Who won?
The game is over
And this town is loud as hell
Could you please keep the noise down?
I’m not sure if it even bothers me
Well, most the noises
Not quite everything
Turn off the fucking car alarm please…
…and soon another goes off

Black Fingers

Go for a long drive out in the country
Speed along a freeway
God, I love this city
Traffic’s not so bad
Except when the sun blinds your eyes
Traffics not so bad
But, God, parking was hard to find
Spent fifteen minutes trying
But now I am home
And my fingers are turning black
But it’s ok
‘Cause now I can relax

Untitled (Sorry Song) [I don't know if this will be used...]

Broke my fathers back
Sorry dad
I didn’t mean to be like that
Broke my mothers heart
Sorry mom
But I didn’t feel I was wrong
This is an explanation
Not of what wen’t wrong
Nothing has even happened yet
But I feel I should apologize
Because it’s been so long
Now I’m ready to go driving home
To the places I have known
To the places I have grown
So much has changed
So many years
And you were the best parents
That I could have
And I’m sorry mom and dad
For not being what you expected me to be
But I know you understand
I just got to be me

Karma + Ghosts

My arm bends and tightens
Muscles at work again
Now I can re-write my life again…
A boy fly’s through the trees
He is missing an arm
He has no lungs to breathe
Life at one thousand miles per second
Pain on the impact
Lie, lie awake, lie, lie away
Floating is easy
When you can’t ever wake up
My eyes they itch
And sometimes bleed
But my heart just sits quietly
In a black shoebox
Pieces of a life now lost
Float to the sky
On makeshift wings
Made out of misery
Made out of I’m sorries
Fly back to the west
Lie down and sleep like the rest

eb & flo

The Piano Woman

Out my window
I can hear
The piano woman
Playin’ her piano
On the penthouse floor
Seven stories above me
Feels like forever
And as I walk up the stairs
To see the world
From the rooftop
I can hear
The piano woman
Playin’ her piano
On the penthouse floor
Like she does every day

Day of the Living Dread

It rained
And it rained
And the clouds blew away
For a moment
At least so far
That is the weather today
Now the sun shines through
It could happen to me
It could happen to you
The rain will come
And the sun will shine on you
But it’s your choice next
What to do
This day ain’t over
But I don’t care too much for it
And I’m not ready for tomorrow either
I can type once again
But it ain’t all right, alright
And the cloud cover moves around
Covering you wherever you are in town
But someday the sun will shine on you
Break to pieces
Oh rain, calcium

(let all my memories be gone)

Sleep is my masturbation
A guilty plessure
Please don’t wake me
Tugging thoughts
Pain from broken arm
There is laundry to be done
Bukowski to be read
A bit of tea
And a newspaper by my bed
And It’s about time again
When I start wondering
About wether or not
I need medication
And wether or not
The great facade is over
Like torn lovers
My mind and my heart
Fighting through turmoil
I want to do it all
But I can’t manage to get anything done
I am the bad, the only son
Flying off to a new world
Where I get brought back to reality
With a crack and a scrape
My dreams are erased

The Night I Met Harry Potter

I ask a kid for a light
He’s smokin’ a Marlb Red
Chances are high
Street men singin’ bout the devil
And this kid’s wearing a cape
Riding a bike with a can of V8
Well, I walk away
Wait for the tram
Harry Potter’s got meager leather shoes
And his fly is undone
Somethin’s written in Sharpie on his arm
Ask’s me what happened
Tell him how I broke my radial
And then Harry Potter listened to his iPod
As I stared out the window
On the Max ride home

Laptop falls out of the window
sill, my stomache is sickly, hello
and goodbye, a shadow i
don’t see, no it wasn’t
me, an she said, she said
Raleigh you need to
eat, sausage and a pancake
on a stick, find myself talking
to the microwave, sip, sip
blue gatorade, my back aches
but in my broken
arm, i don’t feel too much
pain, maybe it should have been
said, Raleigh, go to bed.

25: cut & paste left handed methodology

I broke my arm…
fell off my skateboard
i got up and walked  back to my building  and cleaned my scrapes ad then realized i broke something (if you ever have broken a bone its an undeiable feeling ) so i called my mom and was like yeah im pretty sure i broke something
but yeah its my drawing hand
not a fun day
ad im not even i a cast yet just a splint and hydros and it may be 3 months before my arm is back to normal
the pains been pretty much the same the whole way through except now in a splint i cant move it in more painfull directions
how many people do youkow who just jump up after breaking a bone and chill around thier apartment building for over an hour before seeking professional help? im a tough mother fucker   and that makes me feel better a bit
the guard here at the building decided that “chip” shoould be my nicknamr, which reminds me i dont thik i mentioed what exactly i did…
i fractured the Radial bone, it goes from your wrist to your elbow and kinda wraps around, and i chipped some bone near the elbow
they gave me a sling but it seems like more of a hastle thaan anything

24

Getting higher annd higher all the time, everyone’s got thier herion, everybody’s found thier way to fly, stay cool, calm and high, generation: soma. Live fast, live long, stay high. Everyone’s got thier story, and ain’t nobdy listening. Death from above the west hills, poppin’ pills, package at your front door, under the table, over the table, and a little bit more, oh, well, let’s just fly to the desert so we can get warm, and then hide in apartments, until this suits been worn. You gotta walk, don’t forget your headpphones, see the skies, clouds spread out and the thin air is getting closer, the smoking is getting to you, your lungs, have found some kind of boundries, you’ve passed, and you never thought, well, just tie your shoes, grab a max, and sneeze to the side, walk away from this trainwreck, a living, walking dream, and nobody sees. Concentrate, concentrate, night school, knight school, night at knight school… ghosts walk the halls, how do you, how do you do… I can’t feel anything, walk right through me, did you hear her scream, I don’t feel anything, anything. Well, now, who is going to take you home, parties over, gotta start over, a new week, four leaf clover, but I lost the number, oh, how the hell will I ever make it home, where is home anyway? Hear the waves, mass appeal, lgith fades away, another day saved, another life gone, ghost in the wind, salt water in your mouth, can you feel again?

twenty two-three

XXII

Life won’t always be what you expect it too, a nd if you expect it, fools on you. Your head hurts, like a trigger pulled, you wish I’d went away. Eveyone congregate, we’ll have make-shift families, hey I know you and you know me, might as well be.

whatiwantwhathewantswhatshewantswhatiwantwhatyouwantwhat

XXIII

Living alone in the big city, a new experience, allows you to experience the highest highs and the lowest lows, all alone. It’s like emotions in stereo. Intangible thoughts on a big screen. Free bottomless buckets of guilt. In a dream a girl hit on me, cheated on her boyfriend, she didn’t know why they were together more and I was there and easy to, ahem… grab. It was only a dream, but what if she was having the same dream… or maybe he was? Paranoia xan be a harsh misstress, but we ignore her often. Just living here is one of the hardest tasks life throws anyone. Living life. Everybody wants to run away some time, but you can’t run away from life, an dyour life is controlled be the things you must do to stay alive. It’s time for another cigarette…. (don’t sweep it all under the rug).
Four kids I’ve never seen before on the roof. I say kids because none of them looked old enough to rent an apartment, not because they were punky kids who looked young, which they were I guess. Anyway, I sat and puffed away at my cigarette and I hopped in the elevator feeling good, feeling far from low. And the elevtor stops on floor 8. A longer ride down. Time seems slowed down. I don’t know what to do next. And what am I supposed to feel when the newsman tells me the dollar is worth less than it’s been in decades, what should I do about inflation? And Government debt? Well, why the hell are we here…

twenty one

Simple is as simpple does, what I was and who I am, a wasted fuck, tell me what you want. Hey, maybe I’m not lost, I’m not lost…. I”ve been named, The King of Strange, it’s not my friends, but it may be what they want, whatever makes me try, make me try. Hey, baby what you want? Vampires in the light, in the ligt? Well I been crowned the King of Lame, not really, but I feel strange when they look at me, baby what they see? Vampires walk in the day, someday I knew it’d change. So lets hit the sky, we can fly, we’ll sure try, now not so scared of the night; bats take flight, say good night, goodnight, fly away.
My eyes are lead balls, ready to fall out of my head; eye lids like iron curtains. Wish I was sleeping, my mind is slipping, I am leaking, oh, tired eyes. Hungry like your mother, mother eartch, and she’s a whore, but did we rape her first?Wait for the worse, got a heavy, heavy thirst. Can you please increase the lead, I’m not heavy enough to take your shame, wrap it on the wall, waitn’ to wake up; call. It’s what it’s likem yah, thats my life, and she said to me, she asaid hey your shoes stick. Well not to me, so I tie a rope to the floor to see if I can get down from the cieling, how should one? And I in this space, I hope it’s not a waste; hey wait a minute, my minnds a-melting?

My eyes can only see now, and they feel like hiding behind that iron curtain… ’bout half an hour and I’ll be home, with a brand new pack of smokes, write the notes, read the sketches, hook line and sinker, what a stench, and my, my, what a mess… where is your head? My eyes my, my, cemmented in rubber and bleeding nerves, oh fuck.

This was a dream, and not just like day dreaming of everyday, the uncontrollable, deep sleep dreaming. A girl I knew was there, she was handing out waivers to people for a sort of small get together she was having with close friends. I don’t know why I was invited, but she started hitting on me and I decided to go…. and I don’t think I can even say the rest right, but I remember  being in a town and everyonen called it Moscow, but it wasn’t the Moscow I knew, and there were abandoned buildings that we sat in and watched the sunsets, and we car hopped and rode around town, and when the night was moving on and we were going to the party, well right before I found out why I had to sign a waiver, I woke up. Fuck.

twenty +

Unplug the Nintendo to turn back on the lamp, to give you light, so you can finish your work tonight, and write. You’ve gotta come back today, you gotta, you gotta… reality is calling you back today. And I lost the letter D, is it on the floor, or is hiding on a magazine or in a newspaper, or in the trash, certainly not in a book… and what will we do with all the black? Paint our windows and our eyelids, our hearts our bed sheets our covers, our mothers and daughters, all in all; ash.

…and I wonder as I step outside for a break, who stops to empty the ashtrays, every day?

Too much caffeine, your stomachs got you on your side, car rolls by pretty slow, thinkin’ about another smoke. Got a job to do, should maybe eat some food, and wake up early on today. Rubber cementin’ my hands, ca you see what I’ve done? Can you see at all? Car drives in circles waiting to park or stall, lights off life ain’t so bad. Markers and razor blades, a cutting table, your cut from the stage, a balloon like an idle deflates, sure some time it’s gonna rain.
My, my what a mess, what a beautiful display of our black hearts, our procession of dark art, a home wrecking, eyes sunk real low, hearts sunk in oil, a horizon, natures tired eyes, well disguised, may we dance? Positive and negative, positive and negative, a harsh mistress, where are your poles? Where do we go?

Oh summer night, stealing me away from my life, night after night, years going on more, and how much caffeine and music screams will it take to break me, bursting like a balloon, out until I need to wake up. Well, I got a solution when the sun rises and I must arise at t he same time. And it involves many cigarettes on my journey to the pearl.

Oh, I’ve got a true story for ya, a short one, but true none the less. I was walking home and I noticed a giant spool sitting perfectly in the westbound lane of Salmon St. Only moments after I noticed, so had a cop. And before ya knew it there were 3 cops standing around the spool, which was ow on the sidewalk (though the patrol cars were now blocking more of the road than the stool was in the first place). So theres three confused cops and one amused bystander who saw the whole thing. Though, you gotta wonder, where did that spool come from?

15 (1) 16 (2) 17 (3) 18 (4) 19 (5) + more

1. The taste of clove still in my mouth, reminds me of drunken christmas parties in my first apartment. Friends of friends and friends of old and we all just mingle like it doesn’t matter how close we’ve ever been before. It’s just c ool to know you, you know? Homework is a grey cloud down pouring all over you. Eyes get heavy, love, love, love sleep. What is there to say today? Fun comes at a price? Fuck that.
2. My, my, my… my mind is mush, but you, you’re a lush, and this is a dream, or so it would seem as I don’t see you anymore. Hold on to that hope you had, but there will be no final touch, I will turn my head and my eyes will close,walk away, say the first few words that pop into my head, let me off this ride, I’m tired and sore and should probably just go home. And you whispered to me something about being free, adn I said to myself something about a flame, well, we’re sitting in the dark, maybe somewhere in the back of my mind. Again I say I gotta go, but you’re mind keeps mine in a lock or hold, pushing the snooze on the alarm, for miles of yawns. Anf I say, I gotta go, time to wake up, ’cause I know where you’ve been and where you’ll go, and you said the same in some sort of code and I forgot to listen the more than you spoke, because I am long gone, borders and boundries we’d break, and I pass them alone, to sleep in an apartment I don’t pay for, getting lost all the time, singing sad songs to keep me awake, baby, I’m long gone, sleeping alone, with friends I hardly know, all these things I don’t really own, closing the door, leaving you in the room, I gotta go, you’re long gone, I’ve got to wake up, it won’t be soon before long
3. Hours spent pissing away, I do.. but I don’t wanna come home. It’s been a long few weeks, it gets hard to breathe, but I don’t often wish that I had died… spend all night filling the ashtray, because home is a highway and I don’t drive anymore. Life is a freeway, you get to caught up in your freedom and you’ll miss your exit, get lost, get down, get out. You’ll never be the same, your home will never be again, well, we’ll fill the ashtray, try to build a new life.
4. Your head is swelling, dear, I say. Your mind is float-float-floatin’ away, oh, lordy lordy, as the ugly cassanova would say, stars don’t give a flyin’ fuck. So we stair, and I think you were thinking too much, I think I was breathing too much, oxygen, atmosphere, thin air, and I could see you there, your head a’swellin’ and my mouth shut tight to keep out the oxygen, wel, well, well what would one say? This can’t be a real live scene, but this ain’t no dream, no. You called me a bastard, and you had sayed that I had changed, but talkin’ on the phone you sounded so full, your head still swellin’ to an orbit, who would put one through this over the phone, but I was bumped up, and life was good, because I actually felt better without you for once. Aw, fuck, stare at the stars, aw fuck, stars don’t give a flyin’ fuck. How the hell’d we get here? How… the hell’d we get here?There is this form of ADHD I believe exists, that effects artists; if you’re not passionate enough about what your working on, it may not ever get completely done, and that, that could be the death of me…. and who knows how literally that could be. Fuck.

   You can’t stop harmony, once that it’s started.

5. Here is a place, it’s been said, you can do anything here that will make your parents feel as though they failed miserably in raising you. If you want t o listen up I may just tell you a secret. Heaven’s unreachable when you’re always on foot. You could rot in a room and no one will miss you. Fear and rage make you feel insane and with a puff of smoke they’re gone, like some modern mistake. What is reality, and what is love? What do you live for and what do you lust for, or do you walk with blindfolded eyes, ignoring the world, and who would care, or bother to say a thing, your just another crazy person in a crazy city, sleeping ontop of a grave feeling something below, no screaming, no, goddamn. Well, can you hang on to the empire your fleeting some name you built misleadingly you can’t float through the cieling there is no escape. They’re doing herion and talking smack, chicks snortin’ coke while they’re men get wasted and they’re leavin, yeah, they’re leavin’ with some cheaper girl. Wll that just shows how it goes, prepare for a showdow, show me what now, who knows, what, now who knows? March march march into the ocean the storm is coming, the storm is coming, saet sail for they, we’ve got to fly somehow, we’ve got fly, show up for the showdown. Guilty pleasures are our sins, do you feel the darkness crawl up your skin? The devil walks the city at night, as the darkness crawls up your skin, you’ll know you saw the devil that time. Ho, ho, ho, a  pirates life for me, we give give give, take take take what we need, I don’t care who you are or we’re you been, we’re on a mission, we’re heaven sent, just a captain and a crew with darkness in thier eyes and not half a soul anyway; can we get back into, our modern lives, well we ain’t goin’ out without a fight, we used to be happy, until our eyes they did see, just how much we’ve lost, goodbye humanity. Siezure, lights, shake, body, sake, turn off the- shake, some, one, before i start to… It’s two o’clock, yeah, and my mind melts, scooby snacks, and I gag, and I, what did you say? what did you say? Well, I lost my mind today, it’s not the first time, but it’s never been this easy, I’m standing around wondering where my life went, maybe I could be happier, my mind, under pressure all the time, but my mind tell people that I’m fine, well I say, I’m fine, well I say, maybe not this time. You could spin around the sun for centuries all alone; it’d all be the same to me, I’m tired of, I don’t want to go back to how it was before, but I will come back again, and I swear (when my words are thin) it’ll be much better, well I don’t want to go back to the way I was before, something can warm and save these pirate hearts, in search of some intangible treasure, this time it will really be much better. Tonight we storm the castle, can you hear the voices (can you hear the voices) and it occures to me maybe there ain’t no crew at all, maybe I’m just hearing voice, maybe it’s all just voices. So I relieved, set back into a slow release, they said, “I can see it in your eyes”, and all I heard where noises, sadness seems so normal when you’re the only one in the room who feels it, follow me, into a place of reaxe, you don’t have to leave, anything you need is free, it’s not hard to decide. Madness, so normal, madness, so normal, sadness so normal, sadness, so normal, where exactly do you get back on the train to reality, I’m somewhere I ain’t never been, a mirror of where I live, in the city, but something’s not the same, it’s like today was actually a new day. The devil is standig on the corner tellin’ my mom he’s got a heart of gold, and the preacherman is there arguin’ “I know the truth!” and they all chattin’ Satan bein’ very nice, and I don’t know who this guy is, but I believe him. Puff, smoke, and life changes like that, a haze shows up in your day or one day it claers and thats when you realized it was there. Life, reality, it’s all fake. Or our conception of it is.

fourteen

the city swallows people whole, your body, mind and soul, enveloped into a rose closing it’s petals. The longer you stay cacooned, the less you will get done, but when the cacoon is the city, nothing gets done, where has all the time gone? Old friends make life better, show you how to escape the clutches of the venus fly trap in disguise of a rose, a rose that one day a man stops to admire, and never goes back to life.

thirteen

I had a surreal moment as I entered the hall, staring at the floor, the pattern on the carpet hurting my eyes, or was it the lights constant buzz? After my smoke, the elevator ride up reminded my stomache that I’ve only slept four hours in the past 37 hours. I then came online and saw a video of a panda-dog cross-bread, and I thought to myself, damn, thats the cutest son-of-a-bitch I did done ever seen; if I ever get rich off of my art, I’m gettin’ me one of those!

poetry

At the begining the plan for this blog was to not post poetry. Well, I’m changing that, now it’s about learning to write in new exciting and different ways, as well as my old standards. Here is my first piece of poetry for the blog.

twelve (things i don’t remember)

Sort through:

• Beliefs
• Opinions
• Philosophies

It’s about time to re-write your ideas and ideals on/of/about life. At least that’s what I’ve told myself to do today, so here it goes, in some awkward nonesensical fashion of some sort or another.

Beliefs:

Well, what can one believe in if one does not believe in ones self? So I guess number one would be that I must, no matter how hard it can be at times, always believe in myself and my ability to bounce-back, recover, and be on the edge of something great at any and all times.

I believe that life is hard, and if it’s not for you, well, then your doing something wrong or you deserve a “fuck you”.

I believe in depression. Not everyone is affected daily, weekly, or even yearly (though I’d be hard-pressed to trust someone who’s not felt a depressing feeling or moment in at least the last year of their life). I believe that the ways we cope with depression are one of the things that makes everyone different from everyone else. I mean, everyone feels alone, everyone gets sad, and how you fix it says a lot about who you are. Dig?

I believe in a higher power. I’m not saying the Christian God or any other religious being. I am saying that there have been circumstances in my life where I should not have come out the way I have, including being alive. My mother, bless her soul, prays for me more than I even know, and I believe that my ass has been saved due to that more than she or I know. I do not go to church anymore, and I feel “immune” to most sermans I hear anymore; I grew up in the church, I’ve heard it all, I’ve been there with teary eyes, whole-heartedly looking for a sign; and I have seen unneccisary deaths, tragedies, etc and never got that sign, never heard the voice of god, or anything, so I am unsure as to wether the biblical God exists, or heaven or hell for that matter. I am done with this subject now, as eternal nothingness and/or hell are some of the most depressing tangents ones mind could go off on, ever.

I also believe that every human being is born good, and it’s our world, our media, that makes people “bad”. You can’t control how you are raised and sometimes you get sucked into bad shit. I don’t know what else to say about that.

I am 20 years old and I (hopefully) have a lot of life left to live. I wake up feeling homesick, but it’s more of a missing of a feeling of stability. Not neccisarily that my life was stable or that I was going in any particular direction, but it was safe and I was around people who cared and for whom I cared about. Now out here in the city of roses I am truly alone and searching (slowly, unfortunatly) for new friends and loves. Some days it’s hard to get up. There is work to be done, and I can only put it off for so long. There’s also life to be lived, and I can’t keep putting that off either.

That’s all there is for now.

eleven

I get lost in Powells City of Books, not that I can’t find my way, I’m just in awe. Look through my pockets, I should not be spending money, so it’s time to leave, walk up Burnside, people asking for change, I want to share, but I really, honestly can’t spare, because I am poor too, I haven’t had a job in so long, I thik I may have forgot how to. Go grocery shopping, and I am confused, I know I am hungry and that I must eat, but all the options and prices make my eyes want to beleed, I’ll just get some of this and that and this, oh shit, I should just leave it. Smoke too many cigarettes, my throat hurts just a little bit. Walk up to 23rd and pass by the slow crowds of lost families looking for something to eat, holding up the sidewalks, get lost again at Music Millinium, leave with new music in hands, more money I shouldn’t spend. Well, I love this city, I love Oregon, but I’m a bit homesick, maybe not for Idaho, well, I don’t know, but I wish my friends were here with me, well, I wish I could get high just so I don’t feel so bad about being lonely. But this is just how it goes, time to get buisness done, you can sleep in tomorrow, you can sleep when you’re dead. Art’s not easy, and the hardest part is a lack of inspiration, thinking of all you’re missing, well, maybe next week I’ll be on the highways, byways, freeways, get away… or maybe I’ll be here, arching my back to hear pops and cracks. My favorite movies and music laying on the floor around me, art supplies are scattered from here to the door, and nothings getting done, just need to get things done.

Lean out the window, smell someones herb, cover my eyes, need a smoke, let my mind go, wonder, maybe I should re-learn how to live life, write me a new philosophy… oh that smells so sweet.

(did I mention that I saw a black Elvis impersonator serenading the public on 23rd and Irving tonight?)

ten

A fan in the window keeps the air circulating and the elevator ride keeps the old man confused, oh, and I want to know how this life looks from over head, far from home, but not so far from where I have grown, the people don’t know that the money I do’t own goes to pay for all the prices we have made for all of our mistakes, oh, no, I want to know how the night’s going over in Moscow, and the mornings come neigh, with a sobering tide, that lasts for days, maybe weeks, how can I contest or please, oh, I’m sorry to have left you hanging on the telephone, I think the ones who have all made this possible, and I can barely contain myself from screaming, for the blood is nearly boiling, and I am hardly feeling the joy that should soon grow, oh, I miss you all back home, i guess that’s all that you need to know, thank my loves, well, you’ll someday see…

nine ~ i miss you

Oh, Oregon rains, how could one forget thee? Hot as hell these days, but I’m up on the rooftop, and you remind me why I call you home, rain like the drowning of my youth, Oh, Oregon, I’ve missed you, but I don’t know what to do with you, and home is far away now, called me up everyday now, now I just want to sleep, afraid to remember to forget to dream, but I do, and I do, and I… can’t escape, my new life I have made, well, who wants to, why should you, let the elevator sink my gut, as we fall, fall, and drop, my heart is happy, my heart is sad, my head is muddled, but oh, I love the smell after it rains, and now it’s cool again.

eight

Lou Reed told me to keep my head up high, so I did. Walking several blocks a day (and I do mean several) is getting a lot easier. I have one very big homework assignment I need to do in the next 3 days. Yeah, fuck. Also need to do some sketches, but, you know, sketches are easy, they don’t have to be perfect. I finally decided to pop into Everyday Music on my way home, big mistake, I spent money. Not too much though… the vinyl section makes me nearly drool. Mmm… vinyl. A 70′s, german pressing of the velvet underground and nico…mmmmmmm. Anyways, Sunsets are pretty, the view from the roof, wonderful, cigarettes are costly, and I’m way more bored than need be, too exhausted to get things done. Well, It’ll get done, I always come around right in time. More… later.

seven

{ transmission missing }

    …I actually wouldn’t be surprised if his name was Frank. He seems like a Frank, maybe it’s the mustache. He’s the one of the security gaurds at night here in  my building. He’s pretty nice, he seems like he’s bored most of the time.  I go out there, I smoke a cigarette, we chat a little, I leave. He’s happy to have some conversation, I’m happy to be passably sober (while not being quite so, you see). It’s all about the bullshitting, you know. Lifes full of bullshit. You slide through it easier when you’re a good bullshitter. You know, life.

A few hours earlier… ( a day )

I’m an insomniac. I’m so much of an insomniac in fact that I sometimes get this feeling when I watch Fight Club that I am not too far off from being and believing in my own Tyler Durden… well, like I said, sometimes I get that feeling, and when I do it’s pretty slight. Still, you get the idea.

I’m not used to walking several blocks a day. I’ve walked more in the past three days than I did the week before I moved. Also, it was over a hundred today. I passed out, from exhaustion and dehydration, and, well , I slept with my alarm going of for at least a half hour… and I’m not sure when I crashed either.

The view from the roof is really beautiful, I do believe so. I’ve grown very attached to my visiting frequently. I was there at 8 when the doors unlocked, I was there at 10 right before they locked it; and a few extra times inbetween.

I walked. I wrote a poem in Powels, though I think I’m going to add to it. Did you know I can write a poem in my head and memorize it? I taught myself to remember anything after a nights sleep. It sucks to lose a great idea when you are too tired to get out of bed in the middle of the night. Anyway, I walked to 23rd and checked out some neat shops, and a kick ass record store too.

I’ve learned a lot about my health today.  (Do my ideas~thoughts~etc seem a little more clear today than the last few days?)

Raleigh, go to sleep.  

six

The truth of the matter is that no one ever wants the truth to come out, and the truth of the subject is that it’s too hot to let it out, so please let it out, now. Walk 20 some blocks and pass out, sleep through alarms and eat jambalaya, get phone calls, get tired, need a smoke. There was a lot more to this story,but it’s more than I wrote.

for chris

(some friends are more than that, lifetime like brothers, always got your back, even if you sometimes make them mad)

meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow meow, meow meow…

(theres a meledy and a beat and only some of you will know what i mean)

for mindy

(the things people say, some never make sense, you had a catch phrase, no one knew what it meant)

a g-string is not a money clip.

five

New aquantences, girl knows a girl whos dating a girl, well, you know, they know, well, met the security guard(s?) of my building, nice (and fitting?). School, school, well, it’s where I wan’t to go, just such a long walk….

Home, this is home now.

Can not, must not, will not, (have not) forget where I come from.

Man on 23rd eats, sits on steps, blasts Dark Side of the Moon, makes me sile.

My bathroom has no fan. Tomorrow it’s supposed tobe 100 degrees. My apartment has no air conditioning. But man, the view is amazing. Chill out on the roof.

Parents gone home, now I am really alone. (But you all still call, conversations good)

four

Socks that feel like they are barely there, sores that are invisible and pains that persist, walk the streets, chasing smells of cheap perfume, sad, selfish, sucker, hustlers, get hustled… life goes on and scattered words enter my brain, seap out…. what can I say? What is there to say?

A girl sits on the corner of the roof, looking past the 4 foot fence, meant to hold her back, hold us all back. I walk around, look away, talk on the phone, no door clicks. Turn back adn she’s gone. No body in the street, where could she be? Man comes through the door, she reappears. Oh, well… oh well.

I smell marijuana burning, smoke through my windows, who is it? I wish I knew… but all the blinds are closed. It’s undeniable. I heard it would be easy, here. Don’t want to get ripped off, need to meet the buildings occupants. Smell cigarettes next, now I need one too. Well, I’m certainly lower than them, how are you? (and I wonder, if I yell out the window, will they reply, share or sell part of the supply…)

Walk to the elevator at 1 in the morning, smell that familiar smell again, wander the halls, stronger, stronger… I can’t be loitering. Depressing. Smoke a cigarette 6 floors down. Nose knows, who else knows? Maybe I should go to bed.

three

A candle burns for 3 and a half hours, silently, on a shelf. I decide to make a pop-tart, it burns a little, and the smoke alarm goes off. The next 5 minutes is spent franticly pulling apart said smoke alarm, until finally, it is ripped off the wall and the battery removed, laid to rest on the counter. It seems that every little action’s reaction only serves to drive me more and more insane. I almost don’t want to do anything by this point. Though why should I? It’s two in the morning and I should be sleeping…

two

Living in a city the never sleeps. A world awaits (9and a boy is afraid). Home is here, now. Money gets lost, and time tells a depressing tale and a long walk home gives time to fume… letting go is easier than expected. Sirens pass by, a hope sparks in my eyes; or at least I imagine it sparks, for I can not see myself. In 505 or maybe 405 a sneeze spills out, loud, through my thin windows. Sometimes life seems so bad. Let the light in. Artificial. Streets that glow, throw yourself in. Most the time it doesn’t seem so bad. Everybody wonders some of the time wether life is really worth all the embarrassment and the pain. Well, remember these last few days… road trip, new home, buy a book, travel through alley ways, eat great meals and get away from the wheel, show them something they’ve never seen before, and may never again. Sober… sober… sober… it really aint that bad… sleep is so much more satisgying when you walk forty blocks or so, blistering your feet, sweating in deminishing heat, sore legs, lukewarm shower, hit the pillow, pass out. But the boxes are unpacked and strewn across my bed, spilling out onto the floor. Theres always work to be done.A changing attitude can be your best friend, change for the best, turn your coal heart into a diamond. It’s all about believing in yourself… or maybe it’s in convincing yourself that you believe in yourself and the possibility of you beign able to do anything you cbelieve you can do. Swallow that, regurgitatite it, put it in a pipe and smoke it; my brand of nonsense will make you high, make you low, and make you crazy in less than thirty minutes… (They’ll be takin’ ya in the paddy-wagon soon, my dear friends… soon.)

one

So here I am, living the dream.

Like lovers fit together, I fell into this town like a piece of a puzzle. It’s so surreal I am only sure it’s not a dream because I’ve been sober for the last couple of days. Sitting inside the school I’ve wanted to attend, walking the streets of the city I’ve want to live in, it seems like it was all too easy. It feels almost as if I am cheating, like I don’t even deserve to be here. But here I am, nonetheless, living the dream of the starving artist.

And oh, what a dream that is, one I’ve primed myself to live. There will be no money spent on frivilous expenses, no, no more. There will be food and there will be sleep and there will be work, and thats how I will live. Homework will envelope me. Sleep will evade me. And food will not fill me. I will walk until I blister, I will draw until I crash, like a plane, smashinng the table with my face, gruesome, ending in sleep. Pains will keep me up, fears willovertake my little mind and I will break, and it will happen a thousand times; I can see it, I can see my future…

This is the talk of the night. When you stay up late, thinking about all that is now gone, and all that is to come, and being the pessimist because it’s oh-so much easier than to look the sun in the sky and say hey, thank you for shining today. The rains will come and wash away my sorrows and the winter will leave me kindly, not freezing. And in three years we’ll see, do I have what it takes? Well, hopefully.

And will they come to visit me? Will I be alone all my life? or am I just free, waiting… to be?

Tired, useless, apathetic, lethargic, sore, flailing, falling, falling, dreaming…

Will you come visit me?